Blue Moon

I used to think that a "Blue Moon" was blue or sad.  In fact a blue moon happens only once every 2 1/2 years...thus, the phrase "once in a blue moon."  Tonight is the night.  How special that it landed on New Years Eve...if only the snow storm does not block our view.

The idea of something happening once every 2 1/2 years gives you pause about taking advantage of opportunities that happen only once in a while. 

Why can we not make other things in our life that are "once in a blue moon" events, an opportunity.  It may be my mantra for the new year.  If someone or something presents an opportunity for me to experience something I have not experienced before...I am going to remember that this is a once in a blue moon chance to open my heart, my life and my schedule.

I think I saw the moon wink at me.

Baaaadddd Dog

I got home after work today and was greeted at the door by a baaaaaddd dog.  He didn't look bad at first glance, greeting me with a wagging tail and an innocent look.  But then, I went to the entry way to get his leash so I could take him outside and found my favorite Christmas cactus (my only Christmas cactus) and it's beautiful blue pot on the floor.  The dish was broken and some of the cactus segments had been pulled off.

As soon as I said, "what the @#$%" he slinked away.  He would no longer make eye contact and his tail was not wagging.  Well, like any well respected mother I told him to go to his bed and wait till daddy gets home.  Then I didn't clean it up...cause I had to show the damage to Greg and show that we were a united front for this naughty pup. 

Now poodles are one of the smarter breeds and so he knew he was in trouble.  Didn't move from his bed until Greg got home.  Then in my righteous indignation I marched out with Greg and Enzo following...pointing to my suffering plant.  Greg said, "ought oh."  Enzo slinked away.  I wanted to make him realize the depth of my heart ache at seeing my favorite plants busted up...but Greg said "you can tell he is sorry,"

Then he put both paws together, sat up and place them on my chest...kinda like begging for forgiveness.  I thought I saw a twinkle in his eye and I gushed how cute he was begging like that...if he could speak...he would say...Sucka!

Anna's #1 Rule The Week After Christmas

I don't know why it is part of my year end ritual, but I must...MUST...have my Christmas decor put away before the New Year starts.  I am not sure why this became a necessity but it has been part of my year end process for as long as I can remember.

My sister on the other hand leaves her tree and decorations up till the around January 6th...the Feast of the Magi.  I used to get depressed when I would see her tree, all dried up, wanting to be put out of it's misery.

There have been years where the day after Christmas the decor was already stored away.  The actual day I would set aside to put everything away was determined by my work schedule.  This year...at 0330 in the morning my brain started calculating when I could complete the task.  I work Wed. and Thurs.  and Thurs. is New Years Eve...so it had to be today, my only day off before the new year. 

There is a feeling that I can't "start over" if there are pieces of last year still lying around.  I can actually feel a weight being lifted as I tuck the last treasured piece of holiday in it's box, to be delightfully discovered next year.  I can look around my home and although it is Dec. 29th I feel ready...stronger...alert...the "possibility" is ready to happen because we have tucked Christmas 2009 in a safe memory.

Mama Mia..It's Mother Nature

One of the thing I love about Central Oregon is you really never know when Mother Nature decides to visit with the gift of a snow fall.  It doesn't matter that Bob Shaw says we are going to have a few days of sunshine with scattered clouds.  It doesn't matter that the NOAA site say only a 20% chance of snow flurries...it is the gift of unpredicatability that she gives us.

It is a reminder that no matter what we think, we really do not have control over everything in our sphere. That we can make all the plans we want but if she decides we need a little snow and ice on the ground...we're gonna get a little snow and ice on the ground.  There is a lesson to be learned about being hopeful but when it doesn't work, figuring out how to put one foot in front of the other without a tantrum.  Slowing down can save your life...a man died while trying to run across the parkway, when the cross walk was only 100 feet away...slow down...sometimes your life depends on it...

And so, waking up yesterday there was snow and ice on the ground...dang...but then...you look and it is really beautiful.  How can you be frustrated when it is sooooo beautiful.  Life is forced to slow down and in the slowing down you really get to see the diamonds in the snow, the coffee smells delicious and a unrushed lunch with a friend never tasted better.

It's That Week...

You know...that week after Christmas but before New Years.  The black hole week that has sucked all the anxiety, happiness, fevered running around, crazy shopping days, cooking till you feel sick....that week...the one between Christmas and New Years...you know...the one that feels empty...the one where you have time to examine what this holiday season was like...and you swear, you won't have that one again or in my case...loving the choices I made and the music in my head that I listened too...my song.  It is the week where you suddenly realize you hate your Christmas decor and wish someone else would put it away! The one where you are sick....yes, sick of Christmas candy.  It is the week where you feel contentment at how your holiday played out or you are depressed because, again your bubble was popped.

I reach for that day...I can just feel it with my finger tips...for me it is Jan. 2nd.  It is as refreshing as a cool summer rain...cause it is a blank slate!  I can almost see that day...it is potential...it is freedom...it is filled with music...cause it is truly my day...the beginning of my year.

Let's see if I can live 2010 as my year...even when I say it I can feel tears in my eyes because it is like a new baby...so filled with hope, happiness and possibilites...I live in the possibilities!

PS. This photo of Sad Santa looking at the melting Frosty was taken by Greg.

Lovers In The Night...Exchanging Glances

....lovers at first sight, exchanging glances...

Christmas Day was one of watching love bloom.  We all wish for love in our lives.  We want the warm feeling of it coursing through our veins and creating a space in this universe where we feel safe.  We not only want that...but we want someone who really sees us and still wants to be with us.  We want the kind of love that gives us a thrilling feeling but also is the kind of love that hangs around when we don't look so thrilling but only sees us as wonderful.

Several times I caught the look of love in my eldest son's eyes.  It was a look of wonder at who this woman is that wants to be a part of his life. 

Last week I watched the Family Man with Nicholas Cage and there is a moment in the movie that always gets me...because in my own life when I experience it...it takes my breath away.  He has her face in his hands and he says, "you are so beautiful" and she says, "how can you look at me like that, after all this time, and still look like as if this is the first time you've seen me?"  Chokes me up everytime, because life marches forward, time takes it's toll...and yet if love exsist we see each other through rose colored glass.  When Greg looks at me like that I feel 50 pounds lighter, my locks of hair are shiney, my skin smooth and tight, I can read a map and I can sing

Merry Christmas

Merry Christmas to all out in blog land.  The holidays have been an interesting adventure this year.  We have not had a fevered pitch of activity but have been truly present with each connection we have made. 

American culture has evolved into a continued road race starting with Halloween and ending with New Years.  We usually look to the New Year with tired eyes and exhausted spirits because we tried to win the race.  But in running, you try to figure out your pace.  The miles per hours that you can run and sustain.  Enjoying the scenery, working your body and soul and ultimately getting across the finish line with joy.  No injuries, no exhaustion but still able to enjoy and realize what you did and how you did it.

I wish a fulfilling day whether you are enjoying it alone or with friend and family.  It is, but one day that can give you wonderful memories or leave you whipped.  It is your choice...it is your life...it is your soul.

Over The River And Through The Woods

Over the river and through the woods,

To Peter & Sarah's house we go;

The horse knows the way to carry the sleigh,

Through the white and drifted snow, O!

Over the river and through the woods,

Oh how the wind does blow!

It stings the toes, and bites the nose,

As over the ground we go.

It is a special Christmas for us.  As Greg, Byron and I travel over the mountain together we travel in our hearts towards a future as a family.  Parents judge themselves by how their children travel through life.  Who they chose as friends, what activites they get involved with, how well they do in school and who they chose to spend their life with.  Oh, you will hear over and over...that you shouldn't do that but, the reality is...you know you had a small play in what they become.  Our goal was not to protect them from failure but to learn from the failure.  It was not to have the perfect life but to create the life they want. We encouraged them to set their standard and then go for it.  We passed tools on, not only how to succeed with integrity but to make their way with a soul.  To know that what you own is not what you are.  That choosing who to love is part of learning who you are  and how you want to ultimately live your life. It can't be rushed, each heart ache and break up gives you pieces of your puzzle and ultimately help find the one.

The Family Tree

The trees that produce fruit have been grafted, 2 trees or more grafted together to produce the best fruit and the highest yield.  Much like a family tree. 

I look at my family tree and it is made up of people who were strong and stood up to be counted.  I have an emperor, the daughter of a man who should have been the ruler of a small nation...the son of a man who had two families and yet went on to create a small family business.  Many people who have loved and betrayed one another.  Families who have embraced others too create even more branches of the family tree.  Adopted family members, branches of both good and bad people and yet the tree continues to grow and produce even better fruit.

In 2010 I see another shoot...one created by my eldest son.  He has thought long and hard.  Chosing to graft to our family tree a most wonderful person.  With this person comes a another who will bring to our family tree an even more fruitful bounty.

Family trees are supposed to be dynamic, spreading their branches, shading those who need shade and providing nourishment for those in the family.

Hey, Soul Sister

I have been lucky to have good soul sisters.  I was born an only child but learned about my first soul sister when I was about 4 years old.  My parents had decided to adopt.  When all was said and done, 5 years later at the age of 9 I had a soul sister who was 3 years older than me.  It was a blessing. 

As the years passed I picked up other soul sisters.  There are the ones who totally get you, the ones you can cry with, the ones that will have your back no matter what and the ones that help you and that you can help.  They are the ones who are honest with you but wrap that honesty in love.  They forgive you your short comings and stop you from doing something stupid.

A soul sister, although not born of the same parents some how is connected to you with a braid of love, caring, honesty and strength.

Winter Solstice

"In astronomy, the winter solstice is the moment when the earth is at a point in its orbit where one hemisphere is most inclined away from the sun. This causes the sun to appear at its farthest below the celestial equator when viewed from earth. Solstice is a Latin borrowing and means "sun stand", referring to the appearance that the sun's noontime elevation change stops its progress, either northerly or southerly. The day of the winter solstice is the shortest day and the longest night of the year."

Which brings me to the idea...are you a person who looks at today as the shortest day...or the longest night.  I think, depending on which you chose...may say something about your personality.  Much like the adage...are you a cup half full or a cup half empty kinda person?

A few years ago a friend told me that the Winter Solstice was her favorite day because it meant every day afterwards would be getting a little bit longer.  Since her explaination, I also have looked forward to this day...not as a day to celebrate the first day of winter, not as a day to burn sage and revel in pagan worship...but as the beginning of the march towards the longest day of the year.

So much of our prespective is based on how we view the world and what we  have planned. Take for instance the headline, "Not Much Chance For A White Christmas."  Normally, I wish for a white Christmas.  This year since I will be traveling on Christmas...I am happy with a brown Christmas. 

I No Longer Can Run With The Big Dogs

I found out this weekend I can no longer run with the big dogs...what I mean is that my late night party days come at a price.  There were little signs over the last few years...falling asleep before the ball dropped in Time Square, not being able to stay up and watch the biggest meteor shower of the year...I hate missing fun.

When I was a little girl I drove my dad nuts.  I always wanted to be the last one up, so I wouldn't miss a thing.  As I moved into my teen years I routinely would be up reading or taking a shower at midnight.  My dad would joke that the reason they had couldn't have any more children after me was because my mother refused to have sex with him while I was still awake walking around the house.  Back then most homes had one bathroom and quarters were tight.  College years...I skipped sleeping, sometimes going a couple of days without sleep...maybe in a daze...but no sleep.  Young married life brought late romantic nights.  The baby years...no sleep, one or both of us would be up...especially if you had a baby who like you, didn't want to sleep.  Then arrived the years where you worked opposite each other to take care of the kids...night shift...Here was where I started to see the crack in my ability to live without sleep.

Just when you realize you don't have the stamina to function without sleep, you have a teenager.  I believe I was in a fugue state during those years...although I did gain spidey sense.

The real crime is that now that there are no finals to study for, no 24 hour sex romps, no babies to take care of, no night shifts and no teenagers trying to sneak in quietly...you lack the ability to parteeeea.  Two nights of after midnight bed times and I feel like I am surviving the "Days of Wine and Roses."

Can't run with the big dogs...I am just one pooped little puppy.

My Bay

This is "my bay."  The one I grew up on.  If I squint my eyes I can see across to Moss Landing...the harbor of my childhood.  I have been in Bend so long surrounded by beautiful mountains, an expansive forest and nature in full evolution that I forgot how beautiful my bay is.  Then my cousin took some photos and when I saw them, my heart contracted..."my bay."

I have so much history in this spot.  It is where I first felt the power of nature.  My parents would take me to the beach and while they fished all night I would sleep bundled in the sand. It is where my dad had a dream that one day he would be rich enough to get a little row boat. I loved to sit on a log washed up on the beach, feeling the surge of the tide.  I discovered I could (once is blue moon) dig faster than a clam.  I have caught fish.  I have sailed every part of this bay.  I found god and promised to become a nun if only this bay wouldn't swallow me up. When I see this photo I see my dad.  He loved this bay...so much so that he wanted to be buried where we could feel the salt spray on our faces when we came to visit his grave.  I have tipped a small sail boat and fallen into it's waters bobbing around like a little light buoy.  To this day whenever I am at any beach I can fall asleep in a nano second if I hear the surf and smell the air.

I turned my back on god, didn't become a nun and had my wedding reception was on this bay...it has played a large part in my life.  The last time I sailed this bay was about 5 years ago...I need to see again. 

The Holiday Survival Guide

Today's paper had a full page dedicated to the holiday survival guide.  It is ironically funny that a holdiay that is totally about good will towards man...needs to be survived.

I have had many holiday adventures and miss adventures...so here is my holiday survival guide.  Based on years of experience.

1. Never sit on Santa's lap if he smells of liquor.

2. Don't forget to put the sugar in your dessert.

3. label each present as you wrap it...or your going to have to unwrap them  

    to figure out who they are for.

4. remember to put stamps on your Christmas cards before mailing.

5. keep a list of where you have hidden all your gift purchases so you won't

    be looking for them until Easter.

6. Remember, every one comes to the family holiday dinner with their own     

    agenda...so have a drink before mom arrives.

7. You do not want to go to Costco on Christmas eve.

8. Tell your children that Santa won't come unless they are in bed by 6 PM

    because you will need a lot of time to put that thing-a-ma-gig together.

9. Do not buy an electric guitar for anyone on your Christmas list

10. The day after Christmas sales are dangerous...which leads me the most

     important tip of all...do not...I mean do not...try to walk up the down

     escalator.

May you survive the holiday sober, joyful and without any boo boos from trying to run up the down escalator.

Mental Health Day

I have been thinking about "mental health days" after a conversation I had.  It seems that there is an international mental health day each year...Oct. 10th.  I think I must have missed it!

This years mental health poster shows different ways to support your mental health.  My favorite is "take a break."

The problems comes when you wait till you get to the end of your rope and you call in sick because you need a mental health day.  I can assure you, it is not mental health break.  I can speak from experience, taking an unplanned mental health day is like having a warm coke.  You struggle with making the call, you feel guilty, the day isn't one of freedom because you can't be seen out having fun...cause you called in sick and you begin to feel not so good.  Sure you might gain some rest and you get a break from the chaos at work...but this is no mental health day...it is like a warm coke.

Over the years I have come to realize that I need an occassional mental health day or mental health half day.  I can feel it...I am dragging into work, not on top of my game.  I take a look at my schedule, I pick a day...one in my pattern that will feel like a special day to take care of my mental health.  I call people to find a replacement and I take it off.  No excuses, no guilt, no explaination of why I need the time...I am FREE!  I feel good about the time I am giving myself and it truly is a mental health day, because it doesn't come with any negative emotions.  I think when you do not listen to your needs you are forced into the unplanned mental health day.

A true mental health day feels good when you take the time.  You are taking care as a choice rather than a last ditch effort to save your sanity. 

PS.  You'd be amazed at the stuff that comes up when you google "mental health day."  There are a lot of people out there struggling.

Approaching Normal

I heard the phrase "approaching normal" and it struck a cord.  The holidays puts life into an abnormal phase...at least for most people.  We all know it starts earlier and earlier each year.  September rolls around and the kids are back in school...and you can already feel it...just a tickle...a little crispness in the air and you start getting abnormal.

Then one day you walk into Costco in October and all the Christmas stuff is set up and ready for purchase. You can barely enjoy Thanksgiving because Christmas is just a few short weeks away...and the abnormal pace is in full swing.

How to fit all the expectations and requirements needed to be prepared for one day. 

This year I approached December differently. Deciding that I was going to let it unfold at it's own pace.  I decided to enjoy every moment I "chose" to enjoy. The weird thing was that once I took this stance it came slowly.  I wasn't in the mood in November to even think about it...so I didn't.  I wanted to enjoy all the segments of the holiday...and the amazing thing is, I have.  From baking cookies, planning a gathering, shopping for just that perfect item, decorating my little tree, sending out Christmas cards, dressing up my dog, wrapping presents...each and every thing I did was enjoyable...I only participated in those events that have brought me joy.  I made my holiday donations with a sense of truly giving with the help of a co-worker who orgainized the donations.  I thought about each and every person who I bought a present for, staying within my budget but being mindful of the reciever. 

Here it is December 16th and I am "approaching normal" and normal feels happy.

Junk Yard Dog

                                    

There are many labels I have heard in relation to my name...some, I have worked on changing, some I take pride in and some are a surprise.

In my life thus far I have heard that I am...

fearless                                                smart

funny                                                   empathetic

distracted                                             intuitive

depressed                                             good quilter

anxious                                                aware

has a mind like a steel trap                     psychic

has such a pretty face                            efficient

goal oriented                                        disorgainized

impatient                                             focused

impatient                                             generous

impatient                                             good friend

                                                                          

This is the short list depending on if you are friend or foe...but it is my list.  I agree with this list, there are some that do not live fully in my life now...I rarely get depressed anymore. Although, I have had pyschic moments I am not on the level of John Edwards (who I think may be a quack) but more on the level of the guy on medium...I am reading between the lines.  I have yet to totally get a grasp on my impatients but I can laugh at myself in those moments.

The title I am most proud of now is "junk yard dog."  Now a junk yard dog is one who is trained to protect the junk yard.  He patrols the perimeter of the yard, stands on top of the junk and makes sure no one crosses the fence.  I like knowing that within me is a junk yard dog.  A part that protects the rest of me.  Although I am considered flexible...I do not want to be used because of my flexibility.  I want respect in my home and work life.   My home life is cake...work on the other hand requires a pep talk each morning. 

I watch others who are stomped on each day but don't want to tip the boat, so they swallow their anxiety, anger and depression.  Come in, go out...losing a little bit of themselves each day. 

But what if they had a bit of "junk yard dog?"  It does not mean you have to rip into people, it means you watch and when someone cross the line or tries to push you in a direction that doesn't feel right...show some pearly white teeth.

Everyone respects the junk yard dog.

Roller Derby

I went with my cousin Kathy and our girlfriends to my very first roller derby match.  It was so much more and so much less than I had expected...and I had a blast.

The whole event was such a rich metaphor for life in general.  The 2 teams skating against each other were the Lava City Roller Dolls and the a team from Coos Bay.  First of all I was pleasantly surprised that the women were real...in the sense of...regular gals.  All shapes and sizes, a variety of backgrounds...nurse, midwife, teachers, trainers, wives, mothers...you get it...just like me.  They wore their roller derby attire with assertive pride rather than embarrassment.  The 2 teams jostled and knocked each other down, but it was all in good fun.  No fighting, but encouragment to each other.  There were great skaters and not so great skaters. No matter how many times an individual fell...she got back up and kept on going.

What a message of perserverence, no matter the odds.

The crowd was as interesting as the skater...well almost, some of those outfits were stretched beyond reason.  Cheering the skaters on were grandparents, parents, children, husbands, friends, people on date night and sponsers.  We cheered for both teams when a grand skating move was achieved.  I had so much fun that the next bout in Feb. is on my list of things to enjoy!

Check it out!  http://www.lavacityrollerdolls.com/index.htm

BullShit Meter

There seems to be a lot of BS going on...whether it comes from politicans, the media and it many personalities, employers, and people you know.

I was watching a TV show yesterday and one of the characters was being questioned by another...something along the line of...why are you quesitoning my view on the subject...the other character says because my bullshit meter went off.  I laughed and said I think I have one of those.

I thought about it and in polite circles you would say you have good intuition.  Literary groups you might say, you are thin slicing...but in my dad's world...you got a good bullshit meter.

There was a game where you would tell a story and the other people could believe it or yell bullshit.  I was brought up in such a way that cursing was not allowed...especially by ladies.  This does not mean that you can't have a bullshit meter.  I see it all the time...you have a husband in for surgery and when you are asking health questions, you see the wife's bullshit meter go off.  So you turn to the wife and ask...so is that true???  Although little old ladies won't say bullshit, you do see the meter.

So as employers sends out massive amounts of email, or your life is rearranged...just because...and your bullshit meter goes off...what should you do?  Yell BULLSHIT...at least in you mind.

The Meltdown

I have had several conversations with friends, neighbors and of course my favorite strangers...about the meltdown.

The meltdown occurs whenever our expectations bump up against reality.  So where do these expectations come from?  Years of fine tuning those around us to meet our needs for a very perfect experience. 

I spent year trying to create the Norman Rockwell Thanksgiving.  Not only did every one show up with their own personalities...not, like the people in the painting, filled with love and joy for all living things...but my turkey never reached the table looking like theirs.

In retrospect I can see I spent the weeks before holidays working up to a nice "hair ball" that I never coughed up but carried through the holiday to finally hack it up after the fact in a nice "post holiday blues."

What has changed for me?  The growth that comes in finally understanding that New Years, Ground Hogs Day, Valentines Day, St. Patty's, Easter, Free Ski Day, Free Dump Day, First Day of School, Halloween, Thanksgiving and Christmas...are not about me and my needs.  The only day I get each year is my birthday and that is why I make it last longer than 24 hours.

Really the joy in seeing my children make their own traditions where they may have taken a little of what they grew up with and mixed it with their own...it is peaceful.  I love fitting into their lives...not making them meet my needs.  I am grateful that they want to fit us into their lives. 

I am in awe of the lives they are creating, the people they are becoming and I really like that I have no meltdowns...for me, life now is all cake...and frosting!

Below ZERO

It is so cold outside that we had some visitors.  They seems to be lost but...hey the temperature was right.  They were heading south for the winter but heard it had snowed in Los Angeles yesterday!

So they said, "screw this" and started heading back up north.  My sister saw them in Napa yesterday.  She said it was so cold that her pipes froze...19 degrees.  No wine available for the travelers so they came heading back north.  If there was no warm place they might as well go home.

So now they are in Bend.  They stopped by the Chamber of Commerce to get the scoop on the place and were greeted by a gaggle of geese...who said, "SWEET."  This place is wide open!  The people here can't agree on what to do with feathered visitors so we invited all our relatives to move on up or down in your case.  Lots of free food and with all the golfing here you can eat fresh greens and see for miles if any predators are coming...but I think you really need to get new suits...this is a laid back town...no tuxedo's needed.

LIFE IS NOT HOW YOU SURVIVE THE STORM, BUT HOW YOU DANCE IN THE RAIN.....

A friend sent me this...written by Regina Britt, 90 yrs old...a perfect blog which needs no additional comment.  As she said, although long it needs to be read every week.  I think I am going to print it and put it on my frig.

1. Life isn't fair, but it's still good.

2. When in doubt, just take the next small step.
3. Life is too short to waste time hating anyone.
4. Your job won't take care of you when you are sick. Your friends and parents will. Stay in touch..
5. Pay off your credit cards every month.
6. You don't have to win every argument. Agree to disagree.
7. Cry with someone. It's more healing than crying alone.
8. It's OK to get angry with God. He can take it.
9. Save for retirement starting with your first paycheck.
10. When it comes to chocolate, resistance is futile.
11. Make peace with your past so it won't screw up the present.
12. It's OK to let your children see you cry.
13. Don't compare your life to others. You have no idea what their journey is all about.
14. If a relationship has to be a secret, you shouldn't be in it..
15. Everything can change in the blink of an eye. But don't worry; God never blinks.
16. Take a deep breath. It calms the mind.
17. Get rid of anything that isn't useful, beautiful or joyful.
18. Whatever doesn't kill you really does make you stronger.
19. It's never too late to have a happy childhood. But the second one is up to you and no one else
20. When it comes to going after what you love in life, don't take no for an answer..
21. Burn the candles, use the nice sheets, wear the fancy lingerie.. Don't save it for a special occasion. Today is special.
22. Over prepare, then go with the flow.
23. Be eccentric now. Don't wait for old age to wear purple.
24. The most important sex organ is the brain.
25. No one is in charge of your happiness but you.
26. Frame every so-called disaster with these words 'In five years, will this matter?'
27. Always choose life...
28. Forgive everyone for everything.
29. What other people think of you is none of your business.
30. Time heals almost everything. Give time time.
31. However good or bad a situation is, it will change.
32. Don't take yourself so seriously. No one else does.
33. Believe in miracles.
34. God loves you because of who God is, not because of anything you did or didn't do.
35. Don't audit life.. Show up and make the most of it now.
36. Growing old beats the alternative -- dying young.
37. Your children get only one childhood.
38. All that truly matters in the end is that you loved.
39. Get outside every day. Miracles are waiting everywhere.
40. If we all threw our problems in a pile and saw everyone else's, we'd grab ours back.
41. Envy is a waste of time. You already have all you need.
42. The best is yet to come....
43. No matter how you feel, get up, dress up and show up.
44. Yield.
45. Life isn't tied with a bow, but it's still a gift."

COME ONNNNN!

There is a school in the city of Ashland that has removed it's Christmas Giving Tree because a group of parents said it was a religious symbol.  COME ON!

of course, snow men are not religious, so pinning the gift giving tags on the snow man is ok...as long as you don't hurt them...if you hurt them, the snow police which is made up of the public work guys who worship snow will be visiting you!

Now beware, cats especially dressed up as Santa are a religious symbol especially in Egypt where they adorn pyramids.

Watch out for Santa, after all he is a religious symbol, heck his name used to be St. Nicholas and as much as he hangs around with animals and hauls trees around he might be a tree hugger and a saint!

Although basically we are a non religious household filled with spiritual people, I fear we may have tipped over to a more pagan couple. We now do the bidding of this creature, who supiciously looks like an ethinic St. Nick!

The "Lump It Altogether" Parade

Ok, call me Mrs. Bah Humbug but the Christmas Parade was a huge dissapointment.  It was freezing!  The closest parking space I could find given the way I approached the route, put me behind the Westside Cafe.  This was my mistake.  But the orgainzers of the parade missed the boat.

The Christmas Parade is not the "lump" all the parades this year into one.  It is a Christmas parade.  Besides the marching bands, the military, police and fire dept. everyone else in the parade should be about Christmas...either secular or non secular.  This isn't a recap of the parades that happened all year...it is a Christmas Parade.

So, driving your car that advertises insurance just so your kid can be in the parade makes it seem like an informercial parade.  Businesses that acually pulled a flat bed behind them filled with children singing Christmas caroles...now, that is what we came to see.  Off road vehicle club...thought we saw you last summer.  VFW had their own parade. So if Jakes wants to pull the VFW in the Christmas Parade it would have been funnier to see them all dressed as elves.  I am proud to live in a town that could attract such a wonderful business as Breedlove, but do I need to see their big rig and van adverstising such in the parade?  I know America is getting fatter but does the Christmas parade need a weight loss business marching in the parade chanting about joining and losing weight....made me want to spit out the cookie I was eating...I don't want to feel guilty at the Christmas Parade!

The cub scouts, camp fire girls singing Christmas caroles was heart warming.  The corgi's pulling a wagon decorated for Christmas was entertaining...but just cause you want to advertise your business and stuck a santa hat on your head...that doesn't make it in my book.  The school bands marching while playing Christmas music is a traditional part of Christmas parades.  In my book the only "car" in the Christmas parade should be the one the Christmas queen is riding...The city counsel, mayor should be hoofing it and shaking hands along the way.  Heck even Bob Shaw was walking and waving!

The parade orgainzers could not have lived here very long...gotta keep the parade moving...it's too cold this time of year for long gaps to occur between participants!

Enzo, well he felt like he dodged a bullet.  The first outfit I tried on him was a reindeer costume but a lady walking by said...the costume didn't look any different than his own fir.  So, we settled on Yoshi's old santa hat and a nice red jacket.  The best part of the parade was seeing my cousins! Although Enzo was scared of Amaya...he wasn't quite sure what kind of aninal has pink fur!

It's Starting To Feel More Like Christmas...NOT!

I seem to be in a Christmas fugue state.  I don't remember quite how to do it...maybe it has to do with this time in my life.  I have some friends who are my age or older and they go freak-a-zoid for Christmas...so I am not sure it has to do with age.  I am not depressed about it...I just seem to be slow this year.  I did shop for the Christmas family that our department is giving too and I was excited when I found what I was looking for...but once I gift wrapped it and dropped it off at the hosptial, I was back to regular old winter mode.

My front door wreath was delivered yesterday by "the Judge". I mean a real judge and I didn't have the money.  Now I owe the law money!  I ordered it from the son of someone I know who had a fund raiser and her husband the judge delievered it.  I hung it on the front door.  But I don't get to see it much because I never go through the front door (subject for another blog). 

Today, although it is as my dear 'ol dad used to say, "colder than a witches tit" geez...that sounds gross and it's Christmas not Halloween...I will be going to the Christmas Parade.  My cousins will be there and truly there is nothing more fun than seeing children during the holidays...waaaaa...where is Byron???  Their bright eyes, runny noses, greedy little brains, high on sugar!

I KNOW!!!!!  Before the parade I'll get Enzo a Christmas outfit!!!!!!!!!

He's lying by my side sound asleep unaware what is in store for him...although he is having a nightmare which seems to have him whimpering and his feet are running...he may be trying to get away from the Christmas Fashionista!

18 Months

I was moved by a news story in The Source.  Although news...even The Source can give you "facts" that are first viewed through the eyes of the journalist and then a little spin doctoring is done before the reader sees the information.  We still do not know or may never know how this man's journey ended with two murders in Central Oregon.

The facts are 18 months he lived in Portland, had friends, belonged to a poetry group, was a carpenter, conservationist, avid bike rider, outdoors man, skilled naturalist, artist, musician and friend.

According to those who worked and played with him, he went to college in upstate New York, he had a great sense of humor, loved camping and took his love of the enviroment to the point of riding his bike to work every day...and that is the beginning of the unraveling of his life.

Riding his bike to work a pick up truck clipped him causing a crash.  The resulting medical bills were too much and one could speculate that getting involved in trying to get a settlement from the truck driver to pay those medical bills took him into the underbelly of human nature.  His friends say it was the medical issues that brought on a downward spiral of financial hardship.

Although forever curious about human nature and choices I know I will never have an answer.  What his friends do say is 18 months ago he just dissapeared, deciding to hike the Central Oregon Cascades.  No on knew where he was or were he ended up until they heard the news on NPR radio.

As he has communicated with friends from jail you wonder how a man who's words are so beautifully written could harm another human being?

"I can only describe my state as being lost in a lugubrious fog. I’m afraid nothing at the time made sense at all. Now a year later, nothing makes a glimmer of sense." 

He discribes his last 18 months..."It’s funny, it’s tragic, it’s diabolical."

Fall Risk

Everytime I work I ask people if they have fallen down...then I fill out a multi-criteria questionaire to determine if they are a fall risk.  If they are, I put this lovely yellow bracelet on them.

So last night I found out I was a fall risk.  I got up in the middle of the night, stepped over Enzo and made the mistake of really looking down.  Whirling vertigo and I started to fall.  Fell against a bookcase  which had a large print on top and a metal pagoda.  Both came crashing down.  Luckily Enzo was not in his bed and so the pagoda didn't kill him...although the print scared the beegeebeez out of  him...so much so that he would not sleep in his bed the rest of the night and instead slept on Greg's side of the bed.

When I came home Enzo didn't look at me like I was a freak.  He totally forgot that I almost killed him.  I showed him my bracelet and he got excited because he thought it was food, not a label for me.

In the past when I have fallen I have gotten depressed because of my clumsiness but for some reason this time it didn't matter. 

I am taking this as a message...I am a fall risk...I have vertigo and I need to step lightly and with conscious thought...so what...there are worse things in life.

Man On The Moon

 

Whenever people talk of a full clear moon they say you can see the man on the moon.  I used to think they meant that you could see the outline of a man face...but I don't see it.  What I do know is although the moon light can be absolutely beautiful, especially really early in the morning when Greg and I head to the gym...it is showing up way to early.

This morning Robin said that yesterday it was dark at 5 PM.  So I am sitting here at the computer and it is now 4:56 and it is getting dark.  I can still see the sky and the clouds, but I do know that I could not walk down my back path without some light.

The shortest day of the year is Dec. 21...geez, that means it will probably get dark before I get my afternoon break at work!  I can tell already I am going to have to up my vitamin D. 

It is officially 5 PM and it is pretty dark.  At least I am sitting in the dark with the glow of my computer on my face...I think I might be looking younger...maybe this dark thing has it's advantages!

My Running Muscle

I found my running muscle. In the vein of Dr. Suess...

 I discovered,

it wasn't in my butt

it wasn't in my in my legs

it wasn't in my gut

even when I ate 2 green eggs.

I found out this week that it was what lie between 2 ears.

I was inspired by an email I received from the Portland Marathon telling me that in 2010 they would have for the first time a half marathon.  Having run the full in 2005 I know what that means in time investment and my body.  But, a half...now that is like music to my ears. 

I accept that there are issues with training, the biggest has to do with my childhood.  I spent that time always a block behind my mother.  She had little motorized toes and never walked with you...and I imagined that she gave me looks of distain over my inability to be as fast as her.  For whatever childhood twisted logic I began to think I was slow and I became ashamed at my slowness.  So, when I tackled training for the marathon, I had to do it alone.  I could not fathom running and keeping my shameful voice in check.  I rarely ran with another person...although I did work with a nurse who mentored me through the process and was so kind in her encouragement...and when I did run with her, although worried...I ran.

Here I am.  I started training on Sunday.  Monday latic acid arrived and my thigh were sore.  Even though I have a fairly decent workout schedule.  It made me realize AGAIN...there is nothing like running.  Monday after work went for a short run, sore but feeling good.  Today I have already gone spinning and will go out running later this morning.  I discovered this morning...my running muscle.  It is a spot in my brain that literally gets euphoric when I run.  It makes me want to keep running.  It makes me like Republicans. 

The other difference in this training program...ENZO. I now have a training partner for each and every run.  Although he is in better shape.  He has no judgement.  He doesn't care how fast or slow I go as long as I am beside him.  As he walks and I jog, he looks happy and I feel no shame at holding him back.  He loves runners.  As we head down the trail he will see someone ahead and start prancing...Look at us we are training! 

Bah Humbug

I can't seem to do it...get into the holiday spirit.  It is not my time.  Yesterday on the way back from Portland we saw many cars laden with freshly cut Christmas trees.  We entertained ourselves with critical banter about the choices that people made...but I couldn't fathom going out and getting a tree in what is the month of November!

I know some people have the gift of merriment when ever they chose.  Me...I need to feel the love...when it comes to Christmas.  When I look outside and it is was an absolutely beautiful sunrise, clear blue skies and no snow on the ground...well...I don't feel like Christmas.  I don't feel like Margarita time either...it is the inbetween time.

I just saw 2 runners go down the street...I think that's what I will do this morning.  I will take Enzo and we will make tracks, enjoying the fall day and kick down a few Christmas lawn ornaments who make snide remarks as we shuffel by...they are like people who show up to a party 2 hours early.

Service Dog

I am back home reflecting on what a great time Greg and I had.  Here are some of the highlights.  The drive over was a piece of cake...no studs needed but we did wear ours down a little on dry pavement.  Our Amaya woke up ill on Thanksgiving Day so she and her daddy had to lounge around the hotel room while the rest of the family went to Peter and Sarah's for a wonderful time.  The food was fabulous and the company even better.

Peter and Sarah opened their home and hearts to us all and it shows you do not need a large dining room with gold gilded lined plates and crystal glassware to have the best Thanksgiving ever.  Although we missed Becky (Sarah's sister) she did make her fabulous stuffing and so the pain of her not being there was soothed by stuffing.  Byron was a hoot, entertaining Erin and then giving us a reading of the Thanksgiving story.  Enzo loves Byron.

I could go on and on and on about every detail of the day but, I know if you were there you know what I am talking about and if you weren't...well, I'm sorry for your loss.

I want to get to the part of this narrative that has to do with my "service dog."  Enzo I have discovered is a service dog!!!!  I have bored some friends with his absolutely adorable personality and how really perfect he is...and he was very good at Thanksgiving dinner...mostly staying on his "spot" when told.  On Black Friday, Greg decided he wanted to go to Dick's which was across the parking lot from where we were staying.  Enzo's trainer had told me in class #2 that there is no excuse for not training on a daily basis just because of the weather.  In Bend, you can take a dog walking inside of Lowe's, Home Depot and Outdoor Outfitters.  I figure Dick's is the same as Outdoor Outfitters.  So, here we are at Washington Square Mall heading into Dick's.  I figured if they didn't allow dogs they would tell me.

Entering the store the "greeter" said welcome without batting an eye as I walked passed with Enzo.  As I walked around (for 15 mintues)I was asked if I needed help. No one said dogs are not allowed. Then, I was seated in the shoe area and the clerk there came up and asked me if he was a service dog.  Dang!  I didn't think fast enough which is unusal for me...and said no.  He then proceeded to tell me it was a state law that dogs were not allowed in stores unless they were service dogs. So we said thank you and left.  It was later that I thought...HE IS A SERVICE DOG!  and if I had been quick with my brain cells...I would have said, "Yes, he is a service dog, he prevents me from spending money that I don't need too!"  Because in actuality his presents with me caused the man to tell us to leave before I could have purchased shoes I didn't need! 

WOW!  I can't wait till class #3 when I can tell the trainer how smart Enzo really is!

I am acutally considering sewing a backpack for him that says "consumer service dog" and carries your credit cards and wallet...and every time you try to get them out he runs away from you!

Happy Thanksgiving

I am for the second year in a row heading towards Portland.  I don't have to catch my own turkey!  It is easy to be thankful for the list of things we always say...health, family, job, home. But I am also thankful to those who challenge me each day to more clearly define who I am and who I want to be.

I am also thankful to those who make the rules in my job.  I can see more clearly by their choices what mine are.

I am thankful to the man who stands on the corner begging for help...for he challanges me to think about what I really need as opposed to what I want.

I am thankful to Enzo as he is teaching me patients.

I am thankful to those who have opened their home today to extra guest because they live the true meaning of acceptance.

I am grateful for sons who are now my teachers, because I can accept that I do not know everything and can learn from others.

I am grateful for those who have taken a chance to be in relationship.

Happy Thanksgiving

Junkie

I was drowning in mail.  I think I must have been a stamp in my former life because in this life, mail is the bane of my exsistence!  I have tried all kinds of methods to deal with it, the most recent being a nice wicker basket on top of the dryer.  From my garage I walk through my laundry room to enter the house.  I thought how perfect.  The recycle bin is near my garage door and I could toss unwanted mail right away.  Then important mail would be deposited in the cute basket on top of the dryer.

Well it worked through the first half of the year.  The economy sucked so the junk mail was waaaaaay down.  But for the last three months it has been slowly climbing.  Which results for me a mountain of mail.  As I get more stressed about the mail, I will begin pulling the bills out (I hope) pay those and toss the rest of the mail in the basket.  The result are piles, the basket was over flowing so I had to add a couple of grocery bags.  I can't just throw things in the recycle bin...I have to tear the parts that has my name and shred them.  I can be nuts.

After letting it grow for 3 months it requires a system and about 1 1/2 hours.  The mail get piled on the table (I had to clear the table 3 times to get through it all) in the paper bags go the recycled paper that does not have my name.  The papers on the floor all have our names on them and are to be shred.  I have a small pile that are bills or things that need to be dealt with and a bigger pile of paper that need to be filed.

I found my AAA cards in the pile, I had paid that bill in Sept and they sent new cards...of course I had no idea because they were buried on the dryer.  Now I can actually clean the lint trap on my dryer! 

Mail would be more fun if you actually got letters from real people on pretty stationary...or if someone would send you money.  Or Ed McMahon would tell you that you won...but I think he died so maybe I wouldn't want to win anything from him.

Love GPS

When it comes to love and family it is better to go manual than electronic.  What I mean by that is, if you pay attention to all the instructions and detail that are required to use an electronic GPS you can still end up lost.  Sometimes it is better to remember the simple things, 2 real people.

Another couple from Alabama got lost on the same road that the family from San Francisco did a couple of years ago in which the father died searching for a way out.  This recent couple used their car GPS.

Greg and I were talking about our move to Oregon.  Oct. 31, 1988 Greg is escorted out of work at 5 PM with his final paycheck.  No notice, no party, no severcence package...a new company had just taken over his and the Vice-President was let go.  Arrives home to his family, wife, 8 yr old son and 5 month old son.  Next day, I high tail it to the hospital and get my job back ( I had quit to be a stay at home mother) and Greg with little time to feel any shock, is now home schooling the 8 yrs old while taking care of the 5 month old. In the first week, we had made the decision to move. I took a 5 day trip around the Pacific Northwest with a 5 month old baby trying to decide where I wanted to move because Greg's first and only choice was Bend and well...mine was anywhere but Bend.  I came back secure at least for the moment that Bend was the logical place.  So in less than two months from "don't let the door hit you in the ass on the way out" we had decided where to move. Greg had made a trip with a friend to Bend and secured a rental for us to live (Sisters. I found a job in Redmond.  We had sold our house, packed up 8 years of living in our little farm house, said good bye to family and friends...arriving in the snow covered landscape on Dec. 26th.

In less than two months our lives had changed...but, how did this all fall into place...manual  GPS.  In retrospect, we knew one thing, being apart never was a consideration.  Without that huge elephant in the room our total focus was how to move a family forward.  Manual GPS takes two people, one to drive...one to provide direction.  Our "togetherness" was a given, no discussion, no...what is best for me...no "my needs or wants."  By leaving this one item out of the picture we provided ourselves with the "strength in numbers" concept.  We could see ahead clearer because it always included all of us...no if and or buts.

Dr. Enzo Ferrari

I think my dog has a degree is happiness.  I will start calling him Dr. Enzo.  There is something about dogs...they make you laugh, they listen to every word you say...as long as it doesn't include the word, NO.

I think as children we were like dogs and then we grew up understanding and seeing all the supposed difficulties of life.  If only we could hang on to that joy that every dog has for the simple things...like a pat on the head or fresh fallen snow.

Who else is blissfully asleep with their head on your feet...dreaming that it is the best smell they have ever taken in?  Who else wants to be in conversation with you while you are taking a poop. When you leave the house who else will lie his head on your dirty clothes waiting for you to return.

They say a dog loves you more than they love themselves...I believe it, and if you listen they will tell you the secret to happiness is to find joy in the simple things.