To Trust or Not to Trust

I was raised with conflicting views, on the one hand I was raised by an open, loving man who sought the best in people. It has led me to live my life without strangers. Everyone is a potential person in my life,one way or the other. I will talk to strangers in line, shopping, class...well the list could go on and on. During the same period of life I was raised to know that life could change at a moments notice and that people would turn against me if only for my cultural background. I was protected both physically and emotionally from the possible pain that could happen. I grew up in a time where prejudice against anyone who was different existed. And so I was placed in a educationally protected environment, not allowed to join certain clubs and associated with "safe" people. With all of this protection the world still creeps in and so I experienced overt racial prejudice, but in my life time I have reached a place where a person of color is President.

It is with these changes of events that I am going to try and move my safety net a little further out. For me this is huge, in that I have over a life time created scenarios in my head for every event and that consumes too much time. Even little things...if a trust issue over a small event has occurred I can move it to the top of my "be careful of this person" list. I have little tolerance for humans who I don't trust, when in fact they are just being humans and sometimes mistakes happen and grace is needed on both sides.

Sure there will still be emotionally dangerous people who I will continue to sail around which is what sailors do...they sail around the storm but enjoy the ocean.

Update BB: Actually there is no update...I am still trying to figure it out.

$$$$$$$

It was an interesting Black Friday. I usually do not shop on this day because of the crowds but I do like the holiday feel of being out and about with the holiday feeling floating around. This year I am in Portland and so the son's sweethearts and myself went out and hit Macy's at 7 am. I was ready for the crowds and instead found myself on the trolley car alone and then when I got off I was several blocks from Macy's and it was dark and quiet. As I walked along I realized I was a little turned around and so was directed by cell phone by Greg towards the store (what did we do before cells). A little nervous I was amazed that I was alone. Occasionally I would wake up a homeless person in a doorway and exchange greetings. Jenn was coming towards Macy's from the PSU campus and Sarah was taking the MAX in from Beaverton. Well...there were no crowds, sort disconcerting because the reality is people do not have as much to spend. Great for us because there were no lines, service was great and we were done in less then 30 minutes!

It was the best Black Friday shopping I had experienced because I am more of a small store person then the mall type. I am basically an introvert and so I like those more intimate shopping experiences then the big crowds. Spending the rest of the morning with Connor always gives me a warm feeling. In the afternoon Greg and I headed to my favorite area 23rd street where we people watched and stimulated the economy. We did our part!

Update Battle of the Bulge: OK, the shrimp running on the treadmill is pissing me off! I can't run for 4+ hours although after a weekend of yummy holiday goodies and of course a stop at Moonstruck Chocolate...well it is to bad i am allergy to shell fish otherwise I would eat that shrimp and call it good.

Pillow Talk

I survived Thanksgiving Day! I not only survived I had a wonderful time. I love the fact that people from different walks and talks can enjoy each others company. It is an interesting time in my life in that for the first time we were traveling to our adult children. So remember my previous blog about parental nugget...well we hit the gold mine! Hosted by my oldest with his sweetheart and son, the guest list included a couple of her siblings, her dad, step mom, stepbrother, my youngest, his sweetheart and us. The conversation was light, interesting, funny and the food was fabulous. There are definitely recipes to be exchanged.

The best part was to see our 2 sons and their sweethearts in relationship. Life does not have to be decisive or competitive, it can be filled with acceptance and love. This is a gift to both of us because we, in our bumbling efforts to parent created a space unlike our own childhoods where family could be in relationship and walk away with no battle wounds. Each generation learns from the previous, takes the good and leaves the bad and so it moves forward.

Update Battle of the Bulge: Well it was not as bad as years passed but I am telling you Sarah's sister Becky makes a stuffing that is a work of art, the turkey was so moist and yummy and there was so much dessert!!!!!!!!! My friend Martha would have loved every bite as I did.

Today

T = thankful for....
H = health and home
A = abilities
N = Nozze de Greg and Anna
K = kookies
S = spell check
G = goodness of man
I = me, you, I
V = vision
I = you, me and I...hummm
N = nuts
G = great friends

Update Battle of the Bulge: Happy Thanksgiving, I am skipping the battle today but the war is still on!

Get Ready it's Almost Here!

It is the holiday that Hollywood makes movies about, the one where every one gets together and you can feel the love rising in the heat off the turkey. I spent years dreaming of that table in the Norman Rockwell painting where the multi generational family is seated around the absolutely beautiful Martha Stewart turkey (did you notice how I named dropped my new girlfriend!)

It never happened at my house. First of all our table was filled with immigrants. So our table not only had a dried out turkey because my mother was raised eating fish but also included kim chee, fish, seaweed...of course my dad being Caucasian had to have the regulars so my mother made Elmer's glue mashed potatoes, dried turkey and all the other side dishes. From a young child's perspective it was all exciting. As I grew older I noticed that my family didn't watch football, our entertainment was of the Holly Hunter variety...it was the beginning of the season to air all your grievances against anyone sitting at the table....oh yeah...they were captured by the intent of a perfect holiday but it was actually a time to get together and express yourself.

So for me Thanksgiving came to be a day where you turned on the Thanksgiving Day Parade to drown out the conversation and you ate until you lost your hearing. It is a difficult holiday because you have gotten to lighten the emotional load but you only had so many days to make up for your "High Speed Come Apart" before Christmas so you'd get presents.

I know the Thanksgiving of my youth was not uncommon, otherwise Hollywood wouldn't be making movies on the subject. I do have fond memories that included the multicultural aspects of my life and they always bring warm memories of my dad, who passed on to me the love of all things holiday.

Update Battle of the Bulge: I feel a little lighter today, I didn't have any vertigo at work (major plus) and I think my boobs look smaller today.

Girlfriend or Not?

Before I start today's blog I am making it known that at the end of each blog I am going to give a short update on my battle against the bulge.

So girlfriend or not....Girlfriends are the best thing in the entire universe. The issue these days is that time, family and work get in the way of girlfriend time. So you have to be creative in talking with your girlfriends. Email makes it easier, I have one friend who has 2 e-mail addresses in which I can send a connection note. I still grieve how little time there is for girlfriends. They are different then sisters, mom's, aunts or any other female on the face of the world...because girlfriends are a reflection of yourself, you chose them for a variety of reasons. It could be that they have similar views on life, men or children...or maybe they enjoy the same pass times. Sometimes in conversation if you really pay attention to the underlying movements of their skin and eyes you can see an answer you won't get from anyone else.

One of the really awesome parts of the girlfriend relationship is forgiveness, rarely do you have to kill or divorce a girlfriend. Yeah, it happens on the rare occasion but for the most part if you have chosen wisely they are there forever. The hard part is that in this day and age you just don't have enough time to connect as much as you would like to, so you either wait patiently for the girlfriend time or you pick up a new girlfriend....

Which brings me to my new girlfriend...she is intelligent, well traveled, pretty, cooks well, is available a lot! Her name is Martha...oh yeah I am talking Martha Stewart! Yesterday I was running errands listening to Satellite radio and Martha was taking calls about Thanksgiving Day preparations. Since I was feeling girlfriend lonely I immediately called and had...SHUT UP...a very nice conversation with Martha...OH YEAH...I could feel the love and connections. She was encouraging about my plans for Thanksgiving! I hope she doesn't see one of my previous blogs about how her complexion must be so nice because of her jail time.....

And so all I can say is Oprah...eat your heart out, you've never answered one of my e-mails and I have official moved on to a new girlfriend!!!!!!!

Battle of the Bulge: Did pretty good yesterday except for the second handful of tortilla chips (they were organic) I slept better but today is the real test I am working in an area where food is not allowed!!!!!!!!!!!!

Is That My Stomach Growling???

My primary care provider told me I am carrying too much weight. This is a reality I have been living with for a couple of years. I have lost a substantial amount of weight before and as suggested by her I shouldn't reinvent the wheel but do what was successful before.

Here is where I throw a tantrum!

I don't want to do what I did before! I want to be like every body else who is able to eat an apple without gaining any weight!!!!!!! But the reality is that America is fatter than they have ever been and that girl who was able to stuff her face and not gain a pound is harder to find. Besides the fact that my body is just not like that...I am going to gain weight if I eat 1 to many apples let alone a bowl of chocolate.

So when I was in her office spouting the number of hours spent in exercise and the fact that I eat healthy whole foods...she quietly said I was eating too much...well shut up, which is what I did because what can one say to the truth!

So today although I am not going back to weighing and measuring every morsel, I am embarking on a journey to listen to the 2 parts of my body that have gotten me into this mess, my stomach and my brain. I am a habitual eater, healthy foods yes but my brain says to eat every 3 hours because she cannot stand the growling that goes on from my stomach. I can feel panic if I start to feel hungry. A gift from my parents who at different times in their lives starved. Of course I have never starved but carry on the family tradition as a good daughter should. And there is the fact that food means more to me than nourishment, it is love, pain, fear and contentment. My brain and stomach wage a war that takes no prisoners.

How to understand 2 vastly different entities (my brain and stomach) and their approach to food. It is like learning a foreign language. This week I have decided to eat when I am hungry and to eat only until I don't feel hungry not until I am full. A book I read called The Blue Zone states that in blue zones where people live a healthier longer life they eat only until they aren't hungry any more not until they feel full. This results in a 30% less calorie intake. That means I have to get my brain and my stomach to work together for the greater good.

I also have a feeling that my eyes are siding with either the brain or stomach depending on who is working in it's best interest...much like Switzerland. So I am going to eat half of what I normally do, which means I will make half a sandwich instead of a whole one, that way my stomach can learn to eat until I don't feel hungry not until I feel full. It is all very confusing too me but I am bound and determined to figure out who is talking to whom and how I ended up with this chocolate candy in my mouth!

Live Laugh Love

A dear friend gave me a porcelain plate that had Live, Laugh, Love which we have seen written on all manner of items over the last few years. The difference is around the plate it doesn't settle for the obvious but says I must Live Fearlessly, Laugh Joyfully and Love Tenderly. I see this plate each day and have begun to try and use it as a mantra in approaching the day. Some days are easier than others but even the days that are hard they are made easier by the mantra.

How does one live fearlessly in a world filled with fear....start by looking every one you meet straight in the eye. Do you actually look the grocery clerk in the eye when wishing them a good day?

How do you laugh joyfully in a world where so many are crying...hang out with a bunch of little kids. Yesterday Greg, Robin and I went to family/friends breakfast at my cousins and I can tell you nothings is more joyful then a bunch of little kids. Branch out and start hanging with a younger crowd!

How do you love tenderly in a world where hate is held so fiercely...spread kindness, speak only kind words, physically touch another with kindness whether it be a handshake or hug, take the time to say something kind to each person you meet.

Parental Nuggets

Since our children were born we have sought parental nuggets. I listen to other parents and they have the same longings. It is those moments that make us feel good about being a parent and that we actually are doing a good job. Once we take on the responsibility of another human being our path of emotional well being is interwoven with another. And so it starts, we wait patiently for the first moment when we are given a signal that we are good parents...the baby smiles! We must be fabulous parents because the baby smiled and it surely must be because the baby is happy about us! Hook, line and sinker. From then on we wait for the nuggets.

As our children grow the nuggets get farther and farther apart, they take on more complex reason. We watch how they play with other, do they share, are they kind....and we compare with other children. Parents can take a beating during these years and for the most part it is our own doing because we not only focus on our own children but any nugget we gain can be diminished by a nugget being received by another parent. Why is my child a brat and bites, why can't my child play music well....and for some powerful reason we take on the burden of all that our children are or are not. It is an interesting time for parents because we take on the god complex...somehow everything is our fault or because of our abilities. We can lose sight that our children are independent on a really basic level from the day they are born and yes we can influence them but truly they are who they are.

As children grow into adulthood the nuggets have more meaning because they are given with intent. But I find it interesting that because of all the history of nuggets given randomly without intent by our children that when they are adults we knee jerk to the nugget. Case in point....a woman I know son gave her and her husband they most wonderful nugget. He is away at a prestigious college and as a freshman was on a televised soccer game. He made the only goal and won the game for his team and to the camera from across the states said hi to his parents in Oregon. She and her husband were so proud and were jumping and screaming. She told every person she met the story. When she was telling me it was with the same excitement as if she had just heard her son....when I congratulated her and said these are really sweet parental moments, her response was well...she was waiting for the other shoe to drop...that every time he did something great it was followed by something not so great. WHAT THE HEY??? We do not give ourselves the gift of holding each nugget as it's own jewel but judge ourselves by everything and we wonder why parents look so insecure.

Yesterday I received a nugget from each son which I shared with their father so we could sit in the warm glow of the heat that the nugget gives. I put some money in our younger son's account at college and received an e-mail that I had been naughty and that I should keep our money for ourselves that he was getting paid today. When the older son arrived back to his home he called and I asked him what he wanted for Christmas this year? He said nothing, that we had done so much for him this past year and he appreciated it so much that he didn't want us to get him a present.

Hummm, can you feel the warmth...nuggets give off heat that you can save for later when you need the warmth.

I'm Dying.

But have a new commitment to living. Sounds like an oxymoron but yesterday I had my annual check up that I have avoided for over 2 years and came away with a renewed vigor for living.

Most of my comprehending years have been spent in the knowledge that life can end unexpectedly. My dad dropped dead 2 days after his 49th birthday. This week a well know outdoors journalist dropped dead at 50....so I have approached life with fear and only as I approached my 50's did I gain a zest for living. In my 40's I made a life list that I have been experiencing. But for the last year I have let my life get out of balance. One of the obvious ways was ignoring my body. Avoiding my check ups...it had been over 2 years since I had a mammogram and at least that since I had had a pap and check up done. Letting worry take up most of my free time instead of day dreaming.

So I slowly have been making my way back to a fine balance, got a mammogram which was OK, have had 3 acupuncture treatments which have been a wonderful experience, made an appointment with a new massage therapist in December and best of all made my first yearly physical in the last 3 years. It is the check up that has had the biggest impact. I get my check ups with the most interesting nurse practitioner. She speaks to my heart in a way that creates new winkles on the surface of my brain. She walks the same path and knows. She speaks not only of the body but the mind and so I listen on both an emotional and cellular level.

She told me I am dying....that we all are dying so why not make take each day with a zest for living. Those words moved through my system and were picked up by every cell. I felt synapses firing and I knew that life was going to take an adventurous turn. And while I had felt tired, sad and worried when I went in...knowing I was dying has left me happy, refreshed and longing for adventure because I know no longer have to worry about dying....what a hoot.