The Meltdown

I have had several conversations with friends, neighbors and of course my favorite strangers...about the meltdown.

The meltdown occurs whenever our expectations bump up against reality.  So where do these expectations come from?  Years of fine tuning those around us to meet our needs for a very perfect experience. 

I spent year trying to create the Norman Rockwell Thanksgiving.  Not only did every one show up with their own personalities...not, like the people in the painting, filled with love and joy for all living things...but my turkey never reached the table looking like theirs.

In retrospect I can see I spent the weeks before holidays working up to a nice "hair ball" that I never coughed up but carried through the holiday to finally hack it up after the fact in a nice "post holiday blues."

What has changed for me?  The growth that comes in finally understanding that New Years, Ground Hogs Day, Valentines Day, St. Patty's, Easter, Free Ski Day, Free Dump Day, First Day of School, Halloween, Thanksgiving and Christmas...are not about me and my needs.  The only day I get each year is my birthday and that is why I make it last longer than 24 hours.

Really the joy in seeing my children make their own traditions where they may have taken a little of what they grew up with and mixed it with their own...it is peaceful.  I love fitting into their lives...not making them meet my needs.  I am grateful that they want to fit us into their lives. 

I am in awe of the lives they are creating, the people they are becoming and I really like that I have no meltdowns...for me, life now is all cake...and frosting!

Below ZERO

It is so cold outside that we had some visitors.  They seems to be lost but...hey the temperature was right.  They were heading south for the winter but heard it had snowed in Los Angeles yesterday!

So they said, "screw this" and started heading back up north.  My sister saw them in Napa yesterday.  She said it was so cold that her pipes froze...19 degrees.  No wine available for the travelers so they came heading back north.  If there was no warm place they might as well go home.

So now they are in Bend.  They stopped by the Chamber of Commerce to get the scoop on the place and were greeted by a gaggle of geese...who said, "SWEET."  This place is wide open!  The people here can't agree on what to do with feathered visitors so we invited all our relatives to move on up or down in your case.  Lots of free food and with all the golfing here you can eat fresh greens and see for miles if any predators are coming...but I think you really need to get new suits...this is a laid back town...no tuxedo's needed.

LIFE IS NOT HOW YOU SURVIVE THE STORM, BUT HOW YOU DANCE IN THE RAIN.....

A friend sent me this...written by Regina Britt, 90 yrs old...a perfect blog which needs no additional comment.  As she said, although long it needs to be read every week.  I think I am going to print it and put it on my frig.

1. Life isn't fair, but it's still good.

2. When in doubt, just take the next small step.
3. Life is too short to waste time hating anyone.
4. Your job won't take care of you when you are sick. Your friends and parents will. Stay in touch..
5. Pay off your credit cards every month.
6. You don't have to win every argument. Agree to disagree.
7. Cry with someone. It's more healing than crying alone.
8. It's OK to get angry with God. He can take it.
9. Save for retirement starting with your first paycheck.
10. When it comes to chocolate, resistance is futile.
11. Make peace with your past so it won't screw up the present.
12. It's OK to let your children see you cry.
13. Don't compare your life to others. You have no idea what their journey is all about.
14. If a relationship has to be a secret, you shouldn't be in it..
15. Everything can change in the blink of an eye. But don't worry; God never blinks.
16. Take a deep breath. It calms the mind.
17. Get rid of anything that isn't useful, beautiful or joyful.
18. Whatever doesn't kill you really does make you stronger.
19. It's never too late to have a happy childhood. But the second one is up to you and no one else
20. When it comes to going after what you love in life, don't take no for an answer..
21. Burn the candles, use the nice sheets, wear the fancy lingerie.. Don't save it for a special occasion. Today is special.
22. Over prepare, then go with the flow.
23. Be eccentric now. Don't wait for old age to wear purple.
24. The most important sex organ is the brain.
25. No one is in charge of your happiness but you.
26. Frame every so-called disaster with these words 'In five years, will this matter?'
27. Always choose life...
28. Forgive everyone for everything.
29. What other people think of you is none of your business.
30. Time heals almost everything. Give time time.
31. However good or bad a situation is, it will change.
32. Don't take yourself so seriously. No one else does.
33. Believe in miracles.
34. God loves you because of who God is, not because of anything you did or didn't do.
35. Don't audit life.. Show up and make the most of it now.
36. Growing old beats the alternative -- dying young.
37. Your children get only one childhood.
38. All that truly matters in the end is that you loved.
39. Get outside every day. Miracles are waiting everywhere.
40. If we all threw our problems in a pile and saw everyone else's, we'd grab ours back.
41. Envy is a waste of time. You already have all you need.
42. The best is yet to come....
43. No matter how you feel, get up, dress up and show up.
44. Yield.
45. Life isn't tied with a bow, but it's still a gift."

COME ONNNNN!

There is a school in the city of Ashland that has removed it's Christmas Giving Tree because a group of parents said it was a religious symbol.  COME ON!

of course, snow men are not religious, so pinning the gift giving tags on the snow man is ok...as long as you don't hurt them...if you hurt them, the snow police which is made up of the public work guys who worship snow will be visiting you!

Now beware, cats especially dressed up as Santa are a religious symbol especially in Egypt where they adorn pyramids.

Watch out for Santa, after all he is a religious symbol, heck his name used to be St. Nicholas and as much as he hangs around with animals and hauls trees around he might be a tree hugger and a saint!

Although basically we are a non religious household filled with spiritual people, I fear we may have tipped over to a more pagan couple. We now do the bidding of this creature, who supiciously looks like an ethinic St. Nick!

The "Lump It Altogether" Parade

Ok, call me Mrs. Bah Humbug but the Christmas Parade was a huge dissapointment.  It was freezing!  The closest parking space I could find given the way I approached the route, put me behind the Westside Cafe.  This was my mistake.  But the orgainzers of the parade missed the boat.

The Christmas Parade is not the "lump" all the parades this year into one.  It is a Christmas parade.  Besides the marching bands, the military, police and fire dept. everyone else in the parade should be about Christmas...either secular or non secular.  This isn't a recap of the parades that happened all year...it is a Christmas Parade.

So, driving your car that advertises insurance just so your kid can be in the parade makes it seem like an informercial parade.  Businesses that acually pulled a flat bed behind them filled with children singing Christmas caroles...now, that is what we came to see.  Off road vehicle club...thought we saw you last summer.  VFW had their own parade. So if Jakes wants to pull the VFW in the Christmas Parade it would have been funnier to see them all dressed as elves.  I am proud to live in a town that could attract such a wonderful business as Breedlove, but do I need to see their big rig and van adverstising such in the parade?  I know America is getting fatter but does the Christmas parade need a weight loss business marching in the parade chanting about joining and losing weight....made me want to spit out the cookie I was eating...I don't want to feel guilty at the Christmas Parade!

The cub scouts, camp fire girls singing Christmas caroles was heart warming.  The corgi's pulling a wagon decorated for Christmas was entertaining...but just cause you want to advertise your business and stuck a santa hat on your head...that doesn't make it in my book.  The school bands marching while playing Christmas music is a traditional part of Christmas parades.  In my book the only "car" in the Christmas parade should be the one the Christmas queen is riding...The city counsel, mayor should be hoofing it and shaking hands along the way.  Heck even Bob Shaw was walking and waving!

The parade orgainzers could not have lived here very long...gotta keep the parade moving...it's too cold this time of year for long gaps to occur between participants!

Enzo, well he felt like he dodged a bullet.  The first outfit I tried on him was a reindeer costume but a lady walking by said...the costume didn't look any different than his own fir.  So, we settled on Yoshi's old santa hat and a nice red jacket.  The best part of the parade was seeing my cousins! Although Enzo was scared of Amaya...he wasn't quite sure what kind of aninal has pink fur!

It's Starting To Feel More Like Christmas...NOT!

I seem to be in a Christmas fugue state.  I don't remember quite how to do it...maybe it has to do with this time in my life.  I have some friends who are my age or older and they go freak-a-zoid for Christmas...so I am not sure it has to do with age.  I am not depressed about it...I just seem to be slow this year.  I did shop for the Christmas family that our department is giving too and I was excited when I found what I was looking for...but once I gift wrapped it and dropped it off at the hosptial, I was back to regular old winter mode.

My front door wreath was delivered yesterday by "the Judge". I mean a real judge and I didn't have the money.  Now I owe the law money!  I ordered it from the son of someone I know who had a fund raiser and her husband the judge delievered it.  I hung it on the front door.  But I don't get to see it much because I never go through the front door (subject for another blog). 

Today, although it is as my dear 'ol dad used to say, "colder than a witches tit" geez...that sounds gross and it's Christmas not Halloween...I will be going to the Christmas Parade.  My cousins will be there and truly there is nothing more fun than seeing children during the holidays...waaaaa...where is Byron???  Their bright eyes, runny noses, greedy little brains, high on sugar!

I KNOW!!!!!  Before the parade I'll get Enzo a Christmas outfit!!!!!!!!!

He's lying by my side sound asleep unaware what is in store for him...although he is having a nightmare which seems to have him whimpering and his feet are running...he may be trying to get away from the Christmas Fashionista!

18 Months

I was moved by a news story in The Source.  Although news...even The Source can give you "facts" that are first viewed through the eyes of the journalist and then a little spin doctoring is done before the reader sees the information.  We still do not know or may never know how this man's journey ended with two murders in Central Oregon.

The facts are 18 months he lived in Portland, had friends, belonged to a poetry group, was a carpenter, conservationist, avid bike rider, outdoors man, skilled naturalist, artist, musician and friend.

According to those who worked and played with him, he went to college in upstate New York, he had a great sense of humor, loved camping and took his love of the enviroment to the point of riding his bike to work every day...and that is the beginning of the unraveling of his life.

Riding his bike to work a pick up truck clipped him causing a crash.  The resulting medical bills were too much and one could speculate that getting involved in trying to get a settlement from the truck driver to pay those medical bills took him into the underbelly of human nature.  His friends say it was the medical issues that brought on a downward spiral of financial hardship.

Although forever curious about human nature and choices I know I will never have an answer.  What his friends do say is 18 months ago he just dissapeared, deciding to hike the Central Oregon Cascades.  No on knew where he was or were he ended up until they heard the news on NPR radio.

As he has communicated with friends from jail you wonder how a man who's words are so beautifully written could harm another human being?

"I can only describe my state as being lost in a lugubrious fog. I’m afraid nothing at the time made sense at all. Now a year later, nothing makes a glimmer of sense." 

He discribes his last 18 months..."It’s funny, it’s tragic, it’s diabolical."

Fall Risk

Everytime I work I ask people if they have fallen down...then I fill out a multi-criteria questionaire to determine if they are a fall risk.  If they are, I put this lovely yellow bracelet on them.

So last night I found out I was a fall risk.  I got up in the middle of the night, stepped over Enzo and made the mistake of really looking down.  Whirling vertigo and I started to fall.  Fell against a bookcase  which had a large print on top and a metal pagoda.  Both came crashing down.  Luckily Enzo was not in his bed and so the pagoda didn't kill him...although the print scared the beegeebeez out of  him...so much so that he would not sleep in his bed the rest of the night and instead slept on Greg's side of the bed.

When I came home Enzo didn't look at me like I was a freak.  He totally forgot that I almost killed him.  I showed him my bracelet and he got excited because he thought it was food, not a label for me.

In the past when I have fallen I have gotten depressed because of my clumsiness but for some reason this time it didn't matter. 

I am taking this as a message...I am a fall risk...I have vertigo and I need to step lightly and with conscious thought...so what...there are worse things in life.

Man On The Moon

 

Whenever people talk of a full clear moon they say you can see the man on the moon.  I used to think they meant that you could see the outline of a man face...but I don't see it.  What I do know is although the moon light can be absolutely beautiful, especially really early in the morning when Greg and I head to the gym...it is showing up way to early.

This morning Robin said that yesterday it was dark at 5 PM.  So I am sitting here at the computer and it is now 4:56 and it is getting dark.  I can still see the sky and the clouds, but I do know that I could not walk down my back path without some light.

The shortest day of the year is Dec. 21...geez, that means it will probably get dark before I get my afternoon break at work!  I can tell already I am going to have to up my vitamin D. 

It is officially 5 PM and it is pretty dark.  At least I am sitting in the dark with the glow of my computer on my face...I think I might be looking younger...maybe this dark thing has it's advantages!

My Running Muscle

I found my running muscle. In the vein of Dr. Suess...

 I discovered,

it wasn't in my butt

it wasn't in my in my legs

it wasn't in my gut

even when I ate 2 green eggs.

I found out this week that it was what lie between 2 ears.

I was inspired by an email I received from the Portland Marathon telling me that in 2010 they would have for the first time a half marathon.  Having run the full in 2005 I know what that means in time investment and my body.  But, a half...now that is like music to my ears. 

I accept that there are issues with training, the biggest has to do with my childhood.  I spent that time always a block behind my mother.  She had little motorized toes and never walked with you...and I imagined that she gave me looks of distain over my inability to be as fast as her.  For whatever childhood twisted logic I began to think I was slow and I became ashamed at my slowness.  So, when I tackled training for the marathon, I had to do it alone.  I could not fathom running and keeping my shameful voice in check.  I rarely ran with another person...although I did work with a nurse who mentored me through the process and was so kind in her encouragement...and when I did run with her, although worried...I ran.

Here I am.  I started training on Sunday.  Monday latic acid arrived and my thigh were sore.  Even though I have a fairly decent workout schedule.  It made me realize AGAIN...there is nothing like running.  Monday after work went for a short run, sore but feeling good.  Today I have already gone spinning and will go out running later this morning.  I discovered this morning...my running muscle.  It is a spot in my brain that literally gets euphoric when I run.  It makes me want to keep running.  It makes me like Republicans. 

The other difference in this training program...ENZO. I now have a training partner for each and every run.  Although he is in better shape.  He has no judgement.  He doesn't care how fast or slow I go as long as I am beside him.  As he walks and I jog, he looks happy and I feel no shame at holding him back.  He loves runners.  As we head down the trail he will see someone ahead and start prancing...Look at us we are training!