Little Boxes

Years ago, I suffered from Anxiety Disorder. This is one of those disorders that there is no pill for...sure they prescribe all kinds of meds to help you "get through" your life, but I didn't want to just survive...I wanted to live, enjoy and find out the root of this disorder. Without meds, so with conscious focus and the help of a therapist I challenged my heart, brain and soul (yes they are totally different) to find out how to eradicate anxiety from my life. What I found was my life was divided into little boxes. I kept some thoughts and fears in one box. My joys in another box. My interests in another box....so on and so on. I never missed a day at work, was known to be a good listener, a supportive co-worker, and someone who had a good sense of humor. At home I was scared, worried and thought of myself as a wife, mother, daughter, sister who wasn't measuring up. I was convinced I was going to die at any minute which made me more anxious because, I will have died without feeling good about anything I was doing in my life....which created more anxiety. If it wasn't so painful I would see the humor in the fact that you spend all your time worrying about the what "if"...that you can never take the "if" out of your life.

Through shear grit and the support of my therapist and loving family I found a way to put all my gifts into one box. The box of Annie. Guess what. I found no one ran away screaming in fear. I could except I would never reach perfection. I began to enjoy the humor in all of my missives and foibles. I became more "present" in my own life and for the people I love.

I came to accept that there is only one person in my life who doesn't want the whole me but prefers that I show up with many little boxes and only open the one that has no emotional component, no dreams and hopes. Although I sometimes grieve for the ability for this person to see me...I get that it is something about them, not me...

The life I lead is wonderful because it comes in only one perfectly wrapped box, filled with the love and dreams for my sons, my girls, one perfect little boy and my dog. Greg loves this present because we share the goodies inside.