To Trust or Not to Trust

I was raised with conflicting views, on the one hand I was raised by an open, loving man who sought the best in people. It has led me to live my life without strangers. Everyone is a potential person in my life,one way or the other. I will talk to strangers in line, shopping, class...well the list could go on and on. During the same period of life I was raised to know that life could change at a moments notice and that people would turn against me if only for my cultural background. I was protected both physically and emotionally from the possible pain that could happen. I grew up in a time where prejudice against anyone who was different existed. And so I was placed in a educationally protected environment, not allowed to join certain clubs and associated with "safe" people. With all of this protection the world still creeps in and so I experienced overt racial prejudice, but in my life time I have reached a place where a person of color is President.

It is with these changes of events that I am going to try and move my safety net a little further out. For me this is huge, in that I have over a life time created scenarios in my head for every event and that consumes too much time. Even little things...if a trust issue over a small event has occurred I can move it to the top of my "be careful of this person" list. I have little tolerance for humans who I don't trust, when in fact they are just being humans and sometimes mistakes happen and grace is needed on both sides.

Sure there will still be emotionally dangerous people who I will continue to sail around which is what sailors do...they sail around the storm but enjoy the ocean.

Update BB: Actually there is no update...I am still trying to figure it out.

$$$$$$$

It was an interesting Black Friday. I usually do not shop on this day because of the crowds but I do like the holiday feel of being out and about with the holiday feeling floating around. This year I am in Portland and so the son's sweethearts and myself went out and hit Macy's at 7 am. I was ready for the crowds and instead found myself on the trolley car alone and then when I got off I was several blocks from Macy's and it was dark and quiet. As I walked along I realized I was a little turned around and so was directed by cell phone by Greg towards the store (what did we do before cells). A little nervous I was amazed that I was alone. Occasionally I would wake up a homeless person in a doorway and exchange greetings. Jenn was coming towards Macy's from the PSU campus and Sarah was taking the MAX in from Beaverton. Well...there were no crowds, sort disconcerting because the reality is people do not have as much to spend. Great for us because there were no lines, service was great and we were done in less then 30 minutes!

It was the best Black Friday shopping I had experienced because I am more of a small store person then the mall type. I am basically an introvert and so I like those more intimate shopping experiences then the big crowds. Spending the rest of the morning with Connor always gives me a warm feeling. In the afternoon Greg and I headed to my favorite area 23rd street where we people watched and stimulated the economy. We did our part!

Update Battle of the Bulge: OK, the shrimp running on the treadmill is pissing me off! I can't run for 4+ hours although after a weekend of yummy holiday goodies and of course a stop at Moonstruck Chocolate...well it is to bad i am allergy to shell fish otherwise I would eat that shrimp and call it good.

Pillow Talk

I survived Thanksgiving Day! I not only survived I had a wonderful time. I love the fact that people from different walks and talks can enjoy each others company. It is an interesting time in my life in that for the first time we were traveling to our adult children. So remember my previous blog about parental nugget...well we hit the gold mine! Hosted by my oldest with his sweetheart and son, the guest list included a couple of her siblings, her dad, step mom, stepbrother, my youngest, his sweetheart and us. The conversation was light, interesting, funny and the food was fabulous. There are definitely recipes to be exchanged.

The best part was to see our 2 sons and their sweethearts in relationship. Life does not have to be decisive or competitive, it can be filled with acceptance and love. This is a gift to both of us because we, in our bumbling efforts to parent created a space unlike our own childhoods where family could be in relationship and walk away with no battle wounds. Each generation learns from the previous, takes the good and leaves the bad and so it moves forward.

Update Battle of the Bulge: Well it was not as bad as years passed but I am telling you Sarah's sister Becky makes a stuffing that is a work of art, the turkey was so moist and yummy and there was so much dessert!!!!!!!!! My friend Martha would have loved every bite as I did.

Today

T = thankful for....
H = health and home
A = abilities
N = Nozze de Greg and Anna
K = kookies
S = spell check
G = goodness of man
I = me, you, I
V = vision
I = you, me and I...hummm
N = nuts
G = great friends

Update Battle of the Bulge: Happy Thanksgiving, I am skipping the battle today but the war is still on!

Get Ready it's Almost Here!

It is the holiday that Hollywood makes movies about, the one where every one gets together and you can feel the love rising in the heat off the turkey. I spent years dreaming of that table in the Norman Rockwell painting where the multi generational family is seated around the absolutely beautiful Martha Stewart turkey (did you notice how I named dropped my new girlfriend!)

It never happened at my house. First of all our table was filled with immigrants. So our table not only had a dried out turkey because my mother was raised eating fish but also included kim chee, fish, seaweed...of course my dad being Caucasian had to have the regulars so my mother made Elmer's glue mashed potatoes, dried turkey and all the other side dishes. From a young child's perspective it was all exciting. As I grew older I noticed that my family didn't watch football, our entertainment was of the Holly Hunter variety...it was the beginning of the season to air all your grievances against anyone sitting at the table....oh yeah...they were captured by the intent of a perfect holiday but it was actually a time to get together and express yourself.

So for me Thanksgiving came to be a day where you turned on the Thanksgiving Day Parade to drown out the conversation and you ate until you lost your hearing. It is a difficult holiday because you have gotten to lighten the emotional load but you only had so many days to make up for your "High Speed Come Apart" before Christmas so you'd get presents.

I know the Thanksgiving of my youth was not uncommon, otherwise Hollywood wouldn't be making movies on the subject. I do have fond memories that included the multicultural aspects of my life and they always bring warm memories of my dad, who passed on to me the love of all things holiday.

Update Battle of the Bulge: I feel a little lighter today, I didn't have any vertigo at work (major plus) and I think my boobs look smaller today.

Girlfriend or Not?

Before I start today's blog I am making it known that at the end of each blog I am going to give a short update on my battle against the bulge.

So girlfriend or not....Girlfriends are the best thing in the entire universe. The issue these days is that time, family and work get in the way of girlfriend time. So you have to be creative in talking with your girlfriends. Email makes it easier, I have one friend who has 2 e-mail addresses in which I can send a connection note. I still grieve how little time there is for girlfriends. They are different then sisters, mom's, aunts or any other female on the face of the world...because girlfriends are a reflection of yourself, you chose them for a variety of reasons. It could be that they have similar views on life, men or children...or maybe they enjoy the same pass times. Sometimes in conversation if you really pay attention to the underlying movements of their skin and eyes you can see an answer you won't get from anyone else.

One of the really awesome parts of the girlfriend relationship is forgiveness, rarely do you have to kill or divorce a girlfriend. Yeah, it happens on the rare occasion but for the most part if you have chosen wisely they are there forever. The hard part is that in this day and age you just don't have enough time to connect as much as you would like to, so you either wait patiently for the girlfriend time or you pick up a new girlfriend....

Which brings me to my new girlfriend...she is intelligent, well traveled, pretty, cooks well, is available a lot! Her name is Martha...oh yeah I am talking Martha Stewart! Yesterday I was running errands listening to Satellite radio and Martha was taking calls about Thanksgiving Day preparations. Since I was feeling girlfriend lonely I immediately called and had...SHUT UP...a very nice conversation with Martha...OH YEAH...I could feel the love and connections. She was encouraging about my plans for Thanksgiving! I hope she doesn't see one of my previous blogs about how her complexion must be so nice because of her jail time.....

And so all I can say is Oprah...eat your heart out, you've never answered one of my e-mails and I have official moved on to a new girlfriend!!!!!!!

Battle of the Bulge: Did pretty good yesterday except for the second handful of tortilla chips (they were organic) I slept better but today is the real test I am working in an area where food is not allowed!!!!!!!!!!!!

Is That My Stomach Growling???

My primary care provider told me I am carrying too much weight. This is a reality I have been living with for a couple of years. I have lost a substantial amount of weight before and as suggested by her I shouldn't reinvent the wheel but do what was successful before.

Here is where I throw a tantrum!

I don't want to do what I did before! I want to be like every body else who is able to eat an apple without gaining any weight!!!!!!! But the reality is that America is fatter than they have ever been and that girl who was able to stuff her face and not gain a pound is harder to find. Besides the fact that my body is just not like that...I am going to gain weight if I eat 1 to many apples let alone a bowl of chocolate.

So when I was in her office spouting the number of hours spent in exercise and the fact that I eat healthy whole foods...she quietly said I was eating too much...well shut up, which is what I did because what can one say to the truth!

So today although I am not going back to weighing and measuring every morsel, I am embarking on a journey to listen to the 2 parts of my body that have gotten me into this mess, my stomach and my brain. I am a habitual eater, healthy foods yes but my brain says to eat every 3 hours because she cannot stand the growling that goes on from my stomach. I can feel panic if I start to feel hungry. A gift from my parents who at different times in their lives starved. Of course I have never starved but carry on the family tradition as a good daughter should. And there is the fact that food means more to me than nourishment, it is love, pain, fear and contentment. My brain and stomach wage a war that takes no prisoners.

How to understand 2 vastly different entities (my brain and stomach) and their approach to food. It is like learning a foreign language. This week I have decided to eat when I am hungry and to eat only until I don't feel hungry not until I am full. A book I read called The Blue Zone states that in blue zones where people live a healthier longer life they eat only until they aren't hungry any more not until they feel full. This results in a 30% less calorie intake. That means I have to get my brain and my stomach to work together for the greater good.

I also have a feeling that my eyes are siding with either the brain or stomach depending on who is working in it's best interest...much like Switzerland. So I am going to eat half of what I normally do, which means I will make half a sandwich instead of a whole one, that way my stomach can learn to eat until I don't feel hungry not until I feel full. It is all very confusing too me but I am bound and determined to figure out who is talking to whom and how I ended up with this chocolate candy in my mouth!

Live Laugh Love

A dear friend gave me a porcelain plate that had Live, Laugh, Love which we have seen written on all manner of items over the last few years. The difference is around the plate it doesn't settle for the obvious but says I must Live Fearlessly, Laugh Joyfully and Love Tenderly. I see this plate each day and have begun to try and use it as a mantra in approaching the day. Some days are easier than others but even the days that are hard they are made easier by the mantra.

How does one live fearlessly in a world filled with fear....start by looking every one you meet straight in the eye. Do you actually look the grocery clerk in the eye when wishing them a good day?

How do you laugh joyfully in a world where so many are crying...hang out with a bunch of little kids. Yesterday Greg, Robin and I went to family/friends breakfast at my cousins and I can tell you nothings is more joyful then a bunch of little kids. Branch out and start hanging with a younger crowd!

How do you love tenderly in a world where hate is held so fiercely...spread kindness, speak only kind words, physically touch another with kindness whether it be a handshake or hug, take the time to say something kind to each person you meet.

Parental Nuggets

Since our children were born we have sought parental nuggets. I listen to other parents and they have the same longings. It is those moments that make us feel good about being a parent and that we actually are doing a good job. Once we take on the responsibility of another human being our path of emotional well being is interwoven with another. And so it starts, we wait patiently for the first moment when we are given a signal that we are good parents...the baby smiles! We must be fabulous parents because the baby smiled and it surely must be because the baby is happy about us! Hook, line and sinker. From then on we wait for the nuggets.

As our children grow the nuggets get farther and farther apart, they take on more complex reason. We watch how they play with other, do they share, are they kind....and we compare with other children. Parents can take a beating during these years and for the most part it is our own doing because we not only focus on our own children but any nugget we gain can be diminished by a nugget being received by another parent. Why is my child a brat and bites, why can't my child play music well....and for some powerful reason we take on the burden of all that our children are or are not. It is an interesting time for parents because we take on the god complex...somehow everything is our fault or because of our abilities. We can lose sight that our children are independent on a really basic level from the day they are born and yes we can influence them but truly they are who they are.

As children grow into adulthood the nuggets have more meaning because they are given with intent. But I find it interesting that because of all the history of nuggets given randomly without intent by our children that when they are adults we knee jerk to the nugget. Case in point....a woman I know son gave her and her husband they most wonderful nugget. He is away at a prestigious college and as a freshman was on a televised soccer game. He made the only goal and won the game for his team and to the camera from across the states said hi to his parents in Oregon. She and her husband were so proud and were jumping and screaming. She told every person she met the story. When she was telling me it was with the same excitement as if she had just heard her son....when I congratulated her and said these are really sweet parental moments, her response was well...she was waiting for the other shoe to drop...that every time he did something great it was followed by something not so great. WHAT THE HEY??? We do not give ourselves the gift of holding each nugget as it's own jewel but judge ourselves by everything and we wonder why parents look so insecure.

Yesterday I received a nugget from each son which I shared with their father so we could sit in the warm glow of the heat that the nugget gives. I put some money in our younger son's account at college and received an e-mail that I had been naughty and that I should keep our money for ourselves that he was getting paid today. When the older son arrived back to his home he called and I asked him what he wanted for Christmas this year? He said nothing, that we had done so much for him this past year and he appreciated it so much that he didn't want us to get him a present.

Hummm, can you feel the warmth...nuggets give off heat that you can save for later when you need the warmth.

I'm Dying.

But have a new commitment to living. Sounds like an oxymoron but yesterday I had my annual check up that I have avoided for over 2 years and came away with a renewed vigor for living.

Most of my comprehending years have been spent in the knowledge that life can end unexpectedly. My dad dropped dead 2 days after his 49th birthday. This week a well know outdoors journalist dropped dead at 50....so I have approached life with fear and only as I approached my 50's did I gain a zest for living. In my 40's I made a life list that I have been experiencing. But for the last year I have let my life get out of balance. One of the obvious ways was ignoring my body. Avoiding my check ups...it had been over 2 years since I had a mammogram and at least that since I had had a pap and check up done. Letting worry take up most of my free time instead of day dreaming.

So I slowly have been making my way back to a fine balance, got a mammogram which was OK, have had 3 acupuncture treatments which have been a wonderful experience, made an appointment with a new massage therapist in December and best of all made my first yearly physical in the last 3 years. It is the check up that has had the biggest impact. I get my check ups with the most interesting nurse practitioner. She speaks to my heart in a way that creates new winkles on the surface of my brain. She walks the same path and knows. She speaks not only of the body but the mind and so I listen on both an emotional and cellular level.

She told me I am dying....that we all are dying so why not make take each day with a zest for living. Those words moved through my system and were picked up by every cell. I felt synapses firing and I knew that life was going to take an adventurous turn. And while I had felt tired, sad and worried when I went in...knowing I was dying has left me happy, refreshed and longing for adventure because I know no longer have to worry about dying....what a hoot.

Having a Buddy Does Wonders For The Heart

For me it started in kindergarten. Back then your teacher on the first day of school assigned you a buddy. This was the person who you stood in line with, held hands going out to the playground and making sure you came back in safely. When lunch came you held your buddy's hand and marched to the lunch room. It was a assigned life line to the scary new adventures. No matter how scared you were holding hands made it a little better.

I learned that a buddy didn't even have to be human. When humans were ugly to you a buddy could be an invisible friend or a stuffed animal. Mine was named Henry. An invisible frog who lived in a shoe box in my closet. Every night my dad would put me to bed and the process was made easier by the ritual of putting Henry to bed in my closet. To this day I have an affinity for all things frog. The memory of Henry can bring a smile to my face years later.

There is a sense of connection when you have a buddy. Dogs are great buddies, they are always happy to see you, they like playing and love to share meals. In my neighborhood there are a lot of retired people and a lot of buddies. I think if it wasn't for buddies some of these people would never go outside. So it makes me think that buddies give you courage.

Relationships with another human is the ultimate of the buddy companion. The buddy relationship doesn't happen overnight, it takes kindness and grace. If you can keep focused on those 2 things the buddy relationship can evolve and fill in all the nooks and crannies that have been left empty.

So it is with this thought I give thanks for all the kindness and grace I have been given and I wait patiently for my buddy to come home.

Two Women

I saw two women, one I am related too and one was a stranger. The one I am related too is strong and unwavering in her convictions. She has endured war, hunger and loss. Yet she has continued to live a very full successful life that she will without humility tell you is due to her own effort, intelligence and strength. She has no understanding of the psyche or emotions as they are weaknesses that if left to their own devises will make you weak. She is a mother and yet no confidences are shared with her because she has no empathy.

The other woman, a stranger standing on a street corner. I was stopped luckily on the opposite side at a very long light and so could be a unnoticed observer. She was the same age as the first woman, in her late 60's-70's. Dressed nice, clean, with a handbag hanging over one shoulder. The unusual part of this observation was that she was holding a cardboard sign with a begging message written across. I could tell that people who were stopped all appeared to be in a trance like observation. What the heck...grandma is a begging pan handler! She was the grandma to everyone at that intersection. A young man ran up to her and was talking while another man driving a late model big rig pulled over and gave her a fast food bag. Could we not feel the fear that this could be us!

Or as the first woman says, what a waste. Bad choices were made in her life, married wrong...didn't get an education...living on social security....raised her children to be losers like her....oh I have heard it all and it all has a ring of truth. But what about the story between the judgment. What about life sometimes giving you lemons and you don't have the emotional strength to make lemonade. What if the message she brings to everyone at that intersection is forgiveness, empathy, support and isn't her life worth the fact that she brings that message to us all. We need to extend a hand, we need to look the homeless in the eyes, we need to talk and treat each other as fellow human beings.

I hope I am a woman who has "some" of the traits of the first but has the strength of the second to stand on a corner and make the world think.

Depends or Dependence?

If you are not careful a relationship can foster dependence which in turn can be like wearing a pair of depends.

Maybe someday we are all faced with adding depends to our wardrobe. The secret back up pantie that will catch any leakage that is caused by a sneeze, laugh, fear, pushing a bowling ball size head out during childbirth or just standing there not doing a thing,but in the mean time we have to do our exercises that keep the muscles strong. So it is true about relationships....

If you are not careful you can become so dependent in a relationship that you loose your instinctive and emotional survival skills. Case in point, DH is out of town for the first time in over five years and I am left to fend for myself. A little tickle of fear exist especially when the damm garage door wouldn't close! Oh my god what am I going to do...my very first instinct was to call him! What the heck can he do, he's 8 hours away! Then I calmed down and walked around the garage realizing that a tarp was covering the sensor. I did this without leaking any urine! I had enough lights on last night that I got an email from the space station that they were trying to sleep and to turn the !@#$ lights off!

The upside to my temporary independence, I got to watch 4 episodes in a row of the Amazing Race and I got to sleep in the center of the bed. Most of all I realize that I need to keep refreshing my own set of survival skills and not let myself become complacent. And while I still do not need depends I do have to wear my big girl panties and take a moment to enjoy this independence and be grateful for a really awesome life.

Oh Pleeeze Say It's Not So!

I had a patient last week, 78 yr. old female who in the process of gathering health history for an upcoming surgery told me she was worried about her children! I gasped and said, "say it's not so...that I never get to give up this worry!?" She said in all her years of wisdom and Yoda like knowledge....HECK NO! So I asked, "How old is your son?" "51!!!!!!!"

Pleeeeze say it's not so! I then proceeded to grill her on why she is worried about her 51 year old and the conversation snaked it's way to the economy and although college educated and well employed he is in a profession that is feeling the hurt...like which one isn't. Then she told me she also worries about all her grandchildren....oh crap...I forgot about those like nuggets to worry about. By the time I was done, she felt better but I felt worse! Because again I am faced with the realization that you never give up the parent card...that is if you love your kids.

Sure there are those sperm and egg donors who are able to kick the little sh@#$'s out of the house without a look back but I personally don't know any of them. All of my friends in their 50's stay up worrying about their children. And my own dear sister has added a grandchild to the worry list.

So is it worth it....for sure! Instead of wishing I never had children so I could spare myself the worry I take stress management classes, exercise, tweak my diet and write in my blog because my children bring me more joy and worry and I love every Mr. Toad's Wild Ride aspect of our lives.

Which brings me back to the joke I told the patient about the news journalist interviewing 100 old people and asking them their number 1 worry in life being a 100 yrs. old. It wasn't "what was for dessert", it wasn't "did anyone hear that fart" and it wasn't "will I have to vote in the next presidential election" but in fact their number one worry in life at 100 years old was their 80 year old children!

Surviving the holidays!

So I, as many women break the holidays down to manageable chunks. Over time I have learned to pick up gifts along the way that make me think of the recipient. Usually I can find more affordable gift instead of the last minute grab and buy. I think the gifts are more thoughtful, so more satisfying for me as the giver. Rather than that last minute gift basket filled with potted meats.

I start thinking about my Christmas letter. Oh yeah, it takes me time to put the right ingredient of humble pie and out right bragging that I get to do every Christmas. And I know from my own experience that when a person receives a Christmas letter no matter how put off you were by this person's letter last year, you can't help but read the thing. I know I have a captive audience.
There are family members who I only connect with this time of year. So slam them with a mountain of information about life in Oregon.

Food. Now here are the landmines of the holidays. How to get to Jan. 2nd and still weight the same.....pass me the chocolate mass of goo....I lick my fingers so much this time of year that I don't have to use lotion. I am still trying to figure this one out. This year I have a plan! Yesterday I went to Barnes and Noble and bought Martha Stewart's Cookie cook book. Oh yeah, I am going to drool over those photos and recipes without baking a single recipe, hoping that I won't gain weight in my pass time. I look at the photo of Martha and I swear she looks the same as 20 years ago...amazing what a little prison will do for the complexion. Or maybe she has the same brush artist used on the cover of Oprah. If it looks like I am not succeeding in the "no gain" by looking at this book then the back up battle plan is to make dozens of cookies for my family/friends so that they can gain weight and I will look the same in comparison....hummmm

Sleeping In

Most of my family would say I don't even know what this means but I do sleep in....it just that sleeping in for me means I slept till 6:00 am. After all I get up every morning at 4:00 am to make it to the gym by the time it opens at 4:30 am. I am an early riser, was born and raised to this status. When my sister and I (we shared a bed) would try and sleep in my dad would come in and pick up one end of the mattress and roll us off the bed. My mother's mantra was "the early bird gets the worm." I don't know if I got the worm but I grew up with the need to rise early. My day is long and I do have time to get more packed in to it...which can make me tired and long for the ability to sleep in.

What a weird circle....but I do get regular exercise and I do get to see shooting stars, beautiful sun rises...I mean the kind that crayola has yet to duplicate the color. I see other hearty souls and feel a kindred spirit with them, especially the other gym rats who are waiting for the door to open at 4:30 am

Hitting my 50's it does take more effort to keep this schedule but this lifestyle has made the most wonderful thing evolve and that is sleeping in on the weekends to at least 6:30 and sometimes 7:30. It has created a ritual of breakfast in bed with the morning paper which DH and I alternate creating. Now I wait anxiously for the weekend morning and I am frustrated if somehow our schedule is interrupted and there is no breakfast in bed.

So as usual for women I am trying to keep a fine balance, have cake and eat it too and god forbid...be the early bird and not the worm.

who is this depressed woman?

I recognize her. She used to live here and only flew when no was watching. She was fat and sad but over the last few years she grew new wings and was able to sore over the land and the view was breath taking so she forgot she was sad. Lately though I have seen her again...not every day but sneaking and lurking around. Her wings are getting shorter and they can't carry the weight of her, so she is slowing down. I can see the fear in her eyes that soon she may only fly when no one is watching again. Normally I would try and ignore her because she scares me, but I know she must feel sad about not flying and I after all am an empathy magnet. So, although I shed a tear in sadness and fear I am going to help her...I know I can because I have helped her before and we both felt good because her wings were beautiful and strong and carried us both.

Pokey Pokey

Acupuncture. I had my first treatment yesterday. I have been interested in eastern medicine ever since I traveled to China 3 years ago. Did some reading back then and have always resisted the surgery/pill route if I could. The problem is eastern medicine takes commitment. They don't just give you a quick pill to swallow or cut out the problem.

What I know is American life is so full, we work longer hours than other countries and we have less time off. We are encouraged to work overtime and to somehow be proud of that fact. But eastern medicine requires you to take the time to think about your body. To pay attention, feel, listen and then do what is required. That's right....you have to do something yourself, not hand it over to someone else to take care of for you.

So, my first acupuncture treatment was in a ortho/neuro surgical center of all places. The room was lovely and the table was very comfortable with light music playing. I first thought was this is wonderful just to lie down and be still for a moment...forget the needles. The needles were felt going in some places more than others but over all were not painful at all. Then the most wonderful pressure massage of the neck and shoulders was done with an ointment then felt cool and wonderful.

It is an ongoing treatment with at least 4 successive treatments with a reevaluation after on subsequent treatments.

Results. Although after the first treatment I still have vertigo, the discomfort in my hip and sciatic nerve is not there today....that alone is making me happy. I can't wait for the next one if only to have a moment in time to be quiet.

My next endeavor is to learn to meditate...after all I am tired of listening to my brain argue with itself!

Working on the chain gang

DH has today off in honor of Veteran's, as for me today was a regular day off this rotation. But instead of honoring our Vets we are working on a chain gang. Being a working class landlord means you are not wealthy enough to hire someone to clean up a rental after a tenant has moved out, all it means is through your own sacrifice and saving you were able to buy property to rent to other but that you yourself must upkeep. I grew up in this environment so have been cleaning up after others my entire life!

You would be amazed at how little regard people have for the places they inhabit when it is not there own. I have cleaned up garbage left in huge piles, scrubs walls and floors, thrown out the remnants of drug paraphernalia. DH has painted enough walls to go around the world. So today is spent repairing the last pieces of a wonderful home so it can be added to the rental market.

Surprisingly it is like dressing up a new baby. We have spent every day off for the last month on this house and it looks so beautiful just waiting for that perfect family who will cherish it and make it a home. If not DH and I will be back next time painting, cleaning and fixing because it is our hard work that keeps it waiting again.

Pay Attention

I tend to keep my eyes focused on my own life...full speed ahead. Between work, family, friend, exercise and a dose of hobby thrown in the mix leaves little time to actually take in additional information. But we are not solitary creatures and although we would like to believe we are insulated in our own little world what goes on outside the front door does impact our life.

Although economically I am sound...both DH and I have good careers, we have always been conservative in our spending and our family unit has remained intact. We are affected by all that goes on around us. This has caused an automatic shift without any planning in our spending. Fear can be contagious. I am cutting coupons...go figure...but only for the items I would normally buy. I am listening to the economic suggestions of the all knowing financial experts. Only buying on sale. We go out less. But a lot of the suggestions are ones we have always lived by. We both have always packed our lunch. I own 2 very cool lunch boxes depending on my mood before it was cool to have a beautiful lunch box. We go to the cheap movies or watch Netflix. We dine out at Happy Hour when the menu is more reasonable. And we don't take vacation unless we can pay up front. These simple lifestyle choices have made our life less fearful but it does not keep me from feeling the fear.

Case in Point.

Yesterday I saw a man who was sitting on the tail gate of his late model car in a parking lot with his possession spread out in front of him for sale...vacuum, stereo, electronic equipment....I thought about him all day. Life can through you a curve ball no matter how much you have practiced to hit it back. Choices boy they are hard sometimes.

Finding the Right Listener

It has taken me a life time but I am getting closer to finding the right listener. It can't be anyone who has their own agenda...so not a mother. It can't be someone who has an answer for all your questions...so not a sibling. It can't be some who worries about your questions...so not a husband. It can't be someone who thinks you have most of the answers...so not your children. Friends might be a good choice but only friends who don't necessarily always side with you but bring a good ear and an occasional thought provoking comment. It may be that you are your own best listener but the rules have to be followed...

No calling yourself names
Not letting you be right all the time
Giving yourself a little grace

Being your own best listener may require a glass of wine while conversing.

Being my own Best Friend

When I first started this blog I imagined it would be cool to type whatever moved me. I chose to remain basically anonymous so I would feel free to write uninhibited. Now a week out I understand that if not self promoted most blogs live in obscurity because there are so many of us. It is like sifting though the real estate ads to find the one house you would like to do a walk through. In some ways it would be nice to have the occasional input but it has now evolved to existing like a journal or diary. How amazing is that. All of my life I have wanted to keep a journal...I have several very beautiful journals which have maybe a total of 5-10 pages written. When ever I discover them hidden in bookshelves and drawers I marvel at the snapshot those few pages give me to my life at that time. I was never able to maintain my interest. I am drawn to displays that sell handmade journals and beautiful pens but find it very funny that for some reason I am drawn to type my thoughts in a very ugly black laptop. For some reason I have found the little piece of real estate, done the walk through, and really enjoy typing away on my blog.

Personal AD

I was reading the personal ads in our local slightly left bent free paper which is published once a week. It was pleasantly surprising to see ads from women in their 60's. As I read down the page I realized they were oozing with the positive which I supposed is important when trying to attract a response...but...I pondered if life would not be better if we could be totally honest and if there is really a person out there that would accept us as we really are?

So, here is my personal AD.

WF or actually half white, half oriental. Hates camping but loves room service. Likes to hike but carries my own toilet paper and hand sanitizer. Will not venture into the woods during mosquito season. Would love to dance but can't stop leading. Loves a high fiber diet but will fart profusely for at least 6 hours post meal. Loves going to animated children's movies. Must have chocolate every day but results are a full figured kind of gal. Would like a man who can make breakfast in bed, mix great margaritas, good listener, who will at least commit to being a dancer in his next life and not run when the gas monster starts up.

Holy Moly....thank god I'm married.

Yikes!

In the middle of the night, dead asleep, a spider was crawling on my arm....euwwww! But instinctively I brushed it away smashing it in the process. By then my brain kicked in and said move, move, move there is a spider in the bed and I flew out of bed in one fluid movement turning on the light. Simultaneouly DH flew out of his side without question and then said "what's the matter?" In that moment we were a fine tuned survival machine, covering each other's back, not 50+ year olds on the downhill slide of life. It made me feel good. Together in an emergency we can remain cool, move fast and take care of ourselves....that is together! Had I been alone there might have been a different ending. But DH scooped up the smashed spider and flushed him down the toliet and only then...after the crisis was over did we revert back to our repective ages and both have to take a leak before getting back in bed. After all when you are 50+ an emergency of any kind will require you to empty your bladder afterwards.

A Monumental Day

I survived yesterday which was the worst day I have had in a long time. I felt my age all day long with a dose of vertigo thrown in...yikes. As if anyone needs vertigo on top of the spinning climate of the world!

The one great thing about being married to your best friend is that you can come home and be exactly who you are at that moment...ugly, nasty, bitchy and general the last person you would want to be with, let alone married. But after a nicely displayed tantrum about the day (truly nothing nice about it) I could settle down with a glass of wine and watch the world change before my eyes. Election Day, finally arriving and with all the excitement of waiting to see who gets voted off the island next!!!! Yes I am a Survivor junkie. Can you believe that a woman who barely has time to watch TV is hooked on Survivor.

In my life I have experienced racism first hand but now I am alive to see the first black president. It gets no better than this and with the book open each page will be filled with excitement, progress, hope and tragedies. There will be no going backwards, no burning this book and for me a hopeful future for my children and grandchildren.

And I commit to not throwing another tantrum this month...after all December isn't that far away!

Empathy Magnet

I know that I should be reflecting on the elections today but I am ready to move forward. For the first time this past week I have filled my recycle bin...mostly with cards and fliers promoting some yahoo who is going to change my life for the better....hmmm

I am basically a cup half full find of gal. I can easily maneuver through life, picking myself up in a timely manner when I get kicked in the shin. I listen to both sides of a story (knowing I am right). But, what I do know about myself and is more apparent of late is I am an "Empathy Magnet." You ask, "What the hell is that?" For the most part when a friend is having a hard time I feel her pain, when the chimp brings the Pepsi to the scientist...I cry, when I watch emotional movies I cry hard...I mean really hard. Now being an empathy magnet is good in the best of time. You are seen as a shoulder to lean on, people talk to you. As a protective mechanism I avoid movies that are really sad or fearful. I only have a select small group of friends and I have learned to eat lunch in a quiet place. The problem now is my magnet is on full draw...with the news headlining disaster every friggin' day, with people I know losing their jobs and homes, my favorite restaurants and stores closing, I am emotionally drowning. I am exhausted most of the time, my libido is half what it used to be and my brain is firing full speed towards....oh my god the skies falling!

So, I have a plan for winter...to survive the darkness of the day coming sooner and longer. I am going to take a clue from chicken little. Get more exercise by running around. I have taken up screaming at the top of my lungs when I am alone at home and it does release the stress in my jaw. I am giving up my grab for the business section of the paper to see what businesses are sinking. I have joined a hiking group of people I don't know. I made my first appointment to have acupuncture. I am making the next few month one of new experiences because basically I like being an empathy magnet. I love people and I love being connected, I just need to find a path this winter that will let me be who I am and survive the emotional storm all around me.

Daylight savings time

OK, so I have issues with daylight savings time, what's new. Daylights savings time as we know it was first proposed by an English builder in 1907. Adding daylight to the afternoon is beneficial to certain business, decreased accidents and makes ones mood so much better. On the other hand the farmers have it harder. To make any major changes to the system would cause havoc because so many businesses have computers and bookkeeping tied to the scheduled rotation, which brings me to my own dilemma.

My body which used to be able to stay up past midnight and rise at 5 am in the 20's no longer is able to adjust. I have noticed as the years have progressed that it has become increasingly more difficult for me to keep my fined tuned intuition on high alert with the changes occurring twice a year. In the spring I so love all those extra sunshine hours...I want them year round and I want the weather guy to make the weather more stable also!!!

In the spring my intuition is on high alert and I used to be able to "know" when one of my children was sneaking out of the house. Maternal Spidey Radar. But with the coming of autumn I could only detect when they were in the process of sneaking back in the house! I totally blame this on Daylight Savings time. It is continuing to mess with my Spidey Radar. Although there are no longer any children at home I miss the fine tuned sense I had of the world.

Last Friday every one was excited about the extra hour of sleep we would be getting...are they nuts! My body is still functioning on the old clock...I am now up later and still have to get up and go to work and that is why I am here spilling my thoughts onto my blog at 5 am. The only benefit I have noticed is that this morning I feel like I had one to many gin and tonics...so I must have had fun last night...right?

Text Messaging

Thumbs or should I say little fingers....I have discovered arthritis in a very small spot of my body. For those of you that might say..."stop your whining, you wanna talk about arthritis!" This is serious! I am in the process of trying to perfect my text messaging and you really need nibble fingers.
Both of my children now live on the other side of the mountain and being of the male persuasion they do not care for long conversation but are more inclined to carry on a conversation with me via text messaging. Of course my cell phone is a short stubby free phone provided by my carrier for a contract that will last the rest of my natural life. The oldest son (DS#1) has a phone that is light weight, stream line, beautiful color, key board that looks like a computer key board and will play music designated to a specific caller! I hate the thought that my ring tone may be the theme from "Mommy Dearest!" Or he may have secretly taped me yelling for him to pick up his clothes when he was younger. So here I am with the cell phone company wanting me to update my contract and this time hoping to be smarter about the next contract....NOT....but at least get a phone in which I can use my arthritic fingers to text that does not weigh the same as the bag of chains for my tires.
The additional challenge is to learn the language of the test. I know using my brain on something new will increase it's wrinkles and of course keep senility away but give me a break...text messaging is not only physically painful but takes so damm long that I would just prefer to call but don't want that ring tone going off in public. My children have got me trapped. AND they are the only ones I can text. My husband (DH) never carried his until recently and just learned how to listen to voice mail. He will never be caught text messaging besides his free phone keyboard is so small he hits 3 keys with one finger. My mother (mommy dearest) is going on 79 and although has a new cell phone and uses it extensively for business has no clue how to text nor does she know how to pick up voice mail.
So as is the way of life I am adjusting my comfort zone for my children and will learn to text faster if only to prevent my ring tone from being activated.

This is the beginning. A pensive process of figuring out what it means to be a "baby boomer" with the added title of wife, mother, friend, daughter and employee. I must venture into the techno world that is so easy for my children who have lived on Face Book and can text at the speed of light....hummm