The Balls Gonna Drop!

Ah, New Year Eve is here! A time for the future and to let go of the past ....Yesterday at work there was lots of talk about how hard times are now...seems the cars are breaking down, kids are moving home and just the overall emotional climate was what a ox must feel like carrying it's load. But if you happen to be in conversation with a positive truthsayer...well life looks OK. Sure you retirement account is lower than it was and sure the bills keep coming but over all...as one friends said to me, "if your problem can be solved with money than it isn't a problem."

So, given the forecaster's predictions it is time to look towards the future with supportive relationships, for they are the ones that will light up your heart. Thanks, Connor. Be thankful for family, friends and possible future dog...oh yeah...I can hear him barking now!

The Emotional Eye

The "emotional eye" is what I have termed that part of myself which sees the world through an emotional veil. The most common time for me to wear the veil is in January. January was named after a god who looked forwards towards the future and could see backwards to the past, at the same time. For me, January has never been refreshing...a new beginning. I am not sure why. I have never been one to pile on the New Years Resolutions. I see January as endless days which I long to pass, so Feb., March and April can arrive faster.

I have to be careful in January. Because once I start wearing the "emotional veil" and see the world through my "emotional eye" I start stirring the pot of my brain. I can feel rejected more easily, worry more, stress can reach a higher than normal level and I start retreating into the safe place which I think is somewhere deep in the wrinkles of my brain.

Yesterday morning I saw the veil tossed casually across the back of the couch...I should have just ignored it, but it is familiar...and I totally feel safe, justified and depressed when wearing it...safe, because I have worn it before and it is familiar...justified, I can feel righteously indignant (which in some ways feels powerful) and depressed because I really don't look good in the veil.

It is not even January and I have seen and worn the veil once! So, this I know...I control what the emotional eye sees and I control what accessories I wear and from this day forward I am going to drink from my cup half full latte and chose accessories that compliment my personality and wait to have cake on Greg's birthday...Feb. 2nd. How can one not look forward to cake on Ground Hogs Day.

Here Come The Judge or A Fine Balance

One of the biggest challenges for myself and the rest of America is to move beyond our judgement. Judgement may be necessary in controlling the masses or maybe fear of judgement in our own little worlds is what keeps us moving.....mooooo.....somewhat like a herd of cows.

It is hard to not stay in the phase of judgement...heck there are pageants and reality shows of judges handing down verdicts. One of the most popular shows and numerous spin offs is "Law and Order."

So, how do we as individuals and a nation maintain our own course while not getting satisfaction in judging others course. Will acceptance of all, create anarchy or peace. I think it is a fine balance of accepting that which does not hurt others, but allows one individual peace.

Case in Point...The Minutemen, a marginal group of individuals who have judged themselves to be in charge of our southern border. Their belief is that they have the right to judge and protect the country from those trying to enter illegally. Instead of contributing to a solution, they are taking their anger out on an even more marginalized group.

Judgement does not need to be negative, it can be a mirror of ourselves and help us look at how we can change.

Today's food for thought since the holiday cookies are almost gone!

I Need Religion

I am thinking about starting a new religion. It is not that the world needs another faith but maybe it needs one that is more pertinent to the average woman. There are faiths that promote women's place in the home, where men meet in huge auditoriums and bond over being the head of the household. There are faiths that promote storage of food...do I need more food? There are churches that have diet groups and there are faiths where you, as a woman may "service" your man and the preacher in order to make your way to heaven.

I have in the last month had several retail experiences where the item I wanted to buy was not on the shelf. The reason being the state of the economy. Stores just can't afford to keep stock...so they only buy a limited amount and when it runs out...well siyanara. What if there were no shoes in stock!!!!!!!! I do not know a single woman, whether she be chic, hippie, mom type or business woman that does not stop to at least look at shoes. The reason the shoes are near the front door of a store is because you can stop a woman in her tracks, given the right kind of shoe. You do not find stores that sells just blouses or just pants, but you do find stores that sell just shoes. So I am thinking in order to preserve the shoe I will become high priestess of a new religion that will stock pile shoes in case of a shortage. Woman from around the nation could come and pick out shoes if they are low on cash or there are no shoes available in their area.

Oh well...just dreaming cause my budget has a lock on it and the store clerks are tired of cleaning my drool off their latest shoe inventory.

I Found A Cookie On My Butt!

I got up this morning and found a cookie on my butt....at least it is a lump I didn't have last week. It seems to be all the cookies I have eaten over the last two weeks. In a previous blog I wrote about my new girlfriend Martha Stewart and her new cookie cookbook. I said...I bought it to look at the pictures and if that didn't work, I would bake cookies and give them to friends, that way we could all look the same. BIG MISTAKE! The cookie cookbook really made me a great baker and naturally not wanting my friends to possible die from my baking, I had to taste everything. My Friends did not die and neither did I, but I have grown. I have hidden the cookie cookbook in a cabinet and I plan on not touching it till Dec. 2009. It is next to several other books of an evil nature.

Now comes the planning to get rid of this cookie lump...of course it didn't help that yesterday all the Christmas dark chocolate was 50% off! Now the freezer is filled with chocolate. Everyone says that 2009 is going to harder than 2008 and I think my "old cave woman must survive" brain thought it meant to store up some fat for the lean times. Or maybe, it was being the daughter of a war survivor who thinks one must stock up big time...either way...I do believe I have enough padding to survive a minor food shortage and that it might behove me to become a lean mean non-baking machine....at least till Greg's birthday or Family/Friends New Years Day Brunch, which ever comes first.....oye vey...Weight Watchers please forgive me for I have sinned. Please let me join again.

#2, A First

I felt the need to post a second blog today. OK, today was one of those "come to Jesus" moments. I have shopped the day after Christmas sales for years, putting up with the traffic, looking for a parking space and standing in long check out lines. In the past it was fun to shop with the same feverishness of my fellow shoppers. In the last 5 years I gave up the ritual. I no longer thought the money saved was worth the agony, nor did I need another blessed thing!

So, today after a 5 year hiatus I ventured out with Greg to Sportsman's Warehouse. Thinking it would be the one place I would even attempt to go into the day after. We arrived 5 minutes before the opening time of 8 am and the parking lot was empty. Since we were there, I had him drop me off at Target so I could pick up a few items we needed. I was stunned...now, I know the big box stores opened anywhere from 5:30-6:00 am and it was 8:00 but the parking lot was virtually empty. There were more employees working than customers! I felt a desire to check out another store..Macy's...same thing, more employees than customers. When we did go to Sportsman's, there was a total of 4 cars in the parking lot. For the first time this holiday season I felt an inkling of sadness. The world had definitely changed in 2008. So, for 2009 I plan on moving forward. It is even more important for all of us to keep moving towards our goals. Because after what I saw today it is going to take a lot of diligence, planning and work for all of us. I for one am up to the task.

The Day After

A movie by this same name was about what the world was like the day after a world wide catastrophe. Well, yesterday was Christmas and today is the day after. Did it happen? Are there family members who will not be speaking to each other, at least until next Christmas? Were there disappointments? Did Santa not bring you the Manolo Blaniks you wanted! Did Santa show up with a pink slip, a default notice or a do not pass go but go straight to jail note?

If you are breathing and have all your body parts today, you have a future no matter what happened yesterday.

Christmas was beautiful in more ways than one. We plowed snow till we were covered in it, talked with neighbors, worked on building a snowman, talked with each other and spent time not talking but communicating in other ways....cooked enough food for an army! (we still have issues with cooking for two) and were saved from giant load of left overs because a dear friend of ours came by and had dinner. A perfect day, but we face the day after with open hearts because we are going shoppin!!!!

Jingle Bell Rock

A true gift this year is waking up to blue sky and snow covered landscape. It is hard not to smile and feel blessed. I don't care if there is another storm on the way, looking out the windows right now is beautiful. Life always has a way of circling around, (good...bad...ugly...beautful...hard...easy...angry...happy) so when you wake up and you get beautiful, you just gotta take a pause so as not to end up rushing around and missing the gift.

It is a quiet day this year but quiet means I can hear what is happening around me. Listening to my heart and having time to share it with another, this is a blessing. Although I love memories of the hoopla and chaos of Christmases past and I look forward to crazy Christmases future, this day I will tuck in my memory bag of a very special Christmas where I could listen to my heart and share it quietly with the love of my life.

So for you, who are special in my life...whether your Christmas is quiet or crazy, enjoy the day for what it is, for each one has a special message just for you.

Duck, Duck, Goose

Greg and I watched an indie film last night called, "Duck." A tale of a man in his twilight years who had lost his son and then his wife. He walked out to a wooded area and laid down to die until he met a duck. Now you wouldn't think a duckling would be a hero but in it's confused "are you my momma" way he saved a life. And so the tale begins of the improbable relationship of a man and his duck.

What it brought to mind was how simple it is to save a life. It only takes one moment, one interruption of intent to possibly change the world. Each life taken, each emotional death can be altered by a single moment of time, of interaction.

And so I offer to you out in cyber space as you run around this day before Christmas to take a moment, make eye contact and speak a truth to someone. This one gesture may change that persons world and thus our own.

My Personal Festivus

There is a kiosk in Washington D.C. where instead of concert flyer's it has become a confessional of sorts. There is cleansing that occurs when you can confess anonymously. Festivus is a fictitious holiday according to the paper that was created by a father to celebrate the day he met his wife...their son ended up a writer on Seinfeld and it became a story line. It has evolved and the kiosk established. Now a business man dressed as a town crier reads aloud the rants and raves at noon each Sat. and Sun. Some are poignant, some tragic and some uplifting but they are the words that are said anonymously because they cannot be told to any one personally.

I find it somewhat sad that one cannot say what the heart feels without anonymity but I understand the fear of rejection and judgement. So the "Boomin' the Baby Along" blog was begun as my own Festivus kiosk where I can speak my truth....

This week my fliers posted on my blog kiosk are...

Wake up people, look each other in the eye and see a reflection of yourself.
Christmas lights are not worth risking your life to hang...but I love them
I love snow but come on....3 degrees!
Christmas is only a day, be kind every day
Be thankful for your roof, someone doesn't have one
So the flights can't get out its better not to rush the mechanic
I love Christmas cookies but my hips want to keep them all year
Sex should be band during the holiday, you're too tired and your hips don't look so good after all the cookies.

So there it is, my town crier says take or leave it but you gotta believe it!

Count Down

Today was a day off from the man but I was still working for myself. I paid attention all day long to events around me so today's blog is just observations.

I had to go over to a rental that is empty and shovel snow. It had not been shoveled since the first snow hit and so the pile was humongous!!!!! I made sure I was doing it before my acupuncture appointment so I could have some relief from the manual labor. This subdivision requires the sidewalks in front of the homes to be shoveled also #$%^! But I have to say there is something really fulfilling about manual labor. I am not sure if it is the endorphins or it is because you get to see immediate results of your labor. I think I could be a landscaper in another life. While shoveling the sheriff came by and served papers to the house across the street, it must be really sucky to be served papers Christmas week.

By the time I got to the acupuncturist I was soaking wet. She always begins by asking about my pain, vertigo and any other issues. I told her that my pinky fingers have arthritis in them and they hurt...so she applied mustard seed patches to my little toes to help my pinky finger...isn't that weird! The body pathways are very interesting.

Then I made mistake #1, going to Costco during Christmas week and got told off my an old lady because I was in the way of the isle. I just smiled. Seems people get more and more irritated the closer Christmas gets. I refused to become fused like the rest of the people...I really want to enjoy Christmas week.

Mistake #2 going to Great Harvest Bakery. Besides a freshly bathed baby there is nothing that smells as good as bread baking. So I bought a variety and came away with $28 worth of bread!!! And not wanting to suffer alone I convinced the lady behind me to buy a loaf of Stolle de Noel bread. So at least I wasn't bad by myself.

I also baked cookies and a chocolate cake for book club tonight...and while the cake was baking I plowed my driveway and my neighbors driveway....opps her paper was buried in her driveway and so it was not only snowing but raining paper! It is amazing what a snow plow will do to The Bulletin.

So here it is 3:30 and I still have several hours left that will include the company of my book club. Seems I am very much like my parents in that I can pack a lifetime into one day.

Movers and Shakers or Movers and Stayers

According to sociologist, America is made up of movers. It makes sense when you look at our history. We are a young country filled with decedents of immigrants and pioneers. It is noted that the more educated you are the higher the chance you will be a mover. Education provides more job opportunities and usually the paycheck supports the move.

Is there an advantage to being a mover or is it better to be a stayer? I used to envy families who were stayers. They were the ones who had huge family gathering, you know the ones where everyone loves each other. My family were movers....every single one of them. After all I was only 5 weeks old when I traveled from one side of the world to the other....born to be moving. So began the odyssey of moving. My mothers family all immigrated. My father's family, although from the east coast were seeking "gold" out west. When I was little my father worked every job imaginable, military man, photographer, insurance sales man, prison guard, lawn maintenance and ultimately real estate. Real estate was his brass ring. I think because it felt right in the spirit of the pioneer. Once he locked onto that we moved even more than we had before. Yes, it was in the same town but I never lived more than 3 years in any one house growing up.

As an adult I continued the tradition and started moving. After I got married I moved twice before my first child was born 2 years later. The came the staying period. Wanting to provide the feeling of staying for my first born we lived on the same country road for 8 years. We were only 1 of 2 families who were not related. Our entire road was related and they were all stayers. I was fascinated. The cousins would run from house to house and my oldest because just another relative. What I learned was that stayers have a whole different challenge...stayers know way toooooo much about each others business. Stayers are fairly opinionated about each other....and there are rules and they can't be broken. If there is a fight amongst the stayers...well there is a problem Houston.

So after 8 years we picked up our household and headed north. Granted I went kicking and screaming because I wanted to be a STAYER!!!! But I ended up being a mover and in the short period of time in my new home town we moved 5 times in less than 5 years. Once settled and kids in school we wanted to create a home of stayers.

So what did I learn in this tale of being a mover or stayer. That moving gives you fresh air, freedom to be who you are, challenges, excitement and new friends but staying is good. Staying doesn't have to mean boredom, but moving and staying in a new place gives you a chance to create a new family, new connections and after time you may get really lucky and a cousin will move to town and you then get a piece of family from your past to be a part of your future.

They say that most people when asked about there home town, it is not the town they live in....for me where I live is my home town, my friends are here, my children went to school here, I work here and my cousins live here....yep this is home.

I Now Pronounce You Husband and Wife...or Wife and Wife or Husband and Husband

I find it interesting in a sociological kind of way that in Las Vegas you can get married by Elvis, The Grim Reaper, at a drive up window or by the Justice of the Peace but you cannot get married by an atheist??? Apparently there is a state law that you have to believe in god in order to perform marriages. Over the years we have heard all kinds of arguments about separation of religion and state. No bible class on public school grounds.

There is an ongoing argument that more people have died in the name of religion than for any other reason. As far as my limited research can tell it is almost the same, about a billion died in religious causes and about a billion in conflicts that were not religious bases. So the question remains a billion more people would not have died if we would just let people live their own faith...whatever it be.

So, back to the case in Las Vegas (the land of anything goes) not allowing a person who is an atheist to marry anyone. Ultimately, I have come to believe that religion has nothing to do with how good a marriage is going to turn out. Although I do believe in a higher power I have a sense within myself that my higher power may be the same one that a Muslim, Buddhist, Mormon or catholic may believe in...it is just that we humans have written our individual rules that our higher power is better than yours. I had a full religious ceremony when I married almost 32 years ago. I do not believe that one event is what has made my marriage a good one. I believe it is the strength within ourselves to ride the wave of the good time and pick up the board when we wipe out.

It is hysterical in a dark humor kind of way that an atheist cannot get a license to marry someone but I could go on the Internet and become a minister of the universal church and perform that very same ceremony. Oh yeah....took me 10 minutes and according to the Church's serious consideration of my application I can now perform marriage ceremonies. How sacred is that?

PS. talk about religious discrimination...when I spell checked this post the spell checker corrected all the aforementioned religions to include a capital first letter except for catholics, they only warrant a small c! I have heard that catholics are really pagans in disguise!

Who Would Have Thunk It?????

The summer before my youngest left for college I was a basket case. Everything he did or I did had a finality too it and so I would lose it regularly. Then the day came that we drove him to college and dropped him off. My husband took a black and white photo of me and my son sitting on his dorm bed, it captured the emotions of the summer. In fact the photo captured my soul so much that my mother made the comment that I looked pensively sad. I love that photo because it capture a moment and a summer all in one picture. What I learned after I got home was that life wasn't over for me because my baby went away to college, that there was an opportunity for growth. I found that I had peace I hadn't before and it came from the fact that there was something we had done right in our fumbling parenting that our son had the strength and fortitude to venture away from us.

So we are faced with our first totally empty nest Christmas. No children in town, no relatives coming to visit. When I first realized that this was going to be, the way it was....well, I wasn't sure how I would feel but I decided to let it be exactly what it was. I found a small miracle within myself. I realized that I didn't decorate the house just because I had children....I like Christmas decorations. I didn't bake cookies because the kids would love them....but because we love them. And so, Christmas is just about here and I have enjoyed the whole holiday season. I love shopping in the snow, I love baking, I love listening to Christmas music 24/7 and I love the lights. But truly the contentment of this holiday season comes in knowing my children have grown, that they are making their own traditions and they are happy....that truly is the best holiday gift.

Talent Scout

I realized that one of the reasons I get frustrated at work is that I am not viewed as talent! Mountain View Hospital in Madras has hired a new vice president and her title is, "Vice President of Talent!" Her resume includes being a former director of human resources so I am thinking that she is the one who does the hiring.

Previously she looked for resources that were human (ie. soylent green for hospitals) but now she is a talent scout. Personally I want to be hired by a talent scout! I think I would feel better about myself if my yearly review said I was talented. Nurses are never told they are talented just that they have met the requirement for the job. What the hey????

In reality each one of us beat out a pool of applicants for our jobs. We have to wear special clothing. We have to possess the talent to talk to a variety of social, ethnic and age groups. We have to be able to type at the same time we are speaking. The bending and stretching is similar to a dance routine. It takes talent to keep your heart rate at an even 70 when trying to save someones life. I am feeling the talent!

Maybe St. Charles can hire Jeff Probst to be the Vice President of Talent! Can you see it???? New to CBS, "Cascade Health, The Reality Experience" staring the talented Annie who can type and speak, holds her pee for 10 minutes and exceeds expectations in her own mind....ahhhh

Connect The Dots...

Times are tough for everyone but I refuse to go down without a fight. I mean a fight to save the life I have built, in a town I have come to love. When Greg first wanted to move to Bend I refused. It was a depressing town with shops boarded up and little to offer, except for the people and the view. Over time it has developed a character that is warm, fun and surprising. Sure we have made some development mistakes and sure the huge influx brought in people who didn't understand that the deer were here first or that the native Oregonian is a good neighbor, and that guns do exist in this part of the country as a way of life. But I love this town and the character that exist. So what can I do to contribute to it's survival. By investing my money in the places I love.

I have never been an impulsive shopper, I tend more towards saving up and getting exactly what I want. I do not short change my taste but would rather go without than buy for buying sake. So, how can I spend while still maintaining financially stability? Like I always have...saving and when I chose to spend making sure I have saved enough to buy local. There is no way a local shop can sell things for the same price as the big box store. They cannot get the discount of bulk purchase. So, do I go to the big box to save money that will go outside my community or should I save a little more, spend a little less so I can afford to support a local shop. A local shop owner is spending a portion of his earning locally because he lives here....it is connect the dot time.

I am not a purest, you will find me shopping in Macy's on sale day, Barnes and Noble or Costco but I am trying to shop more local so I can in my own way support the character of the town and hopefully we will all survive these tough times.

Here is a list of some of my favorite places:

El Caporal East
Miranda's
Newport Market
Natures
Kitchen Connection
Paper Jazz
Goodies
Takara
Camalli's bookstore
Harvest Bakery
Zante's
Wild Bird Store
Foot Zone
McKay's Cottage
BiMart

PS. The colors of the sunrise this morning was absolutely stunning...reminds me of watching it at the end of night shift with Dr. Brown.

"Baby Got A New Pair Of Shoes"

Shoes have a special place in the human heart. It was one of the items that allowed us to expand our horizons and walk out of the jungle. Hollywood has reinforced our understanding that the shoe is the most important accessory...Dorothy didn't bang her purses together to get home, she clicked the heels of her sparkly red shoes. Shoes have evolved to the point where they have their own recognizable name...Jimmy Choo, Manolo Blahniks and the like. So why would someone risk losing their shoes by throwing them at President Bush?

Somebodies been baaaaaddd! And it isn't the shoe launcher. It is truly amazing to realize that we have a president who warrants no more than a shoe launch. But on the other hand, shoes are important and that a person would give up his shoes to make a point is huge. Either way you look at it, this will go down in history as a chapter in the reign of President Bush. In watching the video of the event it is interesting to note that in a crowded room, a man was able to lean over and take one shoe off, launch it and that he still had time to bend over and take the other one off and launch that one before any of the secret service reacted or even those around him. True he was jumped and pinned after the launch of the second shoe but before that, the only one who reacted was President Bush. You really have to give President Bush the kudos for the 2 time duck and jive but then you realize that the training given to a future politician may include this maneuver.

When you think about it this may become a future Olympic event. After all, leaders from around the world could represent their countries and the citizens of those respective countries could give it a throw. All thrown shoes could be donated to those fleeing oppression and persecution. Sounds like a winner to me.

Chicken Little Says The Sky is Falling!

I am related to a negative forecaster but she is not a chicken in any sense of the word. So when I receive the latest information of impending disaster I have to sift through the information for the nuggets of true.

Now the people who want to avoid all the negative information coming at us at hyper speed are doing a disservice to themselves and family. On the other hand the ones who take in every piece of the looming disaster, lose hope and live in a constant state of fear and anxiety.

It takes a fine balance to survive anything and in the case of the current state of the economy it not only take a balance of check book but a balance of emotion. It is wasted energy to run around worrying about the sky falling in and it costs too much too stock pile a survival kit. And if you don't already have Mormon friends this is not the time to suddenly get religion. You need to take stock of where you are both emotionally and economically. It is information gathering time. Then you figure out where you want to be in a year and you start working towards that goal. Positive force is what will get you there, not the chaos that some are participating in and not the head in the clouds view either....but step by step positive force. That means making choices that are not always what we thought we wanted but are what will make our plan come to fruition.

When I was losing a large amount of weight I stood on the scale each morning knowing that the numbers were high but I had a plan. I did not get panicky if the scale moved up a little or slowly down I used the information each morning to get me to my goal. No emotion, no depression, no screaming or jumping up and down that life is not fair...I took each day as a day I was in charge of my dream....

So may the force be with all out there in cyberspace who are looking for a clear goal to success.

Expectations

I believe that one of the hardest challenges in life is too live it without expectations. Buddha says, that too love without expecting love in return is the purest love of all, to give without needing a thanks or seeing a response is truly giving...but it is hard for us. We want acknowledgement. We glow in the warmth of thank yous and the give and take of life. The challenge is to feel the glow from within your own soul rather than to feel it only if it comes from outside ourselves.

Yesterday was filled with expectations. It is the holiday season. Can the whole day be ruined by a few rude, crazies trying to accomplish the Saturday tasks or can we forgive and give grace for other actions without flipping them off. First snow brings a glow, for some it signals hardship. It is all your perspective.

We spent the afternoon only shopping the small shops and found wonderful treasures. We came away not only with the purchases but an unexpected gift, connection. Shop owners made the effort to connect and we were no longer a person in check stand #1 but a local, treated with respect. Business was improved for both sides by the effort of the connection. It is the unexpected gift that has forged a relationship.

Holiday parties small and large were occurring and when you passed different venues you could see the possibilities. But it is different this year. So much has been lost. Many businesses are gone. There is an undercurrent of stress and the glow is a little dimmer. Expectations can be disappointing because each year brings new possibilities and when we expect to have the same feeling it will set you up to have unfulfilled expectations. Anger/disappointment are the result because we needed something from outside ourselves that we could not find from within.

I fail and readjust each day to keep my compass on the soul within and feel growth. I try to live so that it is my soul that guides me not my mind and it is challenging. What I do know is that each day I get stronger because I have less need to be patted on the back that it is my own heart that gives me warmth.

The Brass Ring

When I was a kid we would occasionally go to an amusement park on the beach. One of my favorite rides was the Merry Go Round. It was beautifully crafted and the colors made you think that fairies must have done the job. The most wonderful part of the ride was the brass ring. It hung just out of reach but with courage, planning, emotional and physical strength you could reach out and grab it. It would come loose from it perch and you received a free ride in return.

I was raised to grab for the brass ring. The issue arises when parents teach and train their children to grab for the ring but aren't given the satisfaction of capture. There is no praise, respect or understanding. There is only that the brass ring you captured is just a brass ring which is not good enough, that you need to reach for the next one. What happens is, you stop grabbing and you keep looking for approval in the wrong places.

What I learned from my own experience is that seeking praise and encouragement from outside yourself (ie. parent, grandparent, boss) may only create a sense of emptiness and apathy if you are seeking it from persons who do not have the ability to celebrate and honor your accomplishments. That truly finding out how to walk you own path, feeling satisfied for accomplishments you have made and honoring those accomplishments by living them, sets you up to seek the next brass ring.

Much to my mothers disappointment I never had the courage to grab for the brass ring on the merry go round. But, I forged my own brass ring and with each additional brass ring they slowly turned to gold.

Breastfeeding...Is It Any Different Than Nursing???

Yesterday one of my co-workers was saying that she is no longer going to babysit doctors...she was done and they all needed to be burped. My question is how can we as nurses do this when our career is the practice of nursing???

When you check out the dictionary and look up nursing this is what you get...

1. a person formally educated and trained in the care of the sick or infirm.
2. a woman who has the general care of a child or children; dry nurse.
3. a woman employed to suckle an infant; wet nurse.

So when the first woman took a step into medical care they did not call her "Executive Health Care Practitioner." They called her a nurse, because in the beginning the expectation was that we would suckle the patient, the doctor and any one else who needed nursing. With progress came educational expectations, so the title changed to Registered Nurse. Which just means those breasts are licensed, but the demands are the same.

I am not sure what the answer to the dilemma each nurse is faced with, but what I do know is my breasts are sagging, I weaned the last baby 20 years ago and I refuse to nurse a 30+year old doctor who need suckling.

Bobble Head

Everyone likes a bobble head, they always have a smile on their face and they are always positive. The government likes bobble headed citizens, bosses like bobble headed employees, spouses like being married to bobble heads and parents like bobble headed children.

The question is, does change happen because of bobble heading a situation? Can progress be made if you bobble head your way through life and are you happier being in relationship with a bobble head or is the make-up sex worth not having a bobble headed spouse? Can you have a really wonderfully passionate conversation with a bobble head?

I know that some children can look like bobble heads but inside they are fighting the fight and are becoming individuals. They are the ones who will have a future.

Life is more interesting not being married to a bobble head, although it means I don't always get my way and parenting my children, who are definitely not bobble heads can at times cause anxiety but they are their own persons, and I love that.

Yesterday a co-worker spoke up for herself and change was the result. So this I know that one can be a bobble head and still be a positive cause for change. That there is a path where one can be positive and proactive and that the bobble head can bounce side to side.

The Minority

I really like the movie called the Minority even though Tom Cruise is not on my favorite actor list. It speaks to the mentality of the majority who are afraid of the minority. The dictionary defines minority as follows:

1.
the smaller part or number; a number, part, or amount forming less than half of the whole.
2.
a smaller party or group opposed to a majority, as in voting or other action.
3.
a group differing, esp. in race, religion, or ethnic background, from the majority of a population: legislation aimed at providing equal rights for minorities

I was born a minority and learned minority skills, fly below the radar and excel. The thing about it is that minority as I knew it no longer exists. When my parents went to buy their first house, every head of household on the block had to sign a form that it was OK for us to buy the house, because we were minorities. Of course what is humorous is that the wives of these other households couldn't sign because they were minorities in their own homes. So, now who is the minority? Is it the Caucasian, gay, black, Muslim, or elderly...the list is unending and if we look at the list of all the "minorities" collectively, they make up the majority. The divisions are so complex that they take too much effort to maintain. Yet, there are people in this world who would like to think they are the majority and don't realize that in some way they are a minority.

Update on the Battle: The weight is in a downward motion and I hope to maintain my status as a minority, in that I have lost a large amount of weight through my own grit and plan on continuing my minority status...although in this case I hope all who struggle can join my minority status and become the majority.

Andrew Martin Huston

Andy was the first male who loved me without reservation. No hidden motives, just pure and simple adoration. I was 14 years old and he was about 8 years old. Although I didn't appreciate this uncomplicated dedication at the time it did seem in an unconscious way to have an impact on subsequent relationships. As I continued to grow up and test the romance waters I never settled for less than 100% commitment and so was in an out of relationships always on my terms until I met my husband. He was the second male that I recognized as one who had the depth of love I wanted in my life.

But back to the first...Andy was the little brother of my best friend Colleen. I spent most of my after school times at their house since it was close to our high school. Andy was different even as a kid. He wasn't irritating in the way most little brothers are, he was irritating because he just had so much love in his heart and he needed to share that love. He was always hanging on my arm telling me he loved me. At 14 I didn't appreciate how rare people like Andy were and it took me till I was 23 to meet another one. As a little kid Andy wrote the most interesting short stories and I knew even at the "self centered kind of oblivious to others state" that only 14 year old girls inhabit, that he was destined to impact the world in a very different way.

After Andy and Colleen's father passed away they moved and although Colleen and I have remained "Forever Friends" the next time I saw Andy he was an adult. The years may have been rough for that little boy but the last time I saw him was when he was 40 yrs. old I could still see that through it all he kept his ability to love. So when Colleen shared with me an article written about him and his theater it did not surprise me that he had touched so many other people in his life.

When we leave this world we want to know that somehow our life had meaning that we put our little stamp on our piece of the universe. What I know is that Andy did just that and although at 49 it seems to early to leave, it was just about all Andy needed this time around.

Are We Really More Advanced Than Our Primate Cousins?

I like to think that I am smarter than my chimp cousin but yesterday as I was sitting in a Baskin Robbins (no I did not have any ice cream) where I had bought a scoop of ice cream for my mom, I was looking across the street and there was a young couple huddled in a doorway. The woman was standing while the man sat and she was looking at his scalp. She kept spreading his hair looking for who knows what...ewwww. But it was so reminiscent of a National Geographic special on chimps and the grooming that is done amongst the group that it made me smile but to see my human counter part participating in the grooming process made me sad....because some of us have not progressed very far. How did they end up grooming on the street??? Was it a stroke of bad luck???

I believe so much of what happens to us is because of our choices. There are a lot of people who spend a lot of time giving up their free will to their history. Sure, I carry pain and could whine for days about what was inflicted upon me but I have a choice to move forward, I have a choice on how to spend my money, I have a choice on what to eat and I have a choice on who I let into my heart...so my life is not about luck but is the result of the choices I made both good and bad.

The bottom line is I do not spend time wishing for a different childhood, no regrets about my choices or my parents choices, because at this moment I love my life, I love my husband, I love my children, I love who my children love, I love my home and all of this is resultant of the pain, mistakes, good and bad choices I made and to change one thing would somehow change this moment in time and too dwell on what could have been would make me miss the next great moment.

Todai or not To Die

Todai's is a restaurant in Portland that draws a huge crowd and also a crowd that is huge in stature. It is a oriental buffet in an upscale mall in the middle of downtown. They serve not only all the oriental buffet type fare but unlimited sushi, crab and oysters. I have gotten sick to my stomach every time I eat there because it is so high in salt and I tend to eat more than I would normally.

Similarly there are relationships that in small doses are perfect but in large doses make you sick. Everyone has people in there lives who are fascinating and fun but by the time you have been together more than a couple of day you are tired.

So I make a choice to not eat at Todai's but to chose a place with good food and moderate portions that is yummy and enjoyable...just like I now choose to spend time in manageable increments with some people and they might feel the same about me....after all you want to walk away feeling contented not stuffed and suffering....so I choose not to die or Todai's but to feel good about the people in my life because anyway I look at it I am one blessed woman. (this whole line may only make sense to me...but it is my blog and I can make no sense if I want too...)

Update: since I haven't made a battle of the bulge up date lately I had better make one today. So my new strategy is working, it is something that I heard on satellite radio...every time I am going to eat something off my designated program I am going ask myself, "how will this bite make me feel in 5 minutes, 5 days or 5 months?" This has actually kept me from eating some things...a quiet pause...my brain doesn't know what to do with quiet pauses, so it works. Also shopping with Connor at the farmer's market this morning made me feel like cooking healthy...did you know that carrots come in a purple color...who eats purple carrots?

Deer Me!

Today I was heading up to Portland to meet my mom and visit with my son's. These type of visits can be fraught with joy and tension. You just never know how it is going to turn out and your hope is that everyone will walk away with love in their heart. But having grown up and learning early on that you have to be fast and light on your feet...what I do know is, it is a crap shoot. This has resulted in me playing out scenarios in my head...I will do this if that happens and I will do that if this happens.

So I was only 20 minutes into the trip in the dark when a deer ran out in front of me....I was traveling at 50 miles an hour. I swerved to the right and in slow motion said "Holy crap!" and then swerved real hard to the left. The deer and I looked each other in the eye and as I missed it by about one foot I realized that it is better to just drive through your fear and enjoy life.

So thank you deer, you not only kept awake but you made me realize that I am going to embrace the moment and go through any fear I might have.

This I Know for Sure

I loved the PBS series and recently published book by the same title and so I decided to make my own short list of "This I know for sure"...

1. Love is the most important vital sign of the human body
2. babies after a bath smell better than any perfume
3. Your inner voice is smarter than your outer voice
4. a postmenopausal woman can not exist without girlfriends
5. Sex over 50 is both liberating and a challenge
6. when you are over 50 the fart sometimes just come
7. you never stop being a mother
8. women have to be strong because the challenges of life only get bigger
9. the anonymous donor is the most generous donor on the list

and lastly

10. sometimes the perceived hardship is actually a blessing you just may not know it until later.

The Elusive Tonic

The stores are filled with the latest in the elusive quest for health and youth. Every second there is a new tonic, vitamin, makeup or diet that is going to make us feel better and look younger. While at the gym this morning I was watching a commercial that showed face cream that supposedly gave your face a lift...watch out plastic surgeons! The infomercial channels are filled with people and things that are going to make you look and feel younger for only a small monthly payment to an address that is routed to the Philippines.

BUT, this I know...the one elusive tonic to youth and vitality is SLEEP. And believe me it is elusive. It is free and available to everyone no matter the class, culture or gender you are so why is it so elusive????

I think the sleep gene resides in the heart and it is only when the heart is at peace that the brain will shut up. Everyone thinks it is the brain that rules the world but in my body it is the heart. Case in point, I have been chasing the sleep gene for weeks on and off, I try sleepy time tea, medication, alcohol, sex and chocolate. Now mind you this all cost me money (accept for the sex that didn't cost me anything) for something free!!! Last night I could tell it was a brain night and so I played a game on the computer, talked, turned soothing music on, didn't eat anything after dinner and only had a light dinner...but no sleep. By 10 pm I was getting restless because if there is a cruel joke it is, the more tired you get and the more you worry about being tired the more awake you are....

My cell phone rings and really jolts me awake, when I answer it is my oldest son who in a very happy proud voice said scores came over the national paramedic site and he had passed his exam and was officially licensed. I was so happy, tired yes, but really happy and then my heart kicked in and I fell asleep.

It is true a happy heart is what makes you sleep.

Success or Failure

When I became a nurse I had no sense of success or failure. The system was set up for me to be a success. Hospitals and managers were so desperate for "good" nurses that they made sure even if you had some learning curve issues that you were set up for success. Learning a new department or procedure was done in a systematic and measurable way and you were given a concrete time to learn but you had a preceptor who also was given measurable goals. If there was an issue with meeting the goals they invested the time to figure out how to make you a success and adjusted the process to meet your learning style.

No longer, now you are a number on a grid of schedule sheets. You fill a spot and economically it had better be worth it. You have no consistent preceptor, you learn from anyone who has a moment to explain something to you and then it is different each time you talk to someone new. Everyone is walking around in a state of fear in a place where you do not want the patient to be fearful.

I hit my nursing wall yesterday...my emotional nursing wall...I am sad...angry...and worse of all...fearful. What to do...talking does not seem to make a hoot of difference, my words fall on deaf ears or you get that look of "what a pansy."

So, what to do. I must figure out a way to meet the patients with an open non fearful heart, who are a part of the career I love and signed up to serve. It seems to be the only way to do this is to divorce myself from the process overall, hunker down, maybe cry for the loss of support and pray that nothing bad happens on my shift....what a sucky way to live...or maybe I will just stomp down to the head of this joint and say what the hey!!! Problem with that plan is they are barely hanging on in the tower and everything said is taken personally.

Today I go to work to be the best nurse I can be....NO FEAR.

Random Muses

I love a person who doesn't take themselves so seriously that they can't see the humor in themselves or life. This Thanksgiving I met again a beautiful young woman, intelligent, kind but truly what makes me love her is that she can laugh at herself. Her duty this Thanksgiving was to make the sweet potato's. Who would have thought that a potato could cause so much discussion. There are dozens of varieties and she grew up in a family that knows there potatoes because of farming....but alas a sweet potato is challenging and after no help from my son (he has never eaten a sweet potato because for some reason without a relationship with them he has deemed them inedible) she made a batch of sweet-potatoes. I mean regular red potatoes with brown sugar, butter and nuts. They looked different and after much discussion we realized that in fact they were not made with a sweet potato. We laughed and laughed, it lighten the day and a family story was born...but truly the best part is she could laugh at herself.

I put up my Christmas decorations...more on this later...it feels weird to put up Christmas decorations when it is 52 degrees outside.

I am not sure how I feel about this month but I am going to ponder the changes and get back to me....a blog makes you funny.

To Trust or Not to Trust

I was raised with conflicting views, on the one hand I was raised by an open, loving man who sought the best in people. It has led me to live my life without strangers. Everyone is a potential person in my life,one way or the other. I will talk to strangers in line, shopping, class...well the list could go on and on. During the same period of life I was raised to know that life could change at a moments notice and that people would turn against me if only for my cultural background. I was protected both physically and emotionally from the possible pain that could happen. I grew up in a time where prejudice against anyone who was different existed. And so I was placed in a educationally protected environment, not allowed to join certain clubs and associated with "safe" people. With all of this protection the world still creeps in and so I experienced overt racial prejudice, but in my life time I have reached a place where a person of color is President.

It is with these changes of events that I am going to try and move my safety net a little further out. For me this is huge, in that I have over a life time created scenarios in my head for every event and that consumes too much time. Even little things...if a trust issue over a small event has occurred I can move it to the top of my "be careful of this person" list. I have little tolerance for humans who I don't trust, when in fact they are just being humans and sometimes mistakes happen and grace is needed on both sides.

Sure there will still be emotionally dangerous people who I will continue to sail around which is what sailors do...they sail around the storm but enjoy the ocean.

Update BB: Actually there is no update...I am still trying to figure it out.

$$$$$$$

It was an interesting Black Friday. I usually do not shop on this day because of the crowds but I do like the holiday feel of being out and about with the holiday feeling floating around. This year I am in Portland and so the son's sweethearts and myself went out and hit Macy's at 7 am. I was ready for the crowds and instead found myself on the trolley car alone and then when I got off I was several blocks from Macy's and it was dark and quiet. As I walked along I realized I was a little turned around and so was directed by cell phone by Greg towards the store (what did we do before cells). A little nervous I was amazed that I was alone. Occasionally I would wake up a homeless person in a doorway and exchange greetings. Jenn was coming towards Macy's from the PSU campus and Sarah was taking the MAX in from Beaverton. Well...there were no crowds, sort disconcerting because the reality is people do not have as much to spend. Great for us because there were no lines, service was great and we were done in less then 30 minutes!

It was the best Black Friday shopping I had experienced because I am more of a small store person then the mall type. I am basically an introvert and so I like those more intimate shopping experiences then the big crowds. Spending the rest of the morning with Connor always gives me a warm feeling. In the afternoon Greg and I headed to my favorite area 23rd street where we people watched and stimulated the economy. We did our part!

Update Battle of the Bulge: OK, the shrimp running on the treadmill is pissing me off! I can't run for 4+ hours although after a weekend of yummy holiday goodies and of course a stop at Moonstruck Chocolate...well it is to bad i am allergy to shell fish otherwise I would eat that shrimp and call it good.

Pillow Talk

I survived Thanksgiving Day! I not only survived I had a wonderful time. I love the fact that people from different walks and talks can enjoy each others company. It is an interesting time in my life in that for the first time we were traveling to our adult children. So remember my previous blog about parental nugget...well we hit the gold mine! Hosted by my oldest with his sweetheart and son, the guest list included a couple of her siblings, her dad, step mom, stepbrother, my youngest, his sweetheart and us. The conversation was light, interesting, funny and the food was fabulous. There are definitely recipes to be exchanged.

The best part was to see our 2 sons and their sweethearts in relationship. Life does not have to be decisive or competitive, it can be filled with acceptance and love. This is a gift to both of us because we, in our bumbling efforts to parent created a space unlike our own childhoods where family could be in relationship and walk away with no battle wounds. Each generation learns from the previous, takes the good and leaves the bad and so it moves forward.

Update Battle of the Bulge: Well it was not as bad as years passed but I am telling you Sarah's sister Becky makes a stuffing that is a work of art, the turkey was so moist and yummy and there was so much dessert!!!!!!!!! My friend Martha would have loved every bite as I did.

Today

T = thankful for....
H = health and home
A = abilities
N = Nozze de Greg and Anna
K = kookies
S = spell check
G = goodness of man
I = me, you, I
V = vision
I = you, me and I...hummm
N = nuts
G = great friends

Update Battle of the Bulge: Happy Thanksgiving, I am skipping the battle today but the war is still on!

Get Ready it's Almost Here!

It is the holiday that Hollywood makes movies about, the one where every one gets together and you can feel the love rising in the heat off the turkey. I spent years dreaming of that table in the Norman Rockwell painting where the multi generational family is seated around the absolutely beautiful Martha Stewart turkey (did you notice how I named dropped my new girlfriend!)

It never happened at my house. First of all our table was filled with immigrants. So our table not only had a dried out turkey because my mother was raised eating fish but also included kim chee, fish, seaweed...of course my dad being Caucasian had to have the regulars so my mother made Elmer's glue mashed potatoes, dried turkey and all the other side dishes. From a young child's perspective it was all exciting. As I grew older I noticed that my family didn't watch football, our entertainment was of the Holly Hunter variety...it was the beginning of the season to air all your grievances against anyone sitting at the table....oh yeah...they were captured by the intent of a perfect holiday but it was actually a time to get together and express yourself.

So for me Thanksgiving came to be a day where you turned on the Thanksgiving Day Parade to drown out the conversation and you ate until you lost your hearing. It is a difficult holiday because you have gotten to lighten the emotional load but you only had so many days to make up for your "High Speed Come Apart" before Christmas so you'd get presents.

I know the Thanksgiving of my youth was not uncommon, otherwise Hollywood wouldn't be making movies on the subject. I do have fond memories that included the multicultural aspects of my life and they always bring warm memories of my dad, who passed on to me the love of all things holiday.

Update Battle of the Bulge: I feel a little lighter today, I didn't have any vertigo at work (major plus) and I think my boobs look smaller today.

Girlfriend or Not?

Before I start today's blog I am making it known that at the end of each blog I am going to give a short update on my battle against the bulge.

So girlfriend or not....Girlfriends are the best thing in the entire universe. The issue these days is that time, family and work get in the way of girlfriend time. So you have to be creative in talking with your girlfriends. Email makes it easier, I have one friend who has 2 e-mail addresses in which I can send a connection note. I still grieve how little time there is for girlfriends. They are different then sisters, mom's, aunts or any other female on the face of the world...because girlfriends are a reflection of yourself, you chose them for a variety of reasons. It could be that they have similar views on life, men or children...or maybe they enjoy the same pass times. Sometimes in conversation if you really pay attention to the underlying movements of their skin and eyes you can see an answer you won't get from anyone else.

One of the really awesome parts of the girlfriend relationship is forgiveness, rarely do you have to kill or divorce a girlfriend. Yeah, it happens on the rare occasion but for the most part if you have chosen wisely they are there forever. The hard part is that in this day and age you just don't have enough time to connect as much as you would like to, so you either wait patiently for the girlfriend time or you pick up a new girlfriend....

Which brings me to my new girlfriend...she is intelligent, well traveled, pretty, cooks well, is available a lot! Her name is Martha...oh yeah I am talking Martha Stewart! Yesterday I was running errands listening to Satellite radio and Martha was taking calls about Thanksgiving Day preparations. Since I was feeling girlfriend lonely I immediately called and had...SHUT UP...a very nice conversation with Martha...OH YEAH...I could feel the love and connections. She was encouraging about my plans for Thanksgiving! I hope she doesn't see one of my previous blogs about how her complexion must be so nice because of her jail time.....

And so all I can say is Oprah...eat your heart out, you've never answered one of my e-mails and I have official moved on to a new girlfriend!!!!!!!

Battle of the Bulge: Did pretty good yesterday except for the second handful of tortilla chips (they were organic) I slept better but today is the real test I am working in an area where food is not allowed!!!!!!!!!!!!

Is That My Stomach Growling???

My primary care provider told me I am carrying too much weight. This is a reality I have been living with for a couple of years. I have lost a substantial amount of weight before and as suggested by her I shouldn't reinvent the wheel but do what was successful before.

Here is where I throw a tantrum!

I don't want to do what I did before! I want to be like every body else who is able to eat an apple without gaining any weight!!!!!!! But the reality is that America is fatter than they have ever been and that girl who was able to stuff her face and not gain a pound is harder to find. Besides the fact that my body is just not like that...I am going to gain weight if I eat 1 to many apples let alone a bowl of chocolate.

So when I was in her office spouting the number of hours spent in exercise and the fact that I eat healthy whole foods...she quietly said I was eating too much...well shut up, which is what I did because what can one say to the truth!

So today although I am not going back to weighing and measuring every morsel, I am embarking on a journey to listen to the 2 parts of my body that have gotten me into this mess, my stomach and my brain. I am a habitual eater, healthy foods yes but my brain says to eat every 3 hours because she cannot stand the growling that goes on from my stomach. I can feel panic if I start to feel hungry. A gift from my parents who at different times in their lives starved. Of course I have never starved but carry on the family tradition as a good daughter should. And there is the fact that food means more to me than nourishment, it is love, pain, fear and contentment. My brain and stomach wage a war that takes no prisoners.

How to understand 2 vastly different entities (my brain and stomach) and their approach to food. It is like learning a foreign language. This week I have decided to eat when I am hungry and to eat only until I don't feel hungry not until I am full. A book I read called The Blue Zone states that in blue zones where people live a healthier longer life they eat only until they aren't hungry any more not until they feel full. This results in a 30% less calorie intake. That means I have to get my brain and my stomach to work together for the greater good.

I also have a feeling that my eyes are siding with either the brain or stomach depending on who is working in it's best interest...much like Switzerland. So I am going to eat half of what I normally do, which means I will make half a sandwich instead of a whole one, that way my stomach can learn to eat until I don't feel hungry not until I feel full. It is all very confusing too me but I am bound and determined to figure out who is talking to whom and how I ended up with this chocolate candy in my mouth!

Live Laugh Love

A dear friend gave me a porcelain plate that had Live, Laugh, Love which we have seen written on all manner of items over the last few years. The difference is around the plate it doesn't settle for the obvious but says I must Live Fearlessly, Laugh Joyfully and Love Tenderly. I see this plate each day and have begun to try and use it as a mantra in approaching the day. Some days are easier than others but even the days that are hard they are made easier by the mantra.

How does one live fearlessly in a world filled with fear....start by looking every one you meet straight in the eye. Do you actually look the grocery clerk in the eye when wishing them a good day?

How do you laugh joyfully in a world where so many are crying...hang out with a bunch of little kids. Yesterday Greg, Robin and I went to family/friends breakfast at my cousins and I can tell you nothings is more joyful then a bunch of little kids. Branch out and start hanging with a younger crowd!

How do you love tenderly in a world where hate is held so fiercely...spread kindness, speak only kind words, physically touch another with kindness whether it be a handshake or hug, take the time to say something kind to each person you meet.

Parental Nuggets

Since our children were born we have sought parental nuggets. I listen to other parents and they have the same longings. It is those moments that make us feel good about being a parent and that we actually are doing a good job. Once we take on the responsibility of another human being our path of emotional well being is interwoven with another. And so it starts, we wait patiently for the first moment when we are given a signal that we are good parents...the baby smiles! We must be fabulous parents because the baby smiled and it surely must be because the baby is happy about us! Hook, line and sinker. From then on we wait for the nuggets.

As our children grow the nuggets get farther and farther apart, they take on more complex reason. We watch how they play with other, do they share, are they kind....and we compare with other children. Parents can take a beating during these years and for the most part it is our own doing because we not only focus on our own children but any nugget we gain can be diminished by a nugget being received by another parent. Why is my child a brat and bites, why can't my child play music well....and for some powerful reason we take on the burden of all that our children are or are not. It is an interesting time for parents because we take on the god complex...somehow everything is our fault or because of our abilities. We can lose sight that our children are independent on a really basic level from the day they are born and yes we can influence them but truly they are who they are.

As children grow into adulthood the nuggets have more meaning because they are given with intent. But I find it interesting that because of all the history of nuggets given randomly without intent by our children that when they are adults we knee jerk to the nugget. Case in point....a woman I know son gave her and her husband they most wonderful nugget. He is away at a prestigious college and as a freshman was on a televised soccer game. He made the only goal and won the game for his team and to the camera from across the states said hi to his parents in Oregon. She and her husband were so proud and were jumping and screaming. She told every person she met the story. When she was telling me it was with the same excitement as if she had just heard her son....when I congratulated her and said these are really sweet parental moments, her response was well...she was waiting for the other shoe to drop...that every time he did something great it was followed by something not so great. WHAT THE HEY??? We do not give ourselves the gift of holding each nugget as it's own jewel but judge ourselves by everything and we wonder why parents look so insecure.

Yesterday I received a nugget from each son which I shared with their father so we could sit in the warm glow of the heat that the nugget gives. I put some money in our younger son's account at college and received an e-mail that I had been naughty and that I should keep our money for ourselves that he was getting paid today. When the older son arrived back to his home he called and I asked him what he wanted for Christmas this year? He said nothing, that we had done so much for him this past year and he appreciated it so much that he didn't want us to get him a present.

Hummm, can you feel the warmth...nuggets give off heat that you can save for later when you need the warmth.

I'm Dying.

But have a new commitment to living. Sounds like an oxymoron but yesterday I had my annual check up that I have avoided for over 2 years and came away with a renewed vigor for living.

Most of my comprehending years have been spent in the knowledge that life can end unexpectedly. My dad dropped dead 2 days after his 49th birthday. This week a well know outdoors journalist dropped dead at 50....so I have approached life with fear and only as I approached my 50's did I gain a zest for living. In my 40's I made a life list that I have been experiencing. But for the last year I have let my life get out of balance. One of the obvious ways was ignoring my body. Avoiding my check ups...it had been over 2 years since I had a mammogram and at least that since I had had a pap and check up done. Letting worry take up most of my free time instead of day dreaming.

So I slowly have been making my way back to a fine balance, got a mammogram which was OK, have had 3 acupuncture treatments which have been a wonderful experience, made an appointment with a new massage therapist in December and best of all made my first yearly physical in the last 3 years. It is the check up that has had the biggest impact. I get my check ups with the most interesting nurse practitioner. She speaks to my heart in a way that creates new winkles on the surface of my brain. She walks the same path and knows. She speaks not only of the body but the mind and so I listen on both an emotional and cellular level.

She told me I am dying....that we all are dying so why not make take each day with a zest for living. Those words moved through my system and were picked up by every cell. I felt synapses firing and I knew that life was going to take an adventurous turn. And while I had felt tired, sad and worried when I went in...knowing I was dying has left me happy, refreshed and longing for adventure because I know no longer have to worry about dying....what a hoot.

Having a Buddy Does Wonders For The Heart

For me it started in kindergarten. Back then your teacher on the first day of school assigned you a buddy. This was the person who you stood in line with, held hands going out to the playground and making sure you came back in safely. When lunch came you held your buddy's hand and marched to the lunch room. It was a assigned life line to the scary new adventures. No matter how scared you were holding hands made it a little better.

I learned that a buddy didn't even have to be human. When humans were ugly to you a buddy could be an invisible friend or a stuffed animal. Mine was named Henry. An invisible frog who lived in a shoe box in my closet. Every night my dad would put me to bed and the process was made easier by the ritual of putting Henry to bed in my closet. To this day I have an affinity for all things frog. The memory of Henry can bring a smile to my face years later.

There is a sense of connection when you have a buddy. Dogs are great buddies, they are always happy to see you, they like playing and love to share meals. In my neighborhood there are a lot of retired people and a lot of buddies. I think if it wasn't for buddies some of these people would never go outside. So it makes me think that buddies give you courage.

Relationships with another human is the ultimate of the buddy companion. The buddy relationship doesn't happen overnight, it takes kindness and grace. If you can keep focused on those 2 things the buddy relationship can evolve and fill in all the nooks and crannies that have been left empty.

So it is with this thought I give thanks for all the kindness and grace I have been given and I wait patiently for my buddy to come home.

Two Women

I saw two women, one I am related too and one was a stranger. The one I am related too is strong and unwavering in her convictions. She has endured war, hunger and loss. Yet she has continued to live a very full successful life that she will without humility tell you is due to her own effort, intelligence and strength. She has no understanding of the psyche or emotions as they are weaknesses that if left to their own devises will make you weak. She is a mother and yet no confidences are shared with her because she has no empathy.

The other woman, a stranger standing on a street corner. I was stopped luckily on the opposite side at a very long light and so could be a unnoticed observer. She was the same age as the first woman, in her late 60's-70's. Dressed nice, clean, with a handbag hanging over one shoulder. The unusual part of this observation was that she was holding a cardboard sign with a begging message written across. I could tell that people who were stopped all appeared to be in a trance like observation. What the heck...grandma is a begging pan handler! She was the grandma to everyone at that intersection. A young man ran up to her and was talking while another man driving a late model big rig pulled over and gave her a fast food bag. Could we not feel the fear that this could be us!

Or as the first woman says, what a waste. Bad choices were made in her life, married wrong...didn't get an education...living on social security....raised her children to be losers like her....oh I have heard it all and it all has a ring of truth. But what about the story between the judgment. What about life sometimes giving you lemons and you don't have the emotional strength to make lemonade. What if the message she brings to everyone at that intersection is forgiveness, empathy, support and isn't her life worth the fact that she brings that message to us all. We need to extend a hand, we need to look the homeless in the eyes, we need to talk and treat each other as fellow human beings.

I hope I am a woman who has "some" of the traits of the first but has the strength of the second to stand on a corner and make the world think.

Depends or Dependence?

If you are not careful a relationship can foster dependence which in turn can be like wearing a pair of depends.

Maybe someday we are all faced with adding depends to our wardrobe. The secret back up pantie that will catch any leakage that is caused by a sneeze, laugh, fear, pushing a bowling ball size head out during childbirth or just standing there not doing a thing,but in the mean time we have to do our exercises that keep the muscles strong. So it is true about relationships....

If you are not careful you can become so dependent in a relationship that you loose your instinctive and emotional survival skills. Case in point, DH is out of town for the first time in over five years and I am left to fend for myself. A little tickle of fear exist especially when the damm garage door wouldn't close! Oh my god what am I going to do...my very first instinct was to call him! What the heck can he do, he's 8 hours away! Then I calmed down and walked around the garage realizing that a tarp was covering the sensor. I did this without leaking any urine! I had enough lights on last night that I got an email from the space station that they were trying to sleep and to turn the !@#$ lights off!

The upside to my temporary independence, I got to watch 4 episodes in a row of the Amazing Race and I got to sleep in the center of the bed. Most of all I realize that I need to keep refreshing my own set of survival skills and not let myself become complacent. And while I still do not need depends I do have to wear my big girl panties and take a moment to enjoy this independence and be grateful for a really awesome life.

Oh Pleeeze Say It's Not So!

I had a patient last week, 78 yr. old female who in the process of gathering health history for an upcoming surgery told me she was worried about her children! I gasped and said, "say it's not so...that I never get to give up this worry!?" She said in all her years of wisdom and Yoda like knowledge....HECK NO! So I asked, "How old is your son?" "51!!!!!!!"

Pleeeeze say it's not so! I then proceeded to grill her on why she is worried about her 51 year old and the conversation snaked it's way to the economy and although college educated and well employed he is in a profession that is feeling the hurt...like which one isn't. Then she told me she also worries about all her grandchildren....oh crap...I forgot about those like nuggets to worry about. By the time I was done, she felt better but I felt worse! Because again I am faced with the realization that you never give up the parent card...that is if you love your kids.

Sure there are those sperm and egg donors who are able to kick the little sh@#$'s out of the house without a look back but I personally don't know any of them. All of my friends in their 50's stay up worrying about their children. And my own dear sister has added a grandchild to the worry list.

So is it worth it....for sure! Instead of wishing I never had children so I could spare myself the worry I take stress management classes, exercise, tweak my diet and write in my blog because my children bring me more joy and worry and I love every Mr. Toad's Wild Ride aspect of our lives.

Which brings me back to the joke I told the patient about the news journalist interviewing 100 old people and asking them their number 1 worry in life being a 100 yrs. old. It wasn't "what was for dessert", it wasn't "did anyone hear that fart" and it wasn't "will I have to vote in the next presidential election" but in fact their number one worry in life at 100 years old was their 80 year old children!

Surviving the holidays!

So I, as many women break the holidays down to manageable chunks. Over time I have learned to pick up gifts along the way that make me think of the recipient. Usually I can find more affordable gift instead of the last minute grab and buy. I think the gifts are more thoughtful, so more satisfying for me as the giver. Rather than that last minute gift basket filled with potted meats.

I start thinking about my Christmas letter. Oh yeah, it takes me time to put the right ingredient of humble pie and out right bragging that I get to do every Christmas. And I know from my own experience that when a person receives a Christmas letter no matter how put off you were by this person's letter last year, you can't help but read the thing. I know I have a captive audience.
There are family members who I only connect with this time of year. So slam them with a mountain of information about life in Oregon.

Food. Now here are the landmines of the holidays. How to get to Jan. 2nd and still weight the same.....pass me the chocolate mass of goo....I lick my fingers so much this time of year that I don't have to use lotion. I am still trying to figure this one out. This year I have a plan! Yesterday I went to Barnes and Noble and bought Martha Stewart's Cookie cook book. Oh yeah, I am going to drool over those photos and recipes without baking a single recipe, hoping that I won't gain weight in my pass time. I look at the photo of Martha and I swear she looks the same as 20 years ago...amazing what a little prison will do for the complexion. Or maybe she has the same brush artist used on the cover of Oprah. If it looks like I am not succeeding in the "no gain" by looking at this book then the back up battle plan is to make dozens of cookies for my family/friends so that they can gain weight and I will look the same in comparison....hummmm

Sleeping In

Most of my family would say I don't even know what this means but I do sleep in....it just that sleeping in for me means I slept till 6:00 am. After all I get up every morning at 4:00 am to make it to the gym by the time it opens at 4:30 am. I am an early riser, was born and raised to this status. When my sister and I (we shared a bed) would try and sleep in my dad would come in and pick up one end of the mattress and roll us off the bed. My mother's mantra was "the early bird gets the worm." I don't know if I got the worm but I grew up with the need to rise early. My day is long and I do have time to get more packed in to it...which can make me tired and long for the ability to sleep in.

What a weird circle....but I do get regular exercise and I do get to see shooting stars, beautiful sun rises...I mean the kind that crayola has yet to duplicate the color. I see other hearty souls and feel a kindred spirit with them, especially the other gym rats who are waiting for the door to open at 4:30 am

Hitting my 50's it does take more effort to keep this schedule but this lifestyle has made the most wonderful thing evolve and that is sleeping in on the weekends to at least 6:30 and sometimes 7:30. It has created a ritual of breakfast in bed with the morning paper which DH and I alternate creating. Now I wait anxiously for the weekend morning and I am frustrated if somehow our schedule is interrupted and there is no breakfast in bed.

So as usual for women I am trying to keep a fine balance, have cake and eat it too and god forbid...be the early bird and not the worm.

who is this depressed woman?

I recognize her. She used to live here and only flew when no was watching. She was fat and sad but over the last few years she grew new wings and was able to sore over the land and the view was breath taking so she forgot she was sad. Lately though I have seen her again...not every day but sneaking and lurking around. Her wings are getting shorter and they can't carry the weight of her, so she is slowing down. I can see the fear in her eyes that soon she may only fly when no one is watching again. Normally I would try and ignore her because she scares me, but I know she must feel sad about not flying and I after all am an empathy magnet. So, although I shed a tear in sadness and fear I am going to help her...I know I can because I have helped her before and we both felt good because her wings were beautiful and strong and carried us both.

Pokey Pokey

Acupuncture. I had my first treatment yesterday. I have been interested in eastern medicine ever since I traveled to China 3 years ago. Did some reading back then and have always resisted the surgery/pill route if I could. The problem is eastern medicine takes commitment. They don't just give you a quick pill to swallow or cut out the problem.

What I know is American life is so full, we work longer hours than other countries and we have less time off. We are encouraged to work overtime and to somehow be proud of that fact. But eastern medicine requires you to take the time to think about your body. To pay attention, feel, listen and then do what is required. That's right....you have to do something yourself, not hand it over to someone else to take care of for you.

So, my first acupuncture treatment was in a ortho/neuro surgical center of all places. The room was lovely and the table was very comfortable with light music playing. I first thought was this is wonderful just to lie down and be still for a moment...forget the needles. The needles were felt going in some places more than others but over all were not painful at all. Then the most wonderful pressure massage of the neck and shoulders was done with an ointment then felt cool and wonderful.

It is an ongoing treatment with at least 4 successive treatments with a reevaluation after on subsequent treatments.

Results. Although after the first treatment I still have vertigo, the discomfort in my hip and sciatic nerve is not there today....that alone is making me happy. I can't wait for the next one if only to have a moment in time to be quiet.

My next endeavor is to learn to meditate...after all I am tired of listening to my brain argue with itself!

Working on the chain gang

DH has today off in honor of Veteran's, as for me today was a regular day off this rotation. But instead of honoring our Vets we are working on a chain gang. Being a working class landlord means you are not wealthy enough to hire someone to clean up a rental after a tenant has moved out, all it means is through your own sacrifice and saving you were able to buy property to rent to other but that you yourself must upkeep. I grew up in this environment so have been cleaning up after others my entire life!

You would be amazed at how little regard people have for the places they inhabit when it is not there own. I have cleaned up garbage left in huge piles, scrubs walls and floors, thrown out the remnants of drug paraphernalia. DH has painted enough walls to go around the world. So today is spent repairing the last pieces of a wonderful home so it can be added to the rental market.

Surprisingly it is like dressing up a new baby. We have spent every day off for the last month on this house and it looks so beautiful just waiting for that perfect family who will cherish it and make it a home. If not DH and I will be back next time painting, cleaning and fixing because it is our hard work that keeps it waiting again.

Pay Attention

I tend to keep my eyes focused on my own life...full speed ahead. Between work, family, friend, exercise and a dose of hobby thrown in the mix leaves little time to actually take in additional information. But we are not solitary creatures and although we would like to believe we are insulated in our own little world what goes on outside the front door does impact our life.

Although economically I am sound...both DH and I have good careers, we have always been conservative in our spending and our family unit has remained intact. We are affected by all that goes on around us. This has caused an automatic shift without any planning in our spending. Fear can be contagious. I am cutting coupons...go figure...but only for the items I would normally buy. I am listening to the economic suggestions of the all knowing financial experts. Only buying on sale. We go out less. But a lot of the suggestions are ones we have always lived by. We both have always packed our lunch. I own 2 very cool lunch boxes depending on my mood before it was cool to have a beautiful lunch box. We go to the cheap movies or watch Netflix. We dine out at Happy Hour when the menu is more reasonable. And we don't take vacation unless we can pay up front. These simple lifestyle choices have made our life less fearful but it does not keep me from feeling the fear.

Case in Point.

Yesterday I saw a man who was sitting on the tail gate of his late model car in a parking lot with his possession spread out in front of him for sale...vacuum, stereo, electronic equipment....I thought about him all day. Life can through you a curve ball no matter how much you have practiced to hit it back. Choices boy they are hard sometimes.

Finding the Right Listener

It has taken me a life time but I am getting closer to finding the right listener. It can't be anyone who has their own agenda...so not a mother. It can't be someone who has an answer for all your questions...so not a sibling. It can't be some who worries about your questions...so not a husband. It can't be someone who thinks you have most of the answers...so not your children. Friends might be a good choice but only friends who don't necessarily always side with you but bring a good ear and an occasional thought provoking comment. It may be that you are your own best listener but the rules have to be followed...

No calling yourself names
Not letting you be right all the time
Giving yourself a little grace

Being your own best listener may require a glass of wine while conversing.

Being my own Best Friend

When I first started this blog I imagined it would be cool to type whatever moved me. I chose to remain basically anonymous so I would feel free to write uninhibited. Now a week out I understand that if not self promoted most blogs live in obscurity because there are so many of us. It is like sifting though the real estate ads to find the one house you would like to do a walk through. In some ways it would be nice to have the occasional input but it has now evolved to existing like a journal or diary. How amazing is that. All of my life I have wanted to keep a journal...I have several very beautiful journals which have maybe a total of 5-10 pages written. When ever I discover them hidden in bookshelves and drawers I marvel at the snapshot those few pages give me to my life at that time. I was never able to maintain my interest. I am drawn to displays that sell handmade journals and beautiful pens but find it very funny that for some reason I am drawn to type my thoughts in a very ugly black laptop. For some reason I have found the little piece of real estate, done the walk through, and really enjoy typing away on my blog.

Personal AD

I was reading the personal ads in our local slightly left bent free paper which is published once a week. It was pleasantly surprising to see ads from women in their 60's. As I read down the page I realized they were oozing with the positive which I supposed is important when trying to attract a response...but...I pondered if life would not be better if we could be totally honest and if there is really a person out there that would accept us as we really are?

So, here is my personal AD.

WF or actually half white, half oriental. Hates camping but loves room service. Likes to hike but carries my own toilet paper and hand sanitizer. Will not venture into the woods during mosquito season. Would love to dance but can't stop leading. Loves a high fiber diet but will fart profusely for at least 6 hours post meal. Loves going to animated children's movies. Must have chocolate every day but results are a full figured kind of gal. Would like a man who can make breakfast in bed, mix great margaritas, good listener, who will at least commit to being a dancer in his next life and not run when the gas monster starts up.

Holy Moly....thank god I'm married.

Yikes!

In the middle of the night, dead asleep, a spider was crawling on my arm....euwwww! But instinctively I brushed it away smashing it in the process. By then my brain kicked in and said move, move, move there is a spider in the bed and I flew out of bed in one fluid movement turning on the light. Simultaneouly DH flew out of his side without question and then said "what's the matter?" In that moment we were a fine tuned survival machine, covering each other's back, not 50+ year olds on the downhill slide of life. It made me feel good. Together in an emergency we can remain cool, move fast and take care of ourselves....that is together! Had I been alone there might have been a different ending. But DH scooped up the smashed spider and flushed him down the toliet and only then...after the crisis was over did we revert back to our repective ages and both have to take a leak before getting back in bed. After all when you are 50+ an emergency of any kind will require you to empty your bladder afterwards.

A Monumental Day

I survived yesterday which was the worst day I have had in a long time. I felt my age all day long with a dose of vertigo thrown in...yikes. As if anyone needs vertigo on top of the spinning climate of the world!

The one great thing about being married to your best friend is that you can come home and be exactly who you are at that moment...ugly, nasty, bitchy and general the last person you would want to be with, let alone married. But after a nicely displayed tantrum about the day (truly nothing nice about it) I could settle down with a glass of wine and watch the world change before my eyes. Election Day, finally arriving and with all the excitement of waiting to see who gets voted off the island next!!!! Yes I am a Survivor junkie. Can you believe that a woman who barely has time to watch TV is hooked on Survivor.

In my life I have experienced racism first hand but now I am alive to see the first black president. It gets no better than this and with the book open each page will be filled with excitement, progress, hope and tragedies. There will be no going backwards, no burning this book and for me a hopeful future for my children and grandchildren.

And I commit to not throwing another tantrum this month...after all December isn't that far away!

Empathy Magnet

I know that I should be reflecting on the elections today but I am ready to move forward. For the first time this past week I have filled my recycle bin...mostly with cards and fliers promoting some yahoo who is going to change my life for the better....hmmm

I am basically a cup half full find of gal. I can easily maneuver through life, picking myself up in a timely manner when I get kicked in the shin. I listen to both sides of a story (knowing I am right). But, what I do know about myself and is more apparent of late is I am an "Empathy Magnet." You ask, "What the hell is that?" For the most part when a friend is having a hard time I feel her pain, when the chimp brings the Pepsi to the scientist...I cry, when I watch emotional movies I cry hard...I mean really hard. Now being an empathy magnet is good in the best of time. You are seen as a shoulder to lean on, people talk to you. As a protective mechanism I avoid movies that are really sad or fearful. I only have a select small group of friends and I have learned to eat lunch in a quiet place. The problem now is my magnet is on full draw...with the news headlining disaster every friggin' day, with people I know losing their jobs and homes, my favorite restaurants and stores closing, I am emotionally drowning. I am exhausted most of the time, my libido is half what it used to be and my brain is firing full speed towards....oh my god the skies falling!

So, I have a plan for winter...to survive the darkness of the day coming sooner and longer. I am going to take a clue from chicken little. Get more exercise by running around. I have taken up screaming at the top of my lungs when I am alone at home and it does release the stress in my jaw. I am giving up my grab for the business section of the paper to see what businesses are sinking. I have joined a hiking group of people I don't know. I made my first appointment to have acupuncture. I am making the next few month one of new experiences because basically I like being an empathy magnet. I love people and I love being connected, I just need to find a path this winter that will let me be who I am and survive the emotional storm all around me.