The "But" Exterminator

A co-worker has been sending out via supportive emails, help with the major transitions going on at work. I on the other hand read it and said...this is going to help with life as a whole. Yesterdays especially hit home for me and I would like to reprint part of it in today's blog...because I don't know about you but I need to hear this over and over again! I believe that living without the "but" may also help with the "butt."

How often have you heard someone (or yourself) say something like:
“I’d like to exercise, BUT I don’t have time”.
“I’d like to have a creative outlet, BUT when can I do that”?
“I’d like to eat healthier, BUT who has time to shop and make healthy meals?”
“I’d like to _________________ (fill in the blank).

BUT …. This is the ‘but’ factor we’re dealing with, and what’s needed is a ‘but’ exterminator! So how do we do that?

1. First, and most effective, as talked about in Tip # 2, is to ask yourself: is this activity/commitment/choice life giving or life draining? Or is this fulfilling someone else’s agenda? What is the cost to saying ‘Yes”, when I really want to say “No”? Why am I saying “yes” to this? – it’s often out of habit. It’s sometimes to avoid the discomfort of saying ‘No’. Some people cannot say ‘No’ because their self-esteem comes from the feeling of being needed. As long as someone is asking them to share their time, skills, etc., they feel good about themselves. However, time and personal energy are a high price to pay for self-esteem.

2. Outsource it, delegate it. (Oh …. BUT it will be so much easier if I just do it myself!)
3. Lower your expectations from perfectionism. Think excellence vs. perfection. Painful, I know.

Myths about ‘Balance’:
It means having everything in equal proportion
It’s a state we can achieve if we just work harder and smarter
It’s doing it all – accomplishing everything
It’s all or nothing, you’re either balanced or you’re not
It’s all about time management
It’s not really attainable, life is just too busy with too many demands

Truths about ‘Balance’:
It is not a static state, it requires constant movement and adjusting
Sometimes it requires saying ‘No’ and doing less
Small steps can make a big difference
It’s about having more satisfaction, energy, and fulfillment in your life rather than feeling victimized by circumstances
It requires continuous care and attention, like maintaining your car

Take Action:
Ø Identify 3 energy drains, and what you can do differently with them
Ø Look at your calendar for the next month and cancel any commitment that gives you a sense of dread, resentment, or regret
Ø Schedule time for your own self-care. Block out your calendar and honor it as you would an appointment with a very important person (because you are)
Ø Ask for help. You don’t have to shoulder burdens all by yourself
Ø Stop cluttering your mind with negative television, newspapers, radio shows, or conversations and replace them with something uplifting and positive. What you put into your mind has a powerful impact on your well-being and energy
Ø Do something fun – today! Laugh – today!

Postpartum Blues?

I think I am suffering postpartum blues. LOL It could be the decrease in sleep which leads to a decrease in other activities...due to the new baby at home. He is a sweet heart and is a very smart little guy. BUT...I am experiencing some of the symptoms of postpartum blues...will I be a good enough parent, will I have the stamina, did I bite off more than I could handle at this time in my life???? Many, many questions...with so many different answers.

So if I break it down...I am a responsible person. I have created a safe and enjoyable home. I can economically support the new addition. I am a decent parent. I have gone without sleep for long periods of time. I am reading all that I can that will give me tips on raising a good baby.

What I know to be true is....it is harder to be a new parent at 55 than it was at 26.

Born In The USA

I'm a long gone Daddy in the U.S.A.

Born in the U.S.A.

I'm a cool rocking Daddy in the U.S.A.

Born in the U.S.A.

Bruce Springsteen 7/8/1984

It is truly amazing this urban myth that is creating a whirl wind life of it own...that the President of the United States...in NOT, a US citizen. Conspiracy theorists believe that President Obama was born in Kenya and therefore is a naturalized citizen, not eligible to hold the office of President. Yes, his father was Kenyan...yes his mother was an American...but she did not give birth in Kenya but in the state of Hawaii...who I am sure these same conspiracy theorist would say, is not a part of the US but a secret plot by the Japanese to establish military strong hold within striking range of the mainland. Also, they most likely believe that he really is the son of Osama Bin Ladin.

I find these people scary. But I feel secure that they are running scared, because if Rush Limbaugh is making sound bits about the possibility of the President not really be a "full" US citizen, then I know it is a ratings generated urban legend.

On the other hand, I could not be President...not because I am a woman...but because I am a naturalized citizen. I also had a US citizen for a parent. But my other parent was not a US citizen, and I was born on foreign soil....and no it was not Alaska! LOL Although I am sure the conspiracy theorist will think that the Russians are really building secret bases on the continent so as to be able to cross boarder undetected. Not any more. The minutemen, a self proclaimed boarder protection group are taking care of that...oh baby.

Jammin'

Bet you thought I was talking about music...no...but this is almost a sweet as a perfect love song.

I have never canned. When my kids were young I would occasionally venture into the realm of freezer jam (strawberry only) and freezer tomato sauce.

This past couple of years I have embraced whole foods, slowly removing from my grocery list processed items. Keeping canned foods to a minimum. I started with making my own granola and a type of cookie that would replace processed granola bars. Next trying my hand at drying fruits and veggies which has been so much fun. I have dried red bell peppers, seasonings, pineapple, pears, apples, blueberries and cherries (which are fabulous). Saturday, I made my first canned jams...well some are more like sauce but for the most part they turned out just as I had hoped. My pantry looks so good that sometimes I just stand there and gaze at the product of my endeavor. I have raspberry, blueberry, marionberry jam and cherry sauce. Making it from scratch allows me to know exactly what is going into the jam and to making it a full fruit option without the massive amount of sugar. Greg always chooses the simply fruit brand of jam, now I have enough to last...maybe till next summer????

The interesting thing is that with all the depressing news, the hits to our self esteem, the changes occurring around us...making jam has made me feel awesome...like I can provide for myself and my loved ones. Sometimes we have to create our own warm fuzzes.

Finding My Direction

I am taking time. When you are young...as in young adulthood, the world gives you an agenda in which you mix your own desires and dreams. You have concrete goals, you work hard, you create a family and life moves fast.

What I have noticed in my 50's is a confusion. It seems suddenly you are not hard pressed to drive a certain road that you have always taken. You can make choices you have never considered before.

As I watch my friends and co-workers navigate through their 50's it seems questioning is a normal state. Some people live with regret and can't move forward, spinning their 50's with...I wish I had done that...or my career choices would have been different if I had only known...I wish I had made better financial decision...I wish I had been smarter in my choices of who to love. Some, take the same route they always have, no change in scenery, no change in how they react to situations, no change, period.

For me, my 50's have been a time to question, "what is it I really want to do? How do I want to spend my time? What kind of 60 year old do I want to be?" I wouldn't call it a midlife crisis because that seems to denote a need to leave the old life behind, dramatically changing who you relate to and who you are...not me. I love my life. I regret nothing. People don't realize that if you are happy today it is because of all the choices you made before, good and not so good. What I have found is that I am on a path of finding my direction. Some people, know their direction...they were born with an innate sense of direction...they will lead us with their confidence. Others, like myself are samplers of direction..."lets try this way"...nope I don't want to go this way...so "lets try that way."

Taking some time off gives you a perspective of where you have been. You need this in order to decide where you want to be. As I tip over in a couple of months to the downhill slide of my 50's and can see my 60's on the horizon I am inspired to dream of what I want to look like, what I want to feel like and who will inspire me.

Nociception

The perception of pain is essential to human survival. In a science article I was reading yesterday this perception is called nociception. Pain is a simple way to learn about the dangers surrounding us. Pain signals us to react whether by stepping away, recoiling or responding in a possible life saving measure.

All higher species which are composed of similar make up to humans have a nervous system that can process pain. Birds and mammals will writhe, moan or yelp. Blood pressure will rise, pupils will dialate and the pulse will increase.

Crucial to survival is having nociception. Those born with CIPA (congenital insensitivity to pain and anhydrosis) rarely live past the age of 25. Although appearing normal at birth the trouble begins when they grow teeth..as they can bite a finger off and not feel a thing. They break bones, burn hands and cut themselves but do not know they have hurt themselves until they see a bruise or blood. They often die of infection from multiple injuries.

As cliched as it sounds...pain is truly in our heads. The pain matrix in our brain tells us about intensity, location, duration and type. The anterior cingulate cortex is where the feeling of distress is triggered by the pain...interestingly enough, it does not distinguish between physical and emotional pain. But responds equally to a broken arm and to a broken heart.

So...all this just makes me thankful that I have nociception.

Jabez's Enzo

We have survived rather well our first night together. I have learned a lot this past 24 hours. Since he is a AKC breed from a licensed breeder if I register him he must be "on paper" known first by the breeders name, Jabez and then followed by his name.

secondly, puppy poop really stinks...no accidents in the house but a couple of pee pees on the deck. We are establishing a designated poop area.

He is reeeeaaaallly fast. I forgot how fast Charlie and Yoshi could run. This little guy at 10 weeks can out run me.

Last night he whined for about 2 minutes then fell asleep in his crate. Woke up about 2:30 to go out pee, whined for less than 10 minutes then fell asleep till 4:45...not bad for a first night. Although Greg looked funny sleeping with his shooter's muff in bed!

Enzo took to Greg immediately, much better than even myself. Actually I took to Greg really fast too. lol I had spent the entire day with him but as soon as Greg came home he ran over to him and was wagging his tail wanting to be petted. Dogs and toddlers seem to be drawn to his calm way.

And finally as a jewel in my crown, this morning he already responds to the command "sit"...boy is this going to be fun!

Friends Are A Special Kind Of Relative

They are excited when something good is happening in your life.

They are a shoulder to rest your head on.

They hold your heart in their hands when you are too tired to hold it yourself.

They ask how you are doing...and actually want to know the good, bad and ugly.

They still want to be your friend after hearing the good, bad and ugly.

They make time for you.

They know what hurts your feelings.

They show up with an article that they know you would love to read...which means they are thinking of you even when you are not together.

They have your back.

Friends truly are the best kind of relative...kinda like sisters and brothers from other mothers.

Dissapointment

I am fascinated by the fact that at 55 yrs old (still 2+ months to 56) I can still feel pain when my mother is disappointed in me. You would think that with the life I have led that the statement, "I am disappointed in you" would just bounce off my heart. There would be no sting, but I would glance down at where it lay and ponder...what was that?...and go on my merry way.

Unfortunately the way I am hardwired...when it hits my heart I have to grab it and wrench it out with 2 fists. I always have a wound left over that heals to a nice scar.

I think as a parent by the time your children reach adulthood you do not have the right to give them the disappointed line. You have raised to the best of your ability your children, and if they are disappointing individuals or disappoint you...well suck it up. They are adults and have to make their own mistakes and disappointments. They don't need a reminder of how they have failed you. The burden is too much.

I am really gonna be PO'd if at 70 yrs old I am still disappointing my mom.

One a brighter note...a doe and 3 fawns bedded down in our yard (I didn't hear her once say she was disappointed that they weren't making good choices. lol)

Nesting

Greg says I am nesting. The one bright spot these last few weeks has been the anticipation of a new dog. So, occasionally buying a squeaky toy makes me excited and gets me out of my doldrums. No matter how anxious or angry my co-workers get, I can manage a smile when I think about Enzo.

Where before deciding to take the dog plunge I would occasionally window shop at Macy's or the shops downtown...now it is Pet Express, Petco and Pet Mart. I watch videos about dogs, owning dogs, training dogs and dogs who are the star in the videos.

I feel much like most expectant mothers feels, impatient for the due date, preoccupied with books about the new arrival, studying how to be a good parent, and decorating with anticipation of the new arrival.

Less than a week and there will be messes, sleepless night and discipline???? Oh, I can't wait!!!!

Money

Well, today was one of those days that made me want to check into a mental hospital, buy a $1000 worth of lottery tickets or give up my wonderful life for one with a shriveled up 90 year old billionaire who wants a young 55 year old slightly used hottie.

Makes me think of the lyrics from Mama Mia....

Money, money, money
Must be funny
In a rich man's world
Money, money, money
Always sunny
In a rich man's world
All the things I could do
If I had a little money
It's a rich man's world
It's a rich man's world

oh well, since there are no mental hospitals in Central Oregon, I couldn't spend a $1000 on lottery tickets and I am totally hooked on a "not a billionaire" really hot 56 yr. old....guess I will go to bed early and show up to work tomorrow.

Can You Hear It? Can You Feel It?

Summer is here! 80's-90's all week! I believe Central Oregonians really love our warm weather because we know it is short and sweet. Most people I know live large...meaning they get out and do the things they love. Whether it be water sports, hiking, walking the dog, or canning those fresh berries that only show up for a limited period of time.

How I wish I didn't have to be inside every day preparing for a computer conversion. But, these day it is still sweet in the evening and I rush home to just "be" and enjoy sitting outside on the deck, watching the squirrels, birds, deer and golfers. I get my moments to tend to my pots, trim my flowers, watch in amazement that my squash plant has doubled it's size since yesterday.

And with the view comes many strange and humorous sites. 2 drunks on out of control horses riding down the fifth green (boy is the greens keeper going to raising holy hell tomorrow). A English bull dog running ahead of a golf cart (golfer getting his game and dog walk in at the same time)...and the outfits...one woman dressed in a dress, cowboy boots and cowboy hat (didn't make her stroke any better). Summer is sweet, funny and everything tastes better.

What If???

I am a collector of children's books. I love the unusual thoughts, the beautiful graphic/artwork and the wonderful way children's book authors weave the story.

One of my favorites is "What If?" It has the most beautiful art work but it is the message that speaks to me. Why? Because if I let my mind idle, I can move to the What ifs. I was raised a worrier. My parents tried to protect me from pain, as was their duty...but...sometimes the way this comes across is worry. My dad worried a lot. Whether it was the economy, racism or putting food on the table, he worried. My mom worried about my dad. I used to spend more time worrying, but as I have aged there has come the wisdom that most of what we worry about is not in our control. No matter how hard you try or are able to control a situation, it is just an illusion. How do you know? Because the worry didn't go away...which means you really are not as in control of the situation as you think.

I only control this moment, this body (most of the time) and this heart. So, I continue on my journey to enjoy my loved ones and believe whether I worry or not they will make good choices for their lives.

Road Less Traveled

This past weekend I was on a road less traveled. It was dirt, narrow and uphill. For a few moments I was able to enjoy the adventure and the view. Within 5 minutes the road climbed, became narrower (could be the drop off was on my side) and turned into a rocky rutted road (say that 10 times fast).

As soon as it became physically uncomfortable, it became emotionally uncomfortable. My brain was hanging on for dear life. I felt bad about myself. The fear I was holding. I could not longer enjoy the adventure...I was worried about where we would end up...how we would ever turn around...and screw the view!

With in 20 minutes we found a wide spot in the road...not according to me...but then who would listen to a hysterical person. The way down was no better, even though I knew where our destination would be...all I could think about is why did I wear these damm flip flops?...I wasn't prepared for plan B...I could see the rescue workers faces now...poor folks, no emergency supplies, dressed for a picnic...not having to crawl out of a vehicle that lay at the bottom of a hill and hike miles across the desert!

Kinda like every day life, I want to be comfortable, know what is going to happen and be in charge of my life...wonder what book that exist in????

New Vocabulary

I was listening to the radio while driving around and the DJ was talking about a couple of new words that have been added to the dictionary.

Frenemy: A person who is ostensibly friendly or collegial with someone but who is actually antagonistic or competitive.

Staycation: a stay-at-home vacation

It may be that both of these new additions are a result of the economy. You ask why? Well, you really can't afford to PO your co-workers or boss with this economy, because everyone needs their job. No job, no paycheck. So frenemies are born. People who smile to your face, compliment you on your outfit and as soon as you walk away call you a Beeatch. I have no frenemies, people I know fall into several distinct categories, friends, coworkers, and acquaintances. I think having frenemies would take too much thought and effort...maybe as the DJ said, I am more like a guy. Either friend or you suck.

Now, staycation is definitely a result of the economy. What I have found on my previous staycation this year is that it really gives you a chance to connect to the life you are living. Instead of running off to some exotic place to be who you really are not or hide from the life you left behind....and you saved some money.

I Lost My Rainbow...

....but I found it again. I realized that as I let the world around me move in...like a long lost relative that you don't care for...I was losing my rainbow. Now, I am a person who carries my rainbow around in my head and heart. I bring it out and look at it, and life is good. Little things will make me smile, playing with bubbles (I keep a box of bubble bottles stocked), watching the birds and squirrels, smelling the fresh cut grass. But when I start listening to all the people who don't have a personal rainbow...I start losing mine. The color fades, I can't smell the air...I don't like it. I found that if I stay strong in body and soul, the colors of my rainbow are brighter, I feel warmth and I notice the fun things around me...

Make sure you find your rainbow...

Somewhere, over the rainbow, way up high.
There's a land that I heard of Once in a lullaby.
Somewhere, over the rainbow, skies are blue.
And the dreams that you dare to dream
Really do come true

Outta My Way, I'm Getting Off This Train!

How funny my mind works...I will spend months denying how out of control I feel. Reminds me of myself as a little girl...if you don't say it out loud and you keep yourself busy, you won't think the boogy man exists. The best part of myself is the part that is screaming in the back ground...RUN, GET OFF THE TRAIN, NO ONE IS THE BOSS OF YOU....If, I will stop and listen, it is this part that gives me the truth and the way...boy does that sound like religion!

Well, I guess it is the religion of Anna, the church of "you already know the truth", the cult of believe in yourself...LOL sometimes I just crack myself up.

I knew when I woke up yesterday that I was going to try and ignore my religion but by the time I finished work I knew that I was getting off this train. It is funny, once I listen and hear my own voice, I feel better. Geez, this is beginning to sound like something out of "One Flew Over The Cuckoo's Nest."

So, at 4:30 PM yesterday I was filled with the spirit of a new life, I slept like a baby and woke up to a great day, where I only had my own voice in my head. I really do crack myself up sometimes....LOL

Earl Eugene Bates & Herbert Hayward Jones

I was sparked yesterday with thoughts of my father-in-law and my father when I saw 2 women in Sisters who were weaving and spinning on a porch. How unusual that both Greg and I were blessed to be the children of very unusual men.

Although very different than each other, both were extraordinary men. The coming together of Greg and I has resulted in two fascinating sons.

My father-in-law was a quiet man, my father was a gregarious man.

My father-in-law worked producing the printed word, my father was a voracious reader...waking before 4 am each morning so he could have several hours of reading before work

My father-in-law was a pioneer...a Renaissance man. He loved the woods, where back in the day when you usually heated your home with wood...he would be sure to have his 4 cords cut, stacked and ready for the winter cold. He loved trying new things, like wood stove cooking and making his own jam. He learned to spin wool and going out into nature to gather plants so he could dye the wool natural colors. He taught himself to weave and won many a ribbon at the county fair. When he developed cancer and was relegated to a bed, he taught himself to crochet and made blankets. He made a quilt which was used to thread bare by his grandson. I never think of him without a warm feeling in my heart.

My father was a pioneer in his family of the ADD type. He worked several jobs at the same time, believing in the responsibility of taking care of your own. He read books that were informative and cutting edge. He would try and get me to bend spoons with the power of my mind! LOL He loved the ocean and in the early days when we couldn't afford groceries, we would fish all weekend. To this day falling asleep with the ocean sounds and smells is better than any tonic. He was self school in selling, photography, building, moving and shaking. He was the life of the party and sought after for counsel because of his open mind and open heart. Life was his platter, he never balked at his responsibility to family, encouraging us to know the joys of hard work and to celebrate not only our own but the successes of our loved ones....to also have a shoulder for each other. I never think of him without a warm feeling in my heart.

Dependence Day

I enjoyed Ellen Goodman's article, "It's Dependence Day for us all, at some point." The gist of the article was the unrealistic view of the way we live as we grow older. For our parents generation a majority of their parents were dead before they reach retirement. If and when we reach retirement many of our parents will still be alive and we will in some way be responsible for their care. Our parents raised us to be independent and we in kind raised our children with the same mantra.

What was missing in the lesson was that caregiving continues through a person's life cycle. "needing help is not a role reversal but a joint responsibility." While a recent spat of devastating car accidents involving persons over 80 where innocents were swept up in the choice to continue driving...it brings to mind a recent conversation I had with a 79 yr old concerning their loved one who was still driving at 92. The 92 year old only drives between the hours 9 in the morning and about 3 in the afternoon. My point is that if I am an innocent driving on the road between 9 and 3 and get caught up in an accident as a result of the 92 yr old...well I am going to be raising a stink at the pearly gates! The fear of losing "car" independence is huge and is the first hallmark of the slippery slope of freedom...but can not one still be free, without a car??? The environment thinks so...we just have a hard time agreeing. And the greater question is, cannot the elderly retain their "indepencence" while being cared for or assisted in moving through the final years of this life? Losing skills and reflexes does not mean losing an independent spirit, it just means learning on both sides of the generational line, what independence does mean.

Happy Independence Day

Well, serving refreshments to myself yesterday is going to make the 4th of July an even better day! It is my favorite holiday!

I spent most of the day doing the things I wanted to do. Greg and I started off with breakfast in bed reading the morning paper. We parted for the day and I headed out to visit Enzo. He is absolutely a sweet heart and is going to take time to train....he is all boy, but then I have lived with boys my entire adult life. The sweetest thing was as I drove away all the puppies were running on the other side of the pen but Enzo (all by himself) ran to the side facing the driveway and watched me drive away.

Next was a simple pedicure, no polish. Then I headed to the movies. I watched, "The Proposal" a Sandra Bullock movie. It was funny, made me tear up and laugh out loud. Betty White had the best lines. After the movie I headed to Newport Market to buy some lean pork ribs. I did this because I wanted to have something different to BBQ and I have never made pork ribs...the butchers at Newport are chefs also...so, I was instructed on the proper way to BBQ pork ribs, handed the ONLY sauce that tastes good on them and sent on my way. Once home I made a batch of my favorite granola adding some blueberries I had dried.

Greg came home from his day of fun, asked how my day was. We had Happy Hour on the deck, listened to the thunder, felt a few rain drops and BBQ'd.

Perfectly served refreshment activities. It made me realize how important taking the time to do the things that refresh yourself. It gives you a smile back, your cup looks half full and you can thereby give back to your family, coworkers and the person who is standing next to you.

Today off to the Pet Parade for more refreshments!

Serving Refreshments

Refreshments:
1.
something that refreshes, esp. food or drink.
2.
refreshments, articles or portions of food or drink, esp. for a light meal.
3.
the act of refreshing or the state of being refreshed.

Today is a day that I am serving refreshments to myself (and there by Greg) all day long. Greg no longer asks me how my day was...so I think, by serving refreshments to myself he will be refreshed. When life gets out of control you have to take a day and stop. Not collapsing on the couch in a huddle of despair, feeling sorry for yourself...but doing all the things that make you happy. By doing this you see yourself again, gather up your power, cast away sadness, drop the guilt, and are ready for life. Having refreshments reestablishes the armor you might require to withstand the pressures of life.

Today starts with sleeping in, having breakfast in bed with the paper, writing this blog, visiting Enzo, touching some fabric and finding something wonderful to BBQ. Oh and I wonder what is playing at the movies.......?

Life is Hard

I can think of younger days when living for my life
Was everything a woman could want to do
I could never see tomorrow,
but I was never told about the sorrow

And how can you mend a broken heart?
How can you stop the rain from falling down?
How can you stop the sun from shining?
What makes the world go round?

How can you mend this broken woman?
How can a loser ever win?
Please help me mend my broken heart and let me live again.

Life can be so relentless sometimes. Illness, divorce, economic ruin, death...it marches on whether we are prepared or not. You wonder sometimes why really good people can have such a raw deal and the only answer is....there is no answer...it's life. Who ever believed that if they did everything right life would be easy hasn't been living. We have been served a dream on a platter, be good and goodness happens, work at what you love and you'll always be rich, marry for love and you'll always be in love, go to college and you'll always have a job.

The reality is life is not predictable. Life is not fair. Life is hard. So how to survive life? Link one arm around another, clasp someones hand, lay your head on someones shoulder, cry out loud and a friend will cry with you. Share your gifts and others will share with you when you do not have any.

Bottom line, this life is hard and fabulous at the same time...we just need each other. It is soooo worth living, loving, sharing and crying...it is, what it is and every moment good or bad is life.