Sweet Summer Dream

Daydreaming...which I learned from Greg...gives you the gift of courage. It is when you brain free floats with ideas that you may not have considered in a more alert state. In a daydream state you consider possibilities.

As the sky and everything around turns yellow with pine dust you consider how powerful pollen is, even though it is a light as air and is blown around by the wind. The new growth that survived the winter gives you pause on how something so delicate, is yet so strong. The blue birds nesting in the birdhouse is an example of commitment to procreate thus providing for the weak and young...so goes the daydreaming.

I've moved the bird feeders around is my attempt to thwart the squirrels and yet they are challenged and continue to find ways to get the food. The chatter and curse at me...waving their paws...I think with a 3rd finger pointed at me!

The golfers attempt to get that ball over the hill and bounce within a couple of swings of the hole...and yet they continue to hit the trees, houses, their own carts and their friends...only to have the courage to come out and try again.

And so, daydreaming has brought me to this moment where I think I can bake a Blueberry Rhubarb Pie to take to a friend's house...we'll see if my daydreaming is powerful enough to make pie and keep friends.

Dog Anxiety

I am having dog anxiety. I can see why new parents now days have anxiety. There are thousands of books that tell you the right way to raise a child and most are telling you that you are doing it the wrong way. In fact by the shear volume of choices in the "raising a child" section you feel inadequate.

Enter the dog isle of the book store. Holy Moly...the first line of my new puppy book asks if you are ready to be totally responsible for the life of a new family member...I'm going to puke.

When I had my first child I barely connected the dots....add #1 to #2 and you could get #3...With my second child I had learned that definitely adding #1 and #2 will equal #4...that's advanced math.

But the last few years have been more about subtraction. Subtraction makes life simpler, in some ways better...in some ways just less. Now we are back into addition mode and I am having morning sickness, anxiety...will I be a good dog owner...nesting ( I have forced myself to stay out of the Pet Express...but the book tells me I have to buy a "few things" ahead of time).

But dang...the bottom line is, he is adorable and what I do know is that a dog will carry your heart until you or he dies.

Cotton Balls

It is amazing that the world has changed so much that the prime example of that change is a cotton ball.

This week while drawing blood from patients for labs I noticed that the cotton balls are half the size they used to be. It is a small example of how I have to do my job with less. When I picked up the cotton ball I thought I must have cotton ball rejected (even the patient laughed) and so I looked through the pile...but alas they were all looking up at me small, weak and waiting. The first time I used one I realized it really wouldn't do the job adequately, that there was risk to a small cotton ball....so I used 2. Now 2 seems to be a little too big but was better than one. So we are faced in a variety of ways with the choices being taken out of our hands and having to work and live with the "cost cutting measures" of doing more with less...which some times really costs more, working the same or harder with fewer co-workers.

Yesterday I felt the demoralizing reality of my co-workers realizing they can't meet their own standards...the code they work by that makes them feel good about their jobs. I am in a quandary as to how to make it better but I do know that the cotton balls in the drawers at work all feel the same way.

Stopping Time

It is already the end of May and 7 more days it will be June! It is said over and over again by people I know and those in passing, that time is flying. How can it be June already? It is not only older folks who are chanting the mantra but the young.

Time Keeps on Slippin', Slippin', Slippin' into the Future.....

It has been speculated that time keeps increasing momentum because every part of our lives has changed so that we can accomplish more with less investment of time. We have microwaves to defrost food, convection oven to cook faster, bluetooth so we can talk while we do other things, computers to send greetings....faster, faster, faster.

What IF???? Time could be slowed down....what if we can grab our life and make is last longer and sweeter....what if we could savor a moment???

What if we decide that every moment needs our total attention and in return we are given time. Instead of woofing down our lunch, taste each bite. Enjoying the outdoors when we are pulling weeds rather than thinking of the 20 things that still need to be done...what if we enjoyed the moment.

I woke myself up last night laughing out loud in a dream...I can't remember what I was dreaming but I remember how good it felt to laugh out loud.

Today I start living in the seconds because I don't want December to roll around and be standing in my home saying, "Where did this year go?" I want to be standing in my home in December and be saying, "This moment is sweet."

May 22!!!!!!!!

I can't believe how time passes! It is a constant challenge to hold on to time and I have heard that is it like sand slipping between your fingers but to me is like Chinese food...you have a lot of it but it doesn't fill you up. Weird thought???

Lots has happened in the world around me. I didn't realize this last year was so hard on me until I decided to adopt a puppy. The shear excitement and joy was something I hadn't felt in a while. So, the very idea of the puppy made me realize that I would like to pay more attention to my life and to create more joy.

I have been enjoying the visit with my sister and BIL and always when family and friends get together and you throw in a couple of giggly girls and top it off with some cute babies...life can't get any sweeter.

Sleep is getting better, mostly because I am not fighting it with the "shoulds" and "have toos" but letting it be what it is, a time to rejuvenate.

It is family and friends that fill the reservoir of your soul so you can stand up to the whirl wind of people, their heart aches and troubles coming out the other side knowing you are not alone.

Overshare

2008 Word of the Year by Webster's New World Dictionary. Oversharing is "to divulge excessive personal information, as in a blog or broadcast interview, prompting reactions ranging from alarmed discomfort to approval." According to Froma Harrop, oversharing can easily morph into exhibitionism. You only have to pick up and read ANY periodical or newspaper and you can read and see the intimate details of the subjects. Those that are already famous must need to have even more attention. If a previous headliner is no longer seen on a regular basis...it is only a matter of time that we see a video of them drunk, drugged out, going in and out of rehab or writing a memoir or cookbook.

It used to be that "15 minutes" of fame was a rarity, thus exciting. But now everyone can have their 15 minutes of fame, U Tube alone displays millions of souls longing to be seen. They are willing to pervert themselves in order to reach U Tube stardom. But it is, what it is...15 minutes, so, you are driven to seek even more flamboyant ways to get that feeling again.

Now, when your husband screws around on you...you write an autobiography. Because of course we have evolved to become a society of voyeurs, watching reality shows or web cast of the everyday life of people whose lives are 2 dimensional...who make us feel better about our own boring lives where we get up, go to work, love our families, gather with friends...OK, a little sarcasm.

"people in old-fashioned communities have close friends with whom they can share their inner thoughts and do crazy things. A study by sociologist at Duke University and the university of Arizona found that most American adults have only two acquaintances with who they can discuss intimate matters." Now, we can divulge huge amounts of information via television, periodicals, the net without realizing the repercussions.

So here I am typing away on a blog, read by who knows who....but like a prisoner of war of the world wide web...I will only give you my name and serial number....maybe just my name.

Reflection of a life...

...or is it a reflection of how we are choosing to live??? When I look in the mirror I see a person who is alive but how am I choosing to live? Today I went to a meeting attended by people from all over the hospital. What I noticed was a reflection of myself...someone who has let the day to day life affect how I treat myself. Today, I saw what letting stress and choices tip life ever so slightly out of balance.

Whether it be the economy, marriage, children or work...letting the stress occupy more space will be obvious to others. Some were larger than the last time I had seen them, some were tired looking, some looked gaunt...but out of a meeting full of people only one looked well. I felt like this room of people were carrying their choices on the outside and didn't leave any space for examination on the inside.

It is a wake up call for me. A room full of people who had basically decided to shorten their life span because of stress.

Should have and have too

I have been working towards a higher existence, one that is of my own design. But it was this past weekend, listening to my nephew that I am ready to take the next step of freedom. It is in conversation with someone who is on the same path that can give you the door to another room in your life.

This movement of the soul is not one that can happen by design but must be felt and embraced. Today I move my soul towards a place where there are less should have or have too. I believe that when you open the door to possibilities that you can experience a place where the experience is pure. It is not colored by the should have and the have too. The should have and have too bring a history of what we have been taught by our parents.

On the other hand the What If bring possibility of growth and adventure. If you chose to go to work not because you have too...or you should have...then you show up with an open heart.

Today I had a list of have too, having been away from home for 4 days and taking an extra day off for the have too, I decided to see What If???? So I went to the grocery store and on the way home ran into a handy man. He said he would love to look at the areas where I need a gate and stairs built. Then I enjoyed a day of sleeping....yes...sleeping. I took naps on an off all day! The phone kept waking me up and I was able to solve a variety of issues and fall right back to sleep. I always thought if I slept this much I would lose a day...but...today a day of sleep helped me gain a life.

On The Road Again

As predicted, enjoying the journey can bring you peace. We are a goal driven society. We set up our lives with the shoulds and have toos...life can unfold in a beautiful way if we stop looking at the goal but view the space we inhabit moment to moment.

When I am aware in the true sense, I see and meet life in the most amazing way. I have not only listened to a incredible young man but heard what occurs between the listening. The true message does not lie where the words reside, but between the words and between the sentences.

I have been told I am intuitive, insightful and aware. For most, the words mean only what is defined by the dictionary. For me it is what occurs between these words that has meaning. It is not something I am gifted with...in fact, it is something that exists from the moment of conception for everyone. The only difference between myself and the next person, is the desire not to let the rules and pace of life interfere with my desire to hear between the words. It has been what resides between words that has been my salvation.

I do believe that listening and truly hearing are two different things and although lost to many, I believe you can regain this skill. The more people that can hear between the words, the more peace can occur, on a family, community and world level.

Anna-lytical

What a hoot! This morning I was telling Greg about a person I have been working with for the last two days. Challenging at best and fascinating in the person's way of moving through life. Greg said, "That's what we should call you, Anna-lytical."

Any way, I am on the "road again" and it has given me pause to think about the analogy of being on the road and life.

I am really looking forward to the 8+hour drive. It is going to be relaxing, I have a couple of books on CD and beautiful scenery. On the other hand I am reticent about the final destination. Visiting family comes with all the joys and the heartache that are tied up with a pretty bow of history.

That is reflective of life, the journey is what we should savor. If we do, the destination may bring us peace.

Choices

Choices govern our lives. Do we eat the cookie or not. I watched a friend eat an Oreo cookie yesterday with a longing curiosity. I wondered what it would feel like to just pick a cookie up and eat it without a second thought. Now with braces on, every bite is a choice. I know if I want to eat something it requires me to take my braces off, eat, brush and floss my teeth, clean my braces and put them back in....way to much work for a cookie. So, some of my choices these days are lived through others.

On the other hand there are choices people make that change their entire life and the ones around them. It is with tragic results that you listen more to your longings, whether it be for more sleep, peace of mind, love...and you make the wrong choice.

I guess it goes back to which part of your brain is running the show...is it the old reptilian brain who only is satisfied in the moment...with that good 'ol crazy feeling.

Cinco de Mayo

My very favorite story about Cinco de Mayo was a couple of years ago when Greg and I were sitting in the bar at El Cap East. It was November and the bar was decorated due to independence day, a man walked in and asked if the decorations were up for Cinco de Mayo! LOL Good laugh for us all but he was serious.

In fact Cinco de Mayo is a day celebrated to commemorate the date in 1862, the Mexican army defeated the French at the Battle of Puebla, despite being outnumbered and ill-equipped. Or maybe it is just a reason to celebrate the margarita.

Although not being of Mexican heritage, it is still one of my favorite holidays. Although this year with our budget constantly making itself aware we refuse to give up our celebration. So instead of going out, I have decorated our table with a colorful Mexican themed table topper and this evening Greg is making my favorite fish tacos and margaritas. Feliz Cinco de Mayo!

Human Zoo

I read an article this morning about the human zoo. It turned out not to be about what I thought it was but in fact, really hit the mark.

Our lives are so transitory, we rush around saying...hi, how are you...without slowing down to hear the answer. We keep getting more disconnected as technology marches forward. I can now carry on business while on vacation. I am only a cell phone away from making a business decision. Case in point...I was enjoying a weekend with the girlfriends and received 8 phones calls which required a business decision. I was happy on Sat. because the office was closed!

I am skeptical about putting a lot of personal information out on the world wide web...and there are certainly people in my past that I would not want to "reconnect" with. So My Space or Facebook are totally not on my radar. It was a challenge to learn how to text so I could keep in contact with my children but there are times I long to hear their voice. There is so much that is lost when you don't have a voice to hear the joy, pain, fear, longing...all the little icons don't quite measure up to hearing the human voice.

Some feel pressured to participate in the social network, it's like... not being picked for the team. You might miss something or god forbid there is a chance that you contact someone and they don't want to be your friend! Yikes, to be shut out by someone on the world wide web...what a slam!

"They" (who ever they are) keep coming up with new ways and new labels to gets us hooked. I think it may be a conspiracy by big business to know everything about our every choices and thoughts, so they can call us up and try to update the warranty on our car or get us a lower interest rate on our credit cards...cause god knows they found us on the cutely named site called Twitter....

Family

In the oriental culture family is everything. You represent your family in life. Family is more important than friends. Blood is everything.

What I have found is that family are those you love whether they are related or not. Those you trust. Those you long to share dreams, hardships and food with.

Today was family breakfast day at our house. The family that arrived was my cousin and family, uncle of my cousin's family, best friend, her son, her boyfriend and we were blessed with the company of our younger son. It is a connection in a transitory society that I treasure. Little girls and babies can always make the world look brighter.

My brother in law 30+ years ago gave me a book called "The Family of Man" and what I know is this, your family is made up of those people that rest in the heart, whether they are related or not and sometimes your blood relatives will bring along those that are part of their family and if you open your heart, your family grows.

Happy Birthday Dad

Today is my dad's birthday. He died in 1978. I had been married a total of 7 1/2 months. He was the most interesting person I have know. He was a voracious reader, getting up at 0400 every morning to read. His choice of book was eclectic. He was a romantic. He was a father who kept you on your toes. He worked very hard. He made sure you had adventure. He was a tender soul. He had an 8th grade education. He went on to make a small fortune through smart choices and failures. He longed to go to college. When he was in his early 40's he finally started going back to school. He was well liked and sought out as a friend and confidant by many. Family was everything to him. He was a sailor and dreamed of sailing around the world. He died 2 days after his birthday...never making it to 50. He was my best friend, a challenging father and the one who I knew always loved me.

I miss you.