Anger

Interestingly enough for some people anger is a primary emotion.  It matters not what they view, they view it through a prisim of anger.  By viewing it through a prism the anger comes through in a variety of ways.  Whether it is condensation, arrogance, or promoting one's own intelligence and self worth.

It is with sadness that you watch these individuals because so much is lost when someone views the world first through anger and then with love.  The anger chips away at what follows it and the anger survives stronger than the love.

If you approach the world with love, any anger that follows....well...it is softer.  Anger is useful in many ways but not when it colors the love...when the love colors the anger I think it might be better.

I wonder about people who are addicted to anger.  What is the purpose?  Is there something positive that occurs for them.  I watch and see...the anger seems to limited the ability to see the world outside themselves.  I wonder if anger gives you some strength that love does not.  I wonder if anger protects your heart, where love does not?  Can you carry anger and truly give love???

The Veil

Depression is like a veil.  It covers your exsistence.  Sometimes the veil protects you from the world out there...sometimes the world out there is just too much.  There are times you can only handle what is occurring in your own heart and if you see or hear anothers, it is the straw that breaks the camels back.

Depression is like the tide...moving in and out, but not predictable like the tide...coming unexpectedly.  When you have learned to live with depression you know what you need to do under the veil.  It is your own secret and you have the keys to lift the veil and feel the sun.

The worst thing is to reveal your veil to someone who has never worn one.  They usually have perky ideas about what you need.  The veil can protect you from them because there are time the veil is made of steel.  Weaving a veil made up of tools and thoughts that can protect you in time of need is as important as a GPS when you are lost in the woods.

I like those veils that are so small that they can be hidden in your heart and whipped out in a moments notice...made up of fabric that is strong and can withstand the storm within and the storm without.

HELLOOOOO?!

Do you ever feel like you are with someone and they don't have a clue what you are about and who you are, the things that are important to you...but they are supposed to be related to you?

Helloooo, remember me...I think I was important to you...at least I think I was.  I guess there are people in the world who really do not have the capacity to see others.  I am not talking about a visual frame of reference, but seeing as...I "get" you.  I know what is important to you...I want to hear what you have to say...I would like you...to be able to complete a sentence without interrupting because I know you...would really like to complete a full sentence...

Some people like to hear their own voice...and of course the content is extremely important to the survival of the human race, because of course they have the answers for world peace, marriage, child rearing, hunger, traffic, how wasteful "Americans" are about their pets....and why you don't look so good....thank you very much.

Can you tell...I have tipped over to the dark side...and have become mean in my own mind.  Oh well, I have laughed several times in the last day...better than crying.

A Tale Of One City

I have seen things that are shocking, weird, wonderful and just plain curious.  When you have no agenda you can be more observant of the world around you.  So here is a list of the events and things I have seen in a city...in another state...in our country...

1.  A brand spanking new Mercedes Benz Tour Bus...the tour as advertised in big bold script on both sides and the back...sign up now for the real estate "Foreclosure Tour."  I kid you not!

2.  I dropped a piece of dried mango in my supposedly clean hotel room.  I did not even consider Robin's 5 second rule (which Myth Busters proved wrong, drop it throw it away) It fell slightly under my bed and when I picked it up there was something stuck to it.  So, I got my glasses and saw a gray pubic hair (and for obvious reasons which I will not go into, I knew it wasn't mine)....thank god I never go barefoot in a hotel room....euwwwwww!

3.  Everyone here knows how to use their car horn.

4.  In the last few days I have seen exactly one professional bike rider...the kind with the tight colorful bike clothes.

5.  All chain restaurants were born here and there are some I have not heard of.

6.  The sweat shop labor is here, in the form of a masseuse.  The huge building advertises $29.99 for a 75 minute massage.  This company can do 1500 massages in a day and has 200 massage therapist....I am thinking therapist is used loosely and you may not be able to communicate with your masseuse.

7.  They also have a coffee shop on every  corner.  The Pacific Northwest addiction has gravitated south.

8.  Every house I walked past had a "beware of dog" sign.  I did not hear one barking dog.  Me thinketh this population is trying to fool the thief, because I also did not see any dog poop anywhere.

9.  While city workers were cleaning out a huge fountain they gathered up coins tossed in as someone's "good luck wish" and gave them to the homeless guy waiting patiently at the edge...nice.

10.  The Lucky's grocery store in this huge city is cleaner than the Albertsons and east side Safeway in Bend.

Where In The World Is Annie???

I believe that it is good to occassionaly take a look outside my little box.  When you live in a community like Bend, you forget the smells and views of the world out yonder.  Having lived in Bend for many years I can see the evolution of "culture" but just because you have a choice of Thai restuarants does not mean you have a Thai community.  I imagine statistically that the number of African Americans in Bend still number around the 2 percent...you know less calories but still taste like real milk.

If you were to look around the community I am currently staying there would be an understanding at how really different Bend still is...

As I walked down to take part in the complimentary breakfast at my motel I am presented with hard boiled eggs, belgian waffles, bagels, oatmeal, rice in a rice cooker, miso soup, seaweed....what the hey???  You know you are not in Bend.

Walking the 2-3 miles to the hosptial I rarely pass anyone walking, and if I do not one of them is caucasian.  This is a world of cars.  In 2 days I have seen 3 people on a bike...I think all the bikes moved to Bend.  Here I feel part of the masses...except I do stand out because of my Keens and that I am walking.

The hospital staff is made up of world soup. It makes me glad that my children have experienced the world outside of Bend, at the same time I am happy for that Beaver Cleaver home town life they had also because it will change.  There are those who say Bend has changed so much in the last 20 years and yes there have been changes...more shops, more social events...but the cultural changes are much slower.

PS.  the photo was taken by Nasa from space

Happy Anniversary

I have been in love with the same man for 32 years.  But in reality a marriage that survives life, does not survive by love alone.  A wonderful marriage is made up of a variety of emotions both positive and negative.  As in any recipe it takes the right balance of ingredients.  Although a marginal cook I can mix up a fun marriage...so I am sharing my recipe...for...

"Marriage Stew"

1 cup of love

1/4 cup of mystery

1 cup of compassion

1/2 of listening

2 cups of compromise

1 cup of friendship

1/4 cup lust

pinch of anger

pour in a large bowl a cup of love, beat in the 1/4 cup of mystery to create a frothy mix.  Let sit for 10 mintues before adding the cup of compassion.  Hug the bowl and fold in the 1/2 cup of listening and really hear what is happening.  When throughly heard, 2 cups of compromise can be added. The most important ingredient that makes this recipe successful or not, is the cup of friendship but the other ingredient that gives it the spicey heat is the 1/4 cup of lust which must be sprinkled in a little at a time to mix throughly with all the flavors.  Last but not least is the pinch of anger...and I mean just a pinch...because no marriage can survive without it in the mix but if it is just a pinch the recipe will still work. Place in a warm safe place and let rise, share the finished product with your children and make it a special family recipe.

As with all recipes you can alter adding and subtracting to make it your own.

Happy Anniversary Greg....I miss you....

A Couple

Here I am...parental unit #1 had a successful surgery.  I find myself sitting in a hotel in a city I do not know.  What is weird is I cannot remember ever staying in a hotel by myself, in a city I do not know.  I was alway a couple.  Whether it was husband and wife or girlfriend and girlfriend.  I have never just been me, myself and I??? in a hotel room.  

It is a strange spot.  I had to check the hotel out...referred by the surgeon as the place to stay.  I had to check out the room...not so bad.  But, what I do know is there is nothing warm and fuzzy about being in a hotel by myself.  No amount of feng shui decor, mini appliances, dozens of channels or complementary breakfast create a feeling of that you have when you are with those you love.

Hello ~ Goodbye

It is like a revolving door of emotion.  Saying hello and then goodbye in a 24 hour period.  Coming in and touching my life...my husband, my dog, my couch, my stove...my life today is bitter sweet.  Because today I say goodbye again.  Enzo is a little taller and Greg looks a little more tired...but there have been good things for them in my absence and I hope more will come.

They say distance makes the heart grow fonder...I think it just makes me lonely for the familiar touches, smells, cadences of my life.

Explosion of Emotion

Sometimes life catches me off guard.  Being a woman, wife and mother lends itself to being in charge of the details and looking down the road for obstacels.  So when you get caught off guard it can be an explosion of emotions.

Lately my decision making ability has taken a waffling characteristic...normally a "this is what I am going to do, and doing it"  kind of person... I have become like a junk yard dog who is cornered...do I go this way, or that way...do I feel this way or that way...do I bite or cry????

This weekend was supposed to be a relaxing weekend in preparation for a more stressful time in the next few weeks.  But interestingly enough the friends I was spending the weekend with had a variety of stressful events that had either occurred recently, or were occurring currently or would be occurring in the near future.  It was the perfect storm of emotion...and as a result exhausting.  We cry for ourselves, we cry for each other, we can't solve our own problems so we try to solve each others...the result was an emotional store that didn't get replenished.

But there were moments of laughter and those are the ones that I will hang on too.....

Life is a Puzzle...But Who Has The Key???

You realize that life is one giant puzzle.  Each piece is a person, event, feeling or place and how it all fits together makes up your life.  I look at life and know that the pieces I hold in my hand can make my life easier or harder.  That each piece is a meaningful part of the success or failure...and that success is not a destination but a journey.

I am aware that just because you are a nice person does not mean you know how to put together the puzzle of a happy life.  As that old title, "Why do bad things happen to good people?" the real question is why good people don't know how to put together the puzzles of their lives...

Just because you are smart or nice has no bearing on how happy your life will be...because being book smart does not mean you'll recognize that the pieces of your life puzzle do not fit together.

Once you choose the right pieces you will unlock the answers to a better life...or is it...if you have the answers you will have all the pieces to a better life????hummm