Bah Humbug

I can't seem to do it...get into the holiday spirit.  It is not my time.  Yesterday on the way back from Portland we saw many cars laden with freshly cut Christmas trees.  We entertained ourselves with critical banter about the choices that people made...but I couldn't fathom going out and getting a tree in what is the month of November!

I know some people have the gift of merriment when ever they chose.  Me...I need to feel the love...when it comes to Christmas.  When I look outside and it is was an absolutely beautiful sunrise, clear blue skies and no snow on the ground...well...I don't feel like Christmas.  I don't feel like Margarita time either...it is the inbetween time.

I just saw 2 runners go down the street...I think that's what I will do this morning.  I will take Enzo and we will make tracks, enjoying the fall day and kick down a few Christmas lawn ornaments who make snide remarks as we shuffel by...they are like people who show up to a party 2 hours early.

Service Dog

I am back home reflecting on what a great time Greg and I had.  Here are some of the highlights.  The drive over was a piece of cake...no studs needed but we did wear ours down a little on dry pavement.  Our Amaya woke up ill on Thanksgiving Day so she and her daddy had to lounge around the hotel room while the rest of the family went to Peter and Sarah's for a wonderful time.  The food was fabulous and the company even better.

Peter and Sarah opened their home and hearts to us all and it shows you do not need a large dining room with gold gilded lined plates and crystal glassware to have the best Thanksgiving ever.  Although we missed Becky (Sarah's sister) she did make her fabulous stuffing and so the pain of her not being there was soothed by stuffing.  Byron was a hoot, entertaining Erin and then giving us a reading of the Thanksgiving story.  Enzo loves Byron.

I could go on and on and on about every detail of the day but, I know if you were there you know what I am talking about and if you weren't...well, I'm sorry for your loss.

I want to get to the part of this narrative that has to do with my "service dog."  Enzo I have discovered is a service dog!!!!  I have bored some friends with his absolutely adorable personality and how really perfect he is...and he was very good at Thanksgiving dinner...mostly staying on his "spot" when told.  On Black Friday, Greg decided he wanted to go to Dick's which was across the parking lot from where we were staying.  Enzo's trainer had told me in class #2 that there is no excuse for not training on a daily basis just because of the weather.  In Bend, you can take a dog walking inside of Lowe's, Home Depot and Outdoor Outfitters.  I figure Dick's is the same as Outdoor Outfitters.  So, here we are at Washington Square Mall heading into Dick's.  I figured if they didn't allow dogs they would tell me.

Entering the store the "greeter" said welcome without batting an eye as I walked passed with Enzo.  As I walked around (for 15 mintues)I was asked if I needed help. No one said dogs are not allowed. Then, I was seated in the shoe area and the clerk there came up and asked me if he was a service dog.  Dang!  I didn't think fast enough which is unusal for me...and said no.  He then proceeded to tell me it was a state law that dogs were not allowed in stores unless they were service dogs. So we said thank you and left.  It was later that I thought...HE IS A SERVICE DOG!  and if I had been quick with my brain cells...I would have said, "Yes, he is a service dog, he prevents me from spending money that I don't need too!"  Because in actuality his presents with me caused the man to tell us to leave before I could have purchased shoes I didn't need! 

WOW!  I can't wait till class #3 when I can tell the trainer how smart Enzo really is!

I am acutally considering sewing a backpack for him that says "consumer service dog" and carries your credit cards and wallet...and every time you try to get them out he runs away from you!

Happy Thanksgiving

I am for the second year in a row heading towards Portland.  I don't have to catch my own turkey!  It is easy to be thankful for the list of things we always say...health, family, job, home. But I am also thankful to those who challenge me each day to more clearly define who I am and who I want to be.

I am also thankful to those who make the rules in my job.  I can see more clearly by their choices what mine are.

I am thankful to the man who stands on the corner begging for help...for he challanges me to think about what I really need as opposed to what I want.

I am thankful to Enzo as he is teaching me patients.

I am thankful to those who have opened their home today to extra guest because they live the true meaning of acceptance.

I am grateful for sons who are now my teachers, because I can accept that I do not know everything and can learn from others.

I am grateful for those who have taken a chance to be in relationship.

Happy Thanksgiving

Junkie

I was drowning in mail.  I think I must have been a stamp in my former life because in this life, mail is the bane of my exsistence!  I have tried all kinds of methods to deal with it, the most recent being a nice wicker basket on top of the dryer.  From my garage I walk through my laundry room to enter the house.  I thought how perfect.  The recycle bin is near my garage door and I could toss unwanted mail right away.  Then important mail would be deposited in the cute basket on top of the dryer.

Well it worked through the first half of the year.  The economy sucked so the junk mail was waaaaaay down.  But for the last three months it has been slowly climbing.  Which results for me a mountain of mail.  As I get more stressed about the mail, I will begin pulling the bills out (I hope) pay those and toss the rest of the mail in the basket.  The result are piles, the basket was over flowing so I had to add a couple of grocery bags.  I can't just throw things in the recycle bin...I have to tear the parts that has my name and shred them.  I can be nuts.

After letting it grow for 3 months it requires a system and about 1 1/2 hours.  The mail get piled on the table (I had to clear the table 3 times to get through it all) in the paper bags go the recycled paper that does not have my name.  The papers on the floor all have our names on them and are to be shred.  I have a small pile that are bills or things that need to be dealt with and a bigger pile of paper that need to be filed.

I found my AAA cards in the pile, I had paid that bill in Sept and they sent new cards...of course I had no idea because they were buried on the dryer.  Now I can actually clean the lint trap on my dryer! 

Mail would be more fun if you actually got letters from real people on pretty stationary...or if someone would send you money.  Or Ed McMahon would tell you that you won...but I think he died so maybe I wouldn't want to win anything from him.

Love GPS

When it comes to love and family it is better to go manual than electronic.  What I mean by that is, if you pay attention to all the instructions and detail that are required to use an electronic GPS you can still end up lost.  Sometimes it is better to remember the simple things, 2 real people.

Another couple from Alabama got lost on the same road that the family from San Francisco did a couple of years ago in which the father died searching for a way out.  This recent couple used their car GPS.

Greg and I were talking about our move to Oregon.  Oct. 31, 1988 Greg is escorted out of work at 5 PM with his final paycheck.  No notice, no party, no severcence package...a new company had just taken over his and the Vice-President was let go.  Arrives home to his family, wife, 8 yr old son and 5 month old son.  Next day, I high tail it to the hospital and get my job back ( I had quit to be a stay at home mother) and Greg with little time to feel any shock, is now home schooling the 8 yrs old while taking care of the 5 month old. In the first week, we had made the decision to move. I took a 5 day trip around the Pacific Northwest with a 5 month old baby trying to decide where I wanted to move because Greg's first and only choice was Bend and well...mine was anywhere but Bend.  I came back secure at least for the moment that Bend was the logical place.  So in less than two months from "don't let the door hit you in the ass on the way out" we had decided where to move. Greg had made a trip with a friend to Bend and secured a rental for us to live (Sisters. I found a job in Redmond.  We had sold our house, packed up 8 years of living in our little farm house, said good bye to family and friends...arriving in the snow covered landscape on Dec. 26th.

In less than two months our lives had changed...but, how did this all fall into place...manual  GPS.  In retrospect, we knew one thing, being apart never was a consideration.  Without that huge elephant in the room our total focus was how to move a family forward.  Manual GPS takes two people, one to drive...one to provide direction.  Our "togetherness" was a given, no discussion, no...what is best for me...no "my needs or wants."  By leaving this one item out of the picture we provided ourselves with the "strength in numbers" concept.  We could see ahead clearer because it always included all of us...no if and or buts.

Dr. Enzo Ferrari

I think my dog has a degree is happiness.  I will start calling him Dr. Enzo.  There is something about dogs...they make you laugh, they listen to every word you say...as long as it doesn't include the word, NO.

I think as children we were like dogs and then we grew up understanding and seeing all the supposed difficulties of life.  If only we could hang on to that joy that every dog has for the simple things...like a pat on the head or fresh fallen snow.

Who else is blissfully asleep with their head on your feet...dreaming that it is the best smell they have ever taken in?  Who else wants to be in conversation with you while you are taking a poop. When you leave the house who else will lie his head on your dirty clothes waiting for you to return.

They say a dog loves you more than they love themselves...I believe it, and if you listen they will tell you the secret to happiness is to find joy in the simple things.

I'm Getting Closer...I Can Hear It

I have been pondering the idea of "taking care of myself" for the last week.  It is a common topic of women's books and magazines.  Every talk show features ways to take care of yourself. 

With each discussion I have had, I get a clear picture of what that means for me and possibly what that can mean for you.

We are drowning in informations on ways to take care of ourselves.  Massages, pedicures, meditation, yoga, excercise, eating well and taking time out.  But as a dear friend said to me, "I feel better at the moment, but once that moment is passed I feel the same, like it was just a bandaid."

I think that all the ways we are told to take care of ourselves...is external. There are those who use shopping, drinking, drugs and gambling to try to feel something...the extreme of taking care of themselves.  We go on vacation...but then we have to come home...why is none of this working?

I believe that the one way to really take care of yourself is to hear...yourself.  When I look back at 2009 it was a difficult year for me...because I was not listening to my own voice.  I heard the world's voice of what I should be doing, I heard my mother's judgement, I heard the voice of my employer...but none of them were mine.  None told me my truth.  We tend to have a list of needs/voices in life and, ours are at the bottom.  Most days we never get to them.  We take care of parents, children, friends, employers...we don't want to be dissapointing to anyone, we want to protect everyone else's feelings but our own.  I know one person who takes care of everyone else...always...and when her soul is empty...she blows.  Like a pressure cooker.  But it doesn't make her feel better, she feel worse...then she has to explain and apologize for the outburst...all because she never heard her own voice...that little whisper that is looking out for her best interest.

So as I clarify it in my own brain...the voice is the one that when asked to do something, be something or want something...gives you the answer right away...listen to that voice.  That voice is the one expressing your real needs. It is not a selfish voice, but the one that teaches you if you listen, that saying no is not mean.  That is the voice that is the "taking care of you" voice.  But, it is the voice that we usually ignore by listening to the conscious brain that has a file of guilt, have toos, shoulds and you don't want to disappoint or hurt anyone.

I know that voice.  I know I am listening to that voice when I have heard it, responded too it and live my life by it...because I feel peaceful and proud.  I know when I am in trouble when I start trying to make myself feel better by using extermal means and still feel lousy.

PS.  The sculpture above was done by artist Miguel Reynel

Yo-Yo or Your On Your Own

The generation that was born in the 1970's, 1980's and 1990's is referred now as the "me generation."  There was a time that the boomer generation was referred as the "me generation" but it was only a false label.  The boomers didn't discovered the "me" until young adulthood.  They were raised by teachers in dresses and suits and parents who didn't take any lip.  Even in young adulthood when they were involved with independent, in your face kind of behavior...it was always in a group.  Group protest, marches, yoga...you name it we were all about the group. 

The real "me generation" was born after 1970.  They were raised to be aware of self, before group.  From birth, we made sure our children were special as if by giving them this gift they will always be happy.  Sure, our children and grandchildren are special to us...but joe blow down the block could care less how special your little johnny is.  In fact he believes he is raising  children that are even more special...and that is where the feet meet the pavement.  The "me generation" is the "most confident, assertive and entitled - and more miserable that ever before." 

Once our children were born we wanted them to be even more sure of themselves.  Different types of education were developed so that parents could seek the perfect fit for their truly exceptional child.  Stickers were give out just because you remembered to give your parents a note.  Cartoons and books were written in the frame of "me" and "I."  Our children grew up with us fighting the battle of self esteem, for them.

For us, "Families could achieve middle class status on the earnings of one high school educated person, it now takes the earnings of two college educated people to achieve the same standard of living."  Yet, we raised our children to believe that if they picked the profession they loved...the money would come.  Now, in these economic times there are a whole lot of people who wish...as the knight in Indiana Jones said..."chose wisely."  There a now a whole generation of confident, assertive and entitled people out there...who must now figure out how to create their own lives.  I met a young man who I hadn't seen in a while.  He works as a driver for UPS and being low man on the totem  pole he would be the one they laid off...but unlike many in the "me generation" he chose to work what ever shift he could...split shift, in the middle of the night shift...but he is working...and he confident, assertive...but you know, he dropped the entitlement.  Maybe that is where the key lies...in the Yo-Yo...your on your own...you are not entitled. 

We loved our children.  We would do anything for our sons.  And we made some mistakes in parenting that we wish we could have been given a do-over. 

But, I believe they have a chance for a good life because we also gave them these lessons...in between the enabling.

If there is not a lot of blood, don't come whinning.

Yes, your teacher is a jerk...but someday you might have a boss who is a jerk...so work with it.

Hey, you come from a family tree of hard workers.

and a whole lot of...

WOW, what a bummer for you....

Get Off The Bus

I ran into someone at work who I hadn't seen in quite a while.  As we talked and caught up on what they had been up too...I find out they got off the bus.  That is the bus of life, family, responsibility, have toos, should haves, gotta do's.

After a life time of taking care of the family, meeting the responsibility and stepping up to the plate...they got off the bus.  Took a 6 month leave of absence from the life they knew, headed towards a 24-7 vacation in another country and got to know themselves again.

This is a dramatic step.  Although I do not know the details of the family life they led, I imagine a choice like this did not come without pain.  In our conversation the idea of "taking care" of themselves came up. Weird, because that has been the topic of someone close to me.  I wondered why it took such a dramatic step to take care of themselves?  How do we let our lives get to the point where there is no other choice but to get off the bus.  Can't we stay on the bus and take in the scenery?  Isn't it better for everyone if we can figure out how to take care of ourselves while still being present in our lives?

The interesting part is, now that this person has decided to come back to the life they left behind, they fear the loss of who they discovered in themselves while off the bus.  The glow they felt while off the bus is a distant memory and being a part of the day in and day out exsistence with others who are struggling is a challenge. 

It made me think that "getting off the bus" does not help you move forward but stops you at one corner with the same backpack you got on with.

Asthma

My asthma has been getting worse.  Since last summer I have been tired and wheezing.  I started to think I should take up smoking since I was wheezing anyway and then I could at least lose weight.  Instead I listened to the suggestion of a friend and started using my inhalers (which I have a love hate relationship with).  It did make the asthma symptoms better but not perfect and I still have bouts of difficulty sucking air...and I am still tired which doesn't help with the work out.  A vicious circle.

What does this all have to do with the book "Blink"?

They did a study of doctors, dividing them into 2 groups.  Those who had never been sued and those who had been sued at least 2 times.  Trying to discover what made some doctors get sued and others avoid this issue.  After researching their backgrounds they eliminated the idea of good doctor/bad doctor.  There were some of both in the sued group and the not sued group.  After observing, interviewing and reading everything about this group they found that if a patient loved his doctor...he would not sue.  In the case of one woman miss diagnosed breast cancer she wanted to sue the surgeon.  Her laywer told her in fact the mistake most likely was that of the radiologist.  She responded, "no way was she going to sue the radiologist, she loved him...he was the best doctor...she wanted to sue that a-hole surgeon!"

The next step was to have both sets of doctor read aloud while being taped.  Then they took the wording off the tape so that all a person heard was garble.  A second independent group was brought it and listened to the garble and based on what they heard using the thin slicing ability marked which garble came from a doctor in the sued or non sued group. Remarkably just listening to the garble they picked out the sued doctors accurately.  If people paid attention to their thin slicing unconscious they would make better choices of doctors.  And if doctos knew what would keep them out of the courthouse they would change their behavior.

Back to my asthma.  I had an appointment with Dr. Harless for total evaluation of my lung status.  Yes, I do have asthma.  I could barely pay attention to all that he was saying because having the Thin Slicing info fresh in my brain I was observing his every behavior.  I love this doctor...I would never sue him...he listened to me...he had the perfect body language and he wanted to figure out "together" what was the best game plan.  I never felt rushed, he was on time and he made eye contact. 

I bet he would have the best garbel.

Thin Slicing

I am reading this fascinating book.  And although I am only a third of the way into the book I am blown away by the content.  I like Gladwell's way of writing, the information he gives is simple yet surprising...the kind of information that when you read it...you say..."get out, no way, shutup, not for real!"

The idea of thin slicing, that which occurs in the unconscious brain and moves us to certain actions or decisions, without any conscious thought...that which happens in the blink of an eye, is compelling.  Some of us are better at listening when the thin slicing occurs...some thin slicing is not positive.

For me...it is the kind of book I will not put down till I am done.  I know that thin slicing is strong in my family, boy that had a ring of star wars in it! LOL

This morning I was telling Greg about thin slicing...I was 23 years old working at my desk in the court house, I look up and there were 2 young men walking in together.  Both tall and fair. In the blink of an eye...I saw that guy.  Of the two, I knew "that" guy was going to ask me out.  Thin Slicing.  I didn't give the other guy a moments thought.  The thin slicing was so profound that I told the women seated next to me "that" guy is going to ask me out in the next 30 days...30 mintues later he asked me out...so I guess my thin slicing was not perfect.  But I was aware on an intuitive level that somehow he would change my life.  Now some people would look at this as a romantic story when in fact it was thin slicing. 

The new speed dating concept is based somewhat on thin slicing.  Can you in 3 mintues know if you want to spend some time with someone.  If you know what you need and want, are their subtle signs that are given off from another person, below the surface which hit your unconscious brain as the conscious brain is taking is the surface. 

I will talk more on this subject as I keep reading and learn more...May thin slicing be with you!

Rolling Stones Gather No Moss

There are people in the world who are like a rolling stone that gathers no moss.  They move across life making an imprint at break neck speed.  My mother is one of them.  She lives her life at the same speed that her brain is functioning.  The pedal to the medal.

It is bitter sweet.  On the one hand, life is exciting and always changing.  On the other hand you miss interactions because of the speed with which they move in and out of your sphere.  You laugh at the spontanity in which they live and it is exciting like when some releases a balloon full of confetti. 

I know having lived in the lime light of a woman such as her that I am in awe and at the same time left longing.  I have learned to love the spirit which moves her and am thankful to be of the same gene pool.  I look around my home and feel the warmth of all the orchids and wish she could relax in the moment, recieve the love and be at peace with all those who want to love her.

Mama Mia 2

In our lives there are relationships that challange us, whether it be with a parent, a sibling or a friend.  For me it has been with mom.  I can see all the pot holes that we both have had to step in, step around or jump over.  I can cry over the pain and laugh at many of the memories.  I see the obstacles that were placed before both of us by people in our lives.

We originate from 2 different cultures.  Her life went from one of privilege to one of war.  My life although as a child was chaotic, as far as I knew...it was one of privilege.  My mother was a hard worker, working outside the home her entire life.  She never felt sorry for herself, always denied any heart ache or depression over what life dishes out.  In her world, you get up, you go to work, you come home, feed your family, go to bed, get up go to work...on and on.  In my world I get up, think about how I feel, go to work, think about how I feel, come home, think about how I feel, feed the family, think about how I feel, go to bed and think about how I feel...on and on...

Our parents believed they did good by us if there was a roof over our heads and food on the table.  We believe, we did good by our children if there is a roof over their heads, food on the table, if they feel good about themselves and if they are happy. 

I laugh that it has taken me until I reached my 50's and my mother within reach of her 80's to understand that she really does care about if I am happy...but in her own way. 

My house is filled with orchids.  She purchased them and drove them 13 hours so they could be in my home.  She knew that the blossoms would last during the winter months when all is cold and dreary outside. 

For sure our relationship is complicated and I am under no illusions about a sudden bolt of understanding for all things that are me...but I am beginning to see the messages that she writes between her actions that say "I love you."  And although she has not changed, I have and I see her in a clearer light.

Fake It, Fake It, Till You Make It Or Is It, Believe It, Till You Make It...

I think a good tool to use when life is not going the way you want it too...is, fake it.  I don't mean this is a disceptive way but in a way that can move you to the solution or results.

If there are times when I am frustrated with people in my life and I say in my brain...I absolutely love this person...it is in a way faking the emotions in the moment, but it moves me out of the frustrated state.  Fake it, fake it, till you make it...

It has a variety of meanings...my dog is absolutely the smartest, sweetest dog...so if he makes a mistake, I don't look at him and say...you stupid dog...I say you are soooo smart and you know better and right before my eyes he will be absolutely the smartest, sweetest dog.

Sometimes believing it can move what you are feeling from believing into reality.  I think I live in the most perfect place and, wow...it is the perfect place...I don't see the flaws.  When I came home with my girlfriends I didn't have the least reservation of taking them upstairs because I believed Greg would have made the bed when he got up because I believe he is that kind of considerate guy...or maybe he is that considerate guy and so I can believe the bed was made???  Chicken or the egg...wow

The View

A friend sent me this story which made Greg and I laugh out loud so hard we got tears in our eyes...so here it goes...

I was walking past the mental hospital the other day,

And all the patients were shouting, '13....13.....13.'

The fence was too high to see over, but I saw a

Little gap in the planks, so I looked through to see

What was going on.....

Some idiot poked me in the eye with a stick!

Then they all started shouting '14.....14....14'...

Some days you just can't help yourself...you have to look at life on the other side of the fence.  For what ever reason it seems in your own mind that everyone else has it better...their marriage is perfect, they seem to have a fountain of youth, they can eat anything without gaining weight, for them money is no object...when in reality, if you really knew what was going on it would be like a poke in the eye with a sharp stick.

Staying focused on your own life is the only way to live.  Looking across the street, next door or through a knot hole is only an illusion...and you could be number 15...15...15

Hoop Dancing

Recently I have felt like I was hoop dancing.  No, I was not graceful nor did I have any rhythm.  So many times in life we are required to jump through the hoops.  It seems that as we get more desperate, whether it be because of job loss, need for approval or a requirement of survival within the system we live and work...we start adding more and more hoops to jump through.

To "be" in society you must swing "some" hoops.  It is better if we can interact without aggression...to be able to make relationships that are healthy...to share our support with others.  But there will be times when you have to make a choice.  Do I swing one more hoop or do I keep taking on more hoops to jump through.

I always thought hoop dancing looked beautiful and fun.  Once I connect it to life choices there are limits!  I have the hoop of family, dog, friends and career...4 precious hoops that I am willing to life dance with...in my mind I am beautiful while I dance!

Recently someone tried to give me one of their hoops and in my brain I thought @#$%^.  What to do, how can I maintain my balance with the hoops that I want to dance with and not take on the hoops that others want to give me because they take every hoop given to them. 

YOU JUST SAY NO.

Now, they tried to give me a little shame for saying NO. But when you have 4 of the best hoops around, it is easy to push the shame back and say, "NO."

Rejecting a hoop that is not good for you...feels so awesome!

Lions and Tigers and Mom, Oh My!!!

I am fascinated by the fact of the knowledge that my mother is coming to town can send me into a tizzy.  I hate the idea...because on some level I wonder if my own children feel the same way.

When I found out mom was visiting I start worrying about everything.  Is her house OK...I just checked it last week...Have I been eating too much????  Will she notice I lost 9 pounds since she last saw me???  Will she be happy???  Am I living up to her dream of the perfect daughter???  Did I accomplish all that she wants???  Is she proud of me????

Lions, and tiger and mom...oh my...

Then...she postpones her arrival till Friday...ahhhh...can relax another day and then...will she be happy, will she be proud of me...

I think I need to see the Wizard...

Lots of Day Dreaming

I finally bucked up and took my lap top into DSI.  I had been sweet talking it, patting it on the top, propping it with books to give it more air circulation without any improvement.  Yesterday I took it down, gave them my best "withdrawal" symptoms look and asked...whaaaaa, how long do you think it will take????  A beautiful glow appeared behind his head and I actually heard music when he said..."should get it done today."

At 5:00 I went back to pick up my "baby" and found out that they were still running programs and it would be better if I came back the next morning...not wanting to show them my best tantrum, I cheerily said that I would be back when they opened.

It is easy to get dependent and when our tools are taken away...we are lost.  I have a pattern to my day, I check my e-mail several times a day...if I am depressed I play Hexic for 20 mintues...if I am nervous about money I look at my bank accounts...all this tasks ground me and without them...I wander around trying to figure out what to do next.

When Greg got home I cried, "look no lap top on the kitchen table." and then patted the site where it normally sat.  This is not good.  I am not as fond of the PC because there is no view out the window where it's set up.

This morning I decided that the lap top should not be on the table all the time.  That when I want to use it I'll bring it out.  I am bored with Hexic which means I am not depressed.  As for email, I'll do what my sister does...checks it twice a day.  Looking at my online banking has not increased my bank account one penny!  I'll day dream more...but first I am going to be there right when they open with my nose pressed against their window!

E-Books

For my birthday this year Greg gave me an E-Book.  I had been researching the market trying to decide...realizing that I don't need one but do I want one?  

So the list began...I love to read...I love the written word...I love listening to book on CD...I just plain enjoy the way my brain is engaged as it is taking in new thoughts. The way the words tap into my emotions and the shear entertainment.  Over the years I have evolved as a reader.  Drowning myself in different genre, judging authors, loving some and discarding others.

Due to what I believe was my destiny because of the gene pool I swam out of...I can have several different books going at the same time.  Currently I am reading, Dean Kootnz's book about his own dog Trixie and  a book about Calla Lily Ponder.  In my sewing room I am listening to "Eat, Pray, Love"...in the kitchen "The Spectrum" and in the car "Atlas Shrugged."  This may make some people crazy but for me, it was the way I was brought up.  My dad was alway reading in the family room before anyone was awake and before the first light.  My mother, god bless her pee pickin heart will be found someday buried under the shear weight of all the reading material surrounding her bed and she has a small library filled with books that she has not been able to let go of.

So did I really need an E-reader?  I am a collector of books, I love the feel and smell of a new book.  I am also a regular patron of the library.  BUT...it is a fact that when traveling I have been known to lug several books, which is a weight issue.  And if overseas it can be difficult to find an english language book in a genre you would like to read.  In hotels, airports and train stations you will find discarded books as people leave behind a finished book.  More often than not it isn't one that I want to read.  For me, choosing a book to read requires knowing what frame of mind I am in at that moment, what I am eating and if I feel fictionie or non fictionie (not a real word).

This past Sunday the newpaper had an article on the holiday test of e-book sales. They said that the estimates of e-book sales account for only 1.5 percent of all books.  Which is higher than anticipated.  Paperback book sales has declined by 9% and hardback books12%.  With Amazon's release of the Kindle e-book, e-book purchases are the only area where there is any increase.

After discussion with a friend's daughter who did a paper on comparison of Amazon and Sony e-book I decided Sony was for me...then I found out I could get it in red!  And it is according to the article...sexy.  Yes, as quoted in the AP article..."a man sitting in a bar reading a book...looks lonely.  A man sitting is a bar reading an e-book makes the magic happen.  If you want to meet a girl, don't get a dog...get an e-reader."  Of course that doesn't nothing for me...but my red e-reader makes me smile, I carry several books in one small slimline cover, doesn't strain my eyes and makes me think it is so much like a real book page that I keep trying to turn the page in the traditional way. I use it when reading in bed because it is light weight and has a light, carry it when I have lots of appointments (I am not longer inpatient at the doctors office) and when I travel.  It is another alternative to an ever changing world.

Close Encounters Of The Third Kind

It is a new world and we are being taken over in a way we don't even have a clue.  Technology.  I know I have whined about this before but, isn't that what conspiracy theorist do...run around, warn every one, looking intense and concerned.  Although Chicken Little was the first conspiracy theorist and they made fun of him...did he not have a book and movie made showing that what he was saying was true!

Close encounters of the third kind is defined as alien face to face contact.  We had 3 in our house yesterday...TWICE! 

I shared before that Greg and I decided a while ago that our relationship had evolved beyond the need to fret over what gift to give each other at Christmas.  Christmas is a time to enjoy the sights, sounds and relationships in life...not to spend huge amounts of time...first, trying to pick up on all the clues of what someone might want for Christmas, then wading through the hoards of other shoppers who are going in debt...to be paid off the following year until the next holiday is reached.  At least that is what seemed to have happened when we reached our 50's.  So, now we put our heads together in romantic conversation, pool our resources and decided what we want to get ourselves for Christmas.  On Christmas morning the only surprises are what we stuffed into our Christmas stockings and what we are going to have for breakfast.

This year the conversation was resolved in about 2 talks as we read the sale ads in the paper.  A television we can actually see...and one that we can get netflicks to watch the instant play...eat your heart out Connor!!!!!!! 


Sure it is not Christmas yet...but I have never been one who could wait and have been known to lightly peel tape off of packages to see what was in them.

Back to close encounters of the third kind...Best Buy is a intake center for aliens...I know I sound crazy but I am warning you.  In order to check out your compatibility with their invasion they send out a recon team...in the guise of delivering your TV.  Now these guys don't actually teach you how to use it...they just hook it up to the cable and hand you a control and leave...nooooo....afterall they are only recon.  The next day comes the team who starts breaking down your defenses.  Best Buy sent out 3...yes, 3 team members to program and teach us how to use the TV. 

Now these aliens talk fast to undermine your self esteem in processing information.  The leader looked at us and said, "I'll write it down."  The humiliating part is he had a form already printed out that he just filled in the blanks...Press TV selection to turn on the cable...Press DVD to select, Netflick, UTube, Pandora Radio or Blockbuster or just to watch a dvd...we are not the first they have encountered...there are other 50+ people out there trying to fit in with new technology and they have devised tools to make us need them.  We now had no less than 3 remotes to deal with...and each remote has about a hundred buttons. Jesus H Christ (as a girlfriend says) this isn't a space ship...or is it?  It isn't one of those huge theater systems, it's a TV that fits in the same space as the last TV, it just has a little bigger screen and can get Netflicks (eat your heart out Connor!).

As they left we were given instructions on how to load the updates to the BluRay player...so we did.  Then we went our merry way...later that afternoon upon returning home we decided to watch a Netflicks Instant Play (are you crying Connor) We couldn't get the @#$%^ thing to work.  I called the chief alien and told him whaaaaaa it won't work. He tried to talk me through it but realized that I was already losing it.  So they came back...just 2 of them this time...figured out when we did the update we needed to reconfigure our choices.  The 2 of them, the ages of my sons looked at us and said, "don't do the updates, you'll probably never use them anyway."  SLAM

This is my theory...the reason for the mass influx of adult children moving home is not to take care of their parents, eat free food, have a roof over their head they don't pay for but, to control them with their technological ability.  By the time Greg and I reach 80 and need an even bigger TV so we can see the screen we'll be begging our sons to move back home...better than the aliens from Best Buy.

Fearless

I know so many people who live in fearfulness.  But it seems women are afflicted by this malady without recognition.  It must be part of the hormonal make up or maybe females are raised with an understanding that a little fear is going to keep you safe...I really don't have a clue.

What I do know is fear on all the different levels, whether it be will he love me? Will my life be fulfilling? Will my children grow up healthy and happy? Will I be respected? Do I know what I am talking about?...is always followed by the "what if."

"Fear and what if" are pals.  They travel looking for somewhere to set up shop. Oh look, there is a woman who has everything but is spinning her wheels...I bet she is a great place to land.  We can wreak havoc in her soul...I bet by the time we are done with her, she'll be depressed and a shell of her former self! Yippeee....emotional lunch!!!!!

I am always amazed when I see a woman who is absolutely incredible in every way but lives with some silent fear.  I have been that woman.  What I can tell you is that "fear and what if" will start to chip away at your self esteem.  No matter that you are a fabulously beautiful strong woman. By the time they are done with you...you'll believe you have nothing to offer and no one could possibly think you were worth loving.

Maybe, when we are born and they put a little name band on our leg they also attach a band called "fear and what if."  It is only visible to those who have no fear and when they leave the hosptial they cut it off...maybe our mothers can't see it because at our birth "fear and what if" are hanging around with them...so when we get home, they never cut the band off...because I am sure if our mothers could see the band, they would cut if off...but more often than not, we give it to our children.  We give it to them with our own worries...they know when we are worried.  We give it to them with our rules.  We give it to them as a family legacy.  And the most ridiculous...we give it to them when we start worrying about the fact that we even have "fear and what it."  A vicious cycle. 

I spent years dragging around "fear and what if."  If I got fat, they got fatter...if I got depressed, they sewed a nice little bag so I could drag it and them around with me.  It wasn't until I accepted my failures, my short sightedness, bad luck times as allies of knowledge and not friends of "fear and what if" that I could spend more time in gratitude, joy and fearlessness. If you are not careful "regret" moves in with "fear and what if."  Over the years and with continuous work, "fear and what if" are back in a box.  Every so often they start banging to get out...now, I just tell the little shits to pipe down...I got a life to live!

As told in story when Thomas Edison lie on his death bed he said, "yeah, my life has been full of constant misery, worry and failures...most of which never happened."

That's Me In The Corner...

...that's me in the spotlight, losing my religion...that R.E.M. song is one of my favorites.  I have been doing a lot of soul searching about what skin I am the most confortable living in.  I have talked before about my childhood being raised by 2 extroverts.  Being an introvert was not a respected place to live in my family. 

To most people I am an extrovert.  I can talk to complete strangers.  I can move people to try things that are fun.  I appear to be a natural conversationalist.  But in reality I am an introvert.  Everytime I say it I get a thrill.  Because it feels right.

Given a big party and I will put forth all that is needed, but by the end I am exhausted.  I like more intimate gatherings with quiet coversation.  I love to talk to strangers, one on one...but talking in front of a large group, although I can easily perform...I am exhausted.

I have played the role of an extrovert so long that if I am with family or friends and I am quiet most are concerned that something is wrong.  In reality I am OK with being quiet.  In fact I need quiet.

Recently reading an article, "In Praise of Introverts" I had one aha moment after another.  I recognized myself and more importantly I was happy who I saw.

It's The Simple Things

I have discoverd that my sleeping issue was solved by a simple thing.  I have at different times tried, Benadryl, Tylenol PM, a shot of tequila, hot cup of Sleepy Time Tea, reading, and sex to see if I can get a really good nights sleep. None of it works for any length of time. 

The Bendryl and Tylenol, just make me groggy the next day.  The tea makes me have to get up and pee at least 3 times during the night.  The shot of tequila makes me feel like I am one step away from "Leaving Las Vegas."  Reading makes me want to keep reading.  Greg is wonderful but sex at our age every night would make me a widow.

I stumbled on my solution quite by accident.  I was in Costco roaming the isles and came upon the bed sheets.  They had a whole bunch of flannel sheets in wonderful colors.  Now I hate spending money on sheets because they are so damm expensive...especially in the king size version.  But here piled high as they only can in Costco were flannel sheets from Portugal.  I thought...winter is coming...maybe it would be cozy to sleep in flannel.  And at under $40 for a king size set of flannel sheets, in a beautiful sage green with leaves blowing around the pattern...well, I couldn't pass them up.

I was pleasantly surprised because they make me sleep soooo much better!  I love the feel of them on my skin, I am cozy all night, the color is soothing.  I love my flannel sheets.  I wonder if Greg will start getting jealous...he is really not the jealous type and he'd have to wake up to notice, because I think the flannel is working it's magic on him also!

Between Halloween and Thanksgiving...Pumpkin Spa Treatment

So what to do with the jack 'o laterns that you don't want to use in a pumpkin pie...have a pumpkin spa treatment.

Yes, in fact that's what I did yesterday.  My very favorite massage therapist has moved to a new place and is promoting some excellent spa treatments.  When she first talked to me about the pumpkin treatment it sounded fun but I was concerned that maybe I had better lose a little more weight or there might not be any pumpkin left for Costco to make pumpkin pie with!

My other reservation was that during the process you are pretty exposed...and I have always had body image issues.  So I showed up with the mantra, "what doesn't kill you makes you stronger."

First step, a total body scrub with brown sugar and olive oil...I could feel my skin getting  softer by the minute.  Once done it is wiped off with warm towels.  Then the pumpkin is painted on...all over.  Once basted on both side you are wrapped like a mummy, tight as a bug in a rug with 3 layers, the last being a thermal blanket...cucumbers are placed on your eyes and you are left to a blissful sleep dreaming of Thanksgiving dessert.  After 20 mintues (it seemed longer than that) She washes the pumpkin off and gives you a relaxation massage.  When done you get up, you wipe the last bits of pumpkin from all the nooks and crannies and your clothes go on like silk.  My skin never felt so good.

That afternoon Enzo heeled like a champ...I like to think it was the training, but he kept trying to lick my legs...guess I missed a few pumpkin smears.

For an all over theraputic massage, you can't beat her and if you are ready to walk on the wild side...she is the kindest massage therapist I know...

Diana  541-788-0787

Gift

Some days you wake up and start your routine.  Greg makes the coffee, I take the dog out and we leave for the gym.  Come home from the gym, fix breakfast, feed the dog, read the paper...and then...Greg says look out back.

Wow, a 5 point buck with the thickest neck I have seen and a doe.  The world stops, no rushing around...just a period of time where you realize that you must pay attention.  That this moment is a gift...not to be rushed but to savor.  Even Enzo realizes how special this moment is and we stand on the deck quietly watching.  No matter what we have to do today, this moment will be a piece of miracle that we carry in our hearts while we are in traffic, in line at the grocery store or paying bills...it is a Gift!

PS. you can double click on the photo and it will make it bigger.

Global Warming

When Greg and I got home from the gym this morning we discovered our freezer was not running.  In fact there was no current to that side of the garage, most likely since Tuesday when he plugged in an electric chain saw and it blew up.

The result was a mess in the freezer.  Most of the items had to be tossed...a good chunk of change into the garbage.  A few items down at the very bottom were still frozen solid and a couple of items were on their way to defrosting which means we will be cooking a large amount of food this evening.

A change in the climate and there was loss of food.  Most had to be discarded a bit salvaged.  Much like the planet.  Americans make one of the biggest footprints on the planet.  Many would like to ignore Global Warming, but there are a few simple things that can be done by each of us to save our planet for future generations. Here is a article including 10 tips on decreasing your footprint...all of this thought process started by my freezer coughing up spoiled food.  If you pay attention...you will hear the message.

10 Simple Tips

1.  Decrease your consumption of beef, pork and lamb. Instead focus your consumption on chicken, fish and eggs.  Beef's carbon footprint is 3-7 times that of chicken.  It take 3 liters of oil to produce  1 lb of beef.

2.  Eat out at restaurants less, cook at home more and waste less.  Plate waste at restaurants is the single largest source of waste...11-13% of food waste at restaurants.

3.  Eat fewer dairy products.  Dairy products are not only responsible emissions of CO2 but also of nitrous oxide and methane.  It takes 10 liters of milk are used for 1 kilogram of cheese.

4.  Drink fewer soft drinks.  Last year 200 billion beverage containers were sold, 130 billion ended up in the land fill...besides there is no nutritional value.

5.  Drink less bottled water.  Choose filtered tap water.  Producing the bottle water for the annual US consumption requires the equivalent of 17 million barrels of oil.

6.  Eat fewer package snack and junk food.  The boxes, packets and packages that contain this food account for 10-12% of the value of all food products.

7.  Eat fruits and vegatables that are in season and buy locally if possible. A typical American meal will contain food from at least 5 countries outside the United States.

8.  Walk to your local farmer's market or grocery store.  If you have to drive combine trips.  The food on a typical American table has traveled an average of 1,500 miles.

9.  Upgrade to an energy efficient refrigerator.  Your refrigerator is you largest energy sink other than your jaccuzi (if you are living large).  A refrigerator can use up to 5 times more energy than a television.

10.  Eat wild fish that are not threatened, rather than farmed fish.

If you are interested in reading this entire article it can be found at this web address.

http://www.goodguide.com/issues/2009/4/20/tips-to-reduce-your-environmental-footprint

Men Are From Mars

I know that some people get irritated with the broad generalizations about men and women.  The differences of the species...so much so that you wonder how we ended up with male/female pairing being the most common. 

As I look at this photo of my eldest son cutting onions...I not only have to laugh out loud, but I see a man who has found a practical solution to cutting onions...his snowboarding goggles.  This is the reality of man, have a problem...solve it with the simplest solution...done...finished...adios mama..no drama.

Whereas if you go in any kitchen shop, watch cooking shows, look at the numerous cooking manuals, we finds many ways to solve the onion cutting problem.  From processes, to special devices for chopping onions. 

Another case in point was the million uses of duck tape discovered by man...my friend Val's son used duck tape on his little brother and made for a nice photo shot.

Yes, as women we may shake our heads...but there is truly something hysterical about a man cutting onions with goggles on...and...even more spectacular is that the man is cooking dinner!  The acorn doesn't fall far from the tree (their dad cooks, his father cooked...and I am sure that their great grandfather must have cooked)...and as with all parents, if we listen...we learn a lot from our children.

Gotta go get Greg a pair of goggles.