Success or Failure

When I became a nurse I had no sense of success or failure. The system was set up for me to be a success. Hospitals and managers were so desperate for "good" nurses that they made sure even if you had some learning curve issues that you were set up for success. Learning a new department or procedure was done in a systematic and measurable way and you were given a concrete time to learn but you had a preceptor who also was given measurable goals. If there was an issue with meeting the goals they invested the time to figure out how to make you a success and adjusted the process to meet your learning style.

No longer, now you are a number on a grid of schedule sheets. You fill a spot and economically it had better be worth it. You have no consistent preceptor, you learn from anyone who has a moment to explain something to you and then it is different each time you talk to someone new. Everyone is walking around in a state of fear in a place where you do not want the patient to be fearful.

I hit my nursing wall yesterday...my emotional nursing wall...I am sad...angry...and worse of all...fearful. What to do...talking does not seem to make a hoot of difference, my words fall on deaf ears or you get that look of "what a pansy."

So, what to do. I must figure out a way to meet the patients with an open non fearful heart, who are a part of the career I love and signed up to serve. It seems to be the only way to do this is to divorce myself from the process overall, hunker down, maybe cry for the loss of support and pray that nothing bad happens on my shift....what a sucky way to live...or maybe I will just stomp down to the head of this joint and say what the hey!!! Problem with that plan is they are barely hanging on in the tower and everything said is taken personally.

Today I go to work to be the best nurse I can be....NO FEAR.