Yo-Yo or Your On Your Own

The generation that was born in the 1970's, 1980's and 1990's is referred now as the "me generation."  There was a time that the boomer generation was referred as the "me generation" but it was only a false label.  The boomers didn't discovered the "me" until young adulthood.  They were raised by teachers in dresses and suits and parents who didn't take any lip.  Even in young adulthood when they were involved with independent, in your face kind of behavior...it was always in a group.  Group protest, marches, yoga...you name it we were all about the group. 

The real "me generation" was born after 1970.  They were raised to be aware of self, before group.  From birth, we made sure our children were special as if by giving them this gift they will always be happy.  Sure, our children and grandchildren are special to us...but joe blow down the block could care less how special your little johnny is.  In fact he believes he is raising  children that are even more special...and that is where the feet meet the pavement.  The "me generation" is the "most confident, assertive and entitled - and more miserable that ever before." 

Once our children were born we wanted them to be even more sure of themselves.  Different types of education were developed so that parents could seek the perfect fit for their truly exceptional child.  Stickers were give out just because you remembered to give your parents a note.  Cartoons and books were written in the frame of "me" and "I."  Our children grew up with us fighting the battle of self esteem, for them.

For us, "Families could achieve middle class status on the earnings of one high school educated person, it now takes the earnings of two college educated people to achieve the same standard of living."  Yet, we raised our children to believe that if they picked the profession they loved...the money would come.  Now, in these economic times there are a whole lot of people who wish...as the knight in Indiana Jones said..."chose wisely."  There a now a whole generation of confident, assertive and entitled people out there...who must now figure out how to create their own lives.  I met a young man who I hadn't seen in a while.  He works as a driver for UPS and being low man on the totem  pole he would be the one they laid off...but unlike many in the "me generation" he chose to work what ever shift he could...split shift, in the middle of the night shift...but he is working...and he confident, assertive...but you know, he dropped the entitlement.  Maybe that is where the key lies...in the Yo-Yo...your on your own...you are not entitled. 

We loved our children.  We would do anything for our sons.  And we made some mistakes in parenting that we wish we could have been given a do-over. 

But, I believe they have a chance for a good life because we also gave them these lessons...in between the enabling.

If there is not a lot of blood, don't come whinning.

Yes, your teacher is a jerk...but someday you might have a boss who is a jerk...so work with it.

Hey, you come from a family tree of hard workers.

and a whole lot of...

WOW, what a bummer for you....

Get Off The Bus

I ran into someone at work who I hadn't seen in quite a while.  As we talked and caught up on what they had been up too...I find out they got off the bus.  That is the bus of life, family, responsibility, have toos, should haves, gotta do's.

After a life time of taking care of the family, meeting the responsibility and stepping up to the plate...they got off the bus.  Took a 6 month leave of absence from the life they knew, headed towards a 24-7 vacation in another country and got to know themselves again.

This is a dramatic step.  Although I do not know the details of the family life they led, I imagine a choice like this did not come without pain.  In our conversation the idea of "taking care" of themselves came up. Weird, because that has been the topic of someone close to me.  I wondered why it took such a dramatic step to take care of themselves?  How do we let our lives get to the point where there is no other choice but to get off the bus.  Can't we stay on the bus and take in the scenery?  Isn't it better for everyone if we can figure out how to take care of ourselves while still being present in our lives?

The interesting part is, now that this person has decided to come back to the life they left behind, they fear the loss of who they discovered in themselves while off the bus.  The glow they felt while off the bus is a distant memory and being a part of the day in and day out exsistence with others who are struggling is a challenge. 

It made me think that "getting off the bus" does not help you move forward but stops you at one corner with the same backpack you got on with.

Asthma

My asthma has been getting worse.  Since last summer I have been tired and wheezing.  I started to think I should take up smoking since I was wheezing anyway and then I could at least lose weight.  Instead I listened to the suggestion of a friend and started using my inhalers (which I have a love hate relationship with).  It did make the asthma symptoms better but not perfect and I still have bouts of difficulty sucking air...and I am still tired which doesn't help with the work out.  A vicious circle.

What does this all have to do with the book "Blink"?

They did a study of doctors, dividing them into 2 groups.  Those who had never been sued and those who had been sued at least 2 times.  Trying to discover what made some doctors get sued and others avoid this issue.  After researching their backgrounds they eliminated the idea of good doctor/bad doctor.  There were some of both in the sued group and the not sued group.  After observing, interviewing and reading everything about this group they found that if a patient loved his doctor...he would not sue.  In the case of one woman miss diagnosed breast cancer she wanted to sue the surgeon.  Her laywer told her in fact the mistake most likely was that of the radiologist.  She responded, "no way was she going to sue the radiologist, she loved him...he was the best doctor...she wanted to sue that a-hole surgeon!"

The next step was to have both sets of doctor read aloud while being taped.  Then they took the wording off the tape so that all a person heard was garble.  A second independent group was brought it and listened to the garble and based on what they heard using the thin slicing ability marked which garble came from a doctor in the sued or non sued group. Remarkably just listening to the garble they picked out the sued doctors accurately.  If people paid attention to their thin slicing unconscious they would make better choices of doctors.  And if doctos knew what would keep them out of the courthouse they would change their behavior.

Back to my asthma.  I had an appointment with Dr. Harless for total evaluation of my lung status.  Yes, I do have asthma.  I could barely pay attention to all that he was saying because having the Thin Slicing info fresh in my brain I was observing his every behavior.  I love this doctor...I would never sue him...he listened to me...he had the perfect body language and he wanted to figure out "together" what was the best game plan.  I never felt rushed, he was on time and he made eye contact. 

I bet he would have the best garbel.

Thin Slicing

I am reading this fascinating book.  And although I am only a third of the way into the book I am blown away by the content.  I like Gladwell's way of writing, the information he gives is simple yet surprising...the kind of information that when you read it...you say..."get out, no way, shutup, not for real!"

The idea of thin slicing, that which occurs in the unconscious brain and moves us to certain actions or decisions, without any conscious thought...that which happens in the blink of an eye, is compelling.  Some of us are better at listening when the thin slicing occurs...some thin slicing is not positive.

For me...it is the kind of book I will not put down till I am done.  I know that thin slicing is strong in my family, boy that had a ring of star wars in it! LOL

This morning I was telling Greg about thin slicing...I was 23 years old working at my desk in the court house, I look up and there were 2 young men walking in together.  Both tall and fair. In the blink of an eye...I saw that guy.  Of the two, I knew "that" guy was going to ask me out.  Thin Slicing.  I didn't give the other guy a moments thought.  The thin slicing was so profound that I told the women seated next to me "that" guy is going to ask me out in the next 30 days...30 mintues later he asked me out...so I guess my thin slicing was not perfect.  But I was aware on an intuitive level that somehow he would change my life.  Now some people would look at this as a romantic story when in fact it was thin slicing. 

The new speed dating concept is based somewhat on thin slicing.  Can you in 3 mintues know if you want to spend some time with someone.  If you know what you need and want, are their subtle signs that are given off from another person, below the surface which hit your unconscious brain as the conscious brain is taking is the surface. 

I will talk more on this subject as I keep reading and learn more...May thin slicing be with you!

Rolling Stones Gather No Moss

There are people in the world who are like a rolling stone that gathers no moss.  They move across life making an imprint at break neck speed.  My mother is one of them.  She lives her life at the same speed that her brain is functioning.  The pedal to the medal.

It is bitter sweet.  On the one hand, life is exciting and always changing.  On the other hand you miss interactions because of the speed with which they move in and out of your sphere.  You laugh at the spontanity in which they live and it is exciting like when some releases a balloon full of confetti. 

I know having lived in the lime light of a woman such as her that I am in awe and at the same time left longing.  I have learned to love the spirit which moves her and am thankful to be of the same gene pool.  I look around my home and feel the warmth of all the orchids and wish she could relax in the moment, recieve the love and be at peace with all those who want to love her.

Mama Mia 2

In our lives there are relationships that challange us, whether it be with a parent, a sibling or a friend.  For me it has been with mom.  I can see all the pot holes that we both have had to step in, step around or jump over.  I can cry over the pain and laugh at many of the memories.  I see the obstacles that were placed before both of us by people in our lives.

We originate from 2 different cultures.  Her life went from one of privilege to one of war.  My life although as a child was chaotic, as far as I knew...it was one of privilege.  My mother was a hard worker, working outside the home her entire life.  She never felt sorry for herself, always denied any heart ache or depression over what life dishes out.  In her world, you get up, you go to work, you come home, feed your family, go to bed, get up go to work...on and on.  In my world I get up, think about how I feel, go to work, think about how I feel, come home, think about how I feel, feed the family, think about how I feel, go to bed and think about how I feel...on and on...

Our parents believed they did good by us if there was a roof over our heads and food on the table.  We believe, we did good by our children if there is a roof over their heads, food on the table, if they feel good about themselves and if they are happy. 

I laugh that it has taken me until I reached my 50's and my mother within reach of her 80's to understand that she really does care about if I am happy...but in her own way. 

My house is filled with orchids.  She purchased them and drove them 13 hours so they could be in my home.  She knew that the blossoms would last during the winter months when all is cold and dreary outside. 

For sure our relationship is complicated and I am under no illusions about a sudden bolt of understanding for all things that are me...but I am beginning to see the messages that she writes between her actions that say "I love you."  And although she has not changed, I have and I see her in a clearer light.

Fake It, Fake It, Till You Make It Or Is It, Believe It, Till You Make It...

I think a good tool to use when life is not going the way you want it too...is, fake it.  I don't mean this is a disceptive way but in a way that can move you to the solution or results.

If there are times when I am frustrated with people in my life and I say in my brain...I absolutely love this person...it is in a way faking the emotions in the moment, but it moves me out of the frustrated state.  Fake it, fake it, till you make it...

It has a variety of meanings...my dog is absolutely the smartest, sweetest dog...so if he makes a mistake, I don't look at him and say...you stupid dog...I say you are soooo smart and you know better and right before my eyes he will be absolutely the smartest, sweetest dog.

Sometimes believing it can move what you are feeling from believing into reality.  I think I live in the most perfect place and, wow...it is the perfect place...I don't see the flaws.  When I came home with my girlfriends I didn't have the least reservation of taking them upstairs because I believed Greg would have made the bed when he got up because I believe he is that kind of considerate guy...or maybe he is that considerate guy and so I can believe the bed was made???  Chicken or the egg...wow

The View

A friend sent me this story which made Greg and I laugh out loud so hard we got tears in our eyes...so here it goes...

I was walking past the mental hospital the other day,

And all the patients were shouting, '13....13.....13.'

The fence was too high to see over, but I saw a

Little gap in the planks, so I looked through to see

What was going on.....

Some idiot poked me in the eye with a stick!

Then they all started shouting '14.....14....14'...

Some days you just can't help yourself...you have to look at life on the other side of the fence.  For what ever reason it seems in your own mind that everyone else has it better...their marriage is perfect, they seem to have a fountain of youth, they can eat anything without gaining weight, for them money is no object...when in reality, if you really knew what was going on it would be like a poke in the eye with a sharp stick.

Staying focused on your own life is the only way to live.  Looking across the street, next door or through a knot hole is only an illusion...and you could be number 15...15...15

Hoop Dancing

Recently I have felt like I was hoop dancing.  No, I was not graceful nor did I have any rhythm.  So many times in life we are required to jump through the hoops.  It seems that as we get more desperate, whether it be because of job loss, need for approval or a requirement of survival within the system we live and work...we start adding more and more hoops to jump through.

To "be" in society you must swing "some" hoops.  It is better if we can interact without aggression...to be able to make relationships that are healthy...to share our support with others.  But there will be times when you have to make a choice.  Do I swing one more hoop or do I keep taking on more hoops to jump through.

I always thought hoop dancing looked beautiful and fun.  Once I connect it to life choices there are limits!  I have the hoop of family, dog, friends and career...4 precious hoops that I am willing to life dance with...in my mind I am beautiful while I dance!

Recently someone tried to give me one of their hoops and in my brain I thought @#$%^.  What to do, how can I maintain my balance with the hoops that I want to dance with and not take on the hoops that others want to give me because they take every hoop given to them. 

YOU JUST SAY NO.

Now, they tried to give me a little shame for saying NO. But when you have 4 of the best hoops around, it is easy to push the shame back and say, "NO."

Rejecting a hoop that is not good for you...feels so awesome!

Lions and Tigers and Mom, Oh My!!!

I am fascinated by the fact of the knowledge that my mother is coming to town can send me into a tizzy.  I hate the idea...because on some level I wonder if my own children feel the same way.

When I found out mom was visiting I start worrying about everything.  Is her house OK...I just checked it last week...Have I been eating too much????  Will she notice I lost 9 pounds since she last saw me???  Will she be happy???  Am I living up to her dream of the perfect daughter???  Did I accomplish all that she wants???  Is she proud of me????

Lions, and tiger and mom...oh my...

Then...she postpones her arrival till Friday...ahhhh...can relax another day and then...will she be happy, will she be proud of me...

I think I need to see the Wizard...