I'm Dying.

But have a new commitment to living. Sounds like an oxymoron but yesterday I had my annual check up that I have avoided for over 2 years and came away with a renewed vigor for living.

Most of my comprehending years have been spent in the knowledge that life can end unexpectedly. My dad dropped dead 2 days after his 49th birthday. This week a well know outdoors journalist dropped dead at 50....so I have approached life with fear and only as I approached my 50's did I gain a zest for living. In my 40's I made a life list that I have been experiencing. But for the last year I have let my life get out of balance. One of the obvious ways was ignoring my body. Avoiding my check ups...it had been over 2 years since I had a mammogram and at least that since I had had a pap and check up done. Letting worry take up most of my free time instead of day dreaming.

So I slowly have been making my way back to a fine balance, got a mammogram which was OK, have had 3 acupuncture treatments which have been a wonderful experience, made an appointment with a new massage therapist in December and best of all made my first yearly physical in the last 3 years. It is the check up that has had the biggest impact. I get my check ups with the most interesting nurse practitioner. She speaks to my heart in a way that creates new winkles on the surface of my brain. She walks the same path and knows. She speaks not only of the body but the mind and so I listen on both an emotional and cellular level.

She told me I am dying....that we all are dying so why not make take each day with a zest for living. Those words moved through my system and were picked up by every cell. I felt synapses firing and I knew that life was going to take an adventurous turn. And while I had felt tired, sad and worried when I went in...knowing I was dying has left me happy, refreshed and longing for adventure because I know no longer have to worry about dying....what a hoot.