Sweet Moments

I ended my last blog on a sweet moment memory. I decided today to try and list as many sweet moments I could remember in my life. It seems life brings many cup half empty moments and we have to try and push those aside and embrace the cup half full moments...to keep our joyful hearts.

1. observing daily "I love You's" that my dad said to my mom

2. traveling across the US with my parents when I was 3 years old and having my first Foster Freeze ice cream cone in Hollister, Ca. almost the end of the line.

3. Playing with a giant earth ball at least 6 feet in diameter in the middle of the street, late into the warm summer night.

4. opening my lunch at school in the 4th grade and finding my mother had carved into the orange rind, "I love you."

5. my first time skiing downhill without falling

6. my second date cause he smelled like Brut

7. putting on the dress my mom made me for Prom...I was beautiful

8. a nap on the deck of my dad's sail boat

9. sailing with my dad

10. the first time I walked into Greg place and he had a sailing poster on the wall.

11. first time I rode in Greg car with the top down

12. when I said I Do

13. walking through the door of my first home

14. It's a boy!

15. The first paycheck I received as a nurse! sweet!

16. the first time I grew a vegetable

17. It's a boy!

18. on the last mile of the marathon and seeing my son running down the sidewalk yelling go mom

19. crossing the finish line and seeing my other son waiting with water and a heat blanket.

20. hearing my son say, I Do

Sure, my life has had many wonderful times and experiences. But, I think there is a benefit to remember moments in time that were pivotal. I know my list could be 10 x as long...like when Peter's band played in the Battle of the Bands, or when I watched Connor play Tevye in Fiddler on the Roof...but I will save those to bring out of my "sweet moments drawer" when I need them...for today, I feel great and it is because I took a peek at my sweet moments.

I'm Running With The Big Dogs, Now!

Yesterday I was running with the big dogs. I'm am trying to be cool here...but what I mean is, I went out with Greg, Peter and Sarah...out on the town...I'm trying to be cool again...cause we really went to a place we feel comfortable. It was a interesting date cause they were treating us! HOLY MOLY! And they wouldn't let us pick Denny's, Applebee's or Taco Bell.

We were on a DOUBLE DATE!!! With our son and daughter in law. I love saying daughter in law...I don't know why people think it has a negative connotation...I like to draw it out, as in "this is my dawwwwghter in laaaawww."

Then we sat out on the deck having drinks till 2300!!!! as in 11:00 PM!!!! It was such a sweet moment except for the bats that kept flying around. I did learn something when I woke up this morning...I can only run with the big dogs once in a great while.

We Gotta A New Baby In The Family

We have a new baby in the family. William Michael Smith...yeah, my cousin Jenny said, "Will Smith...get jiggy with it!" Born on Father's Day and according to all the dotting grandparents, the sweetest little guy.

There is something reaffirming about one's life when a new member is added to your family. You can visually see that you are moving up the space that you occupy in your family chain. It is, as it should be. When you look in that new face you have hopes for life.

I love that saying...Believe in something greater than yourself...I believe in you William!

Launching Summer

Yesterday summer was launched...at least at my house. I do not officially recognize summer until I have to turn my cooler on at night. Last night I turned it on before I went to bed and I slept like a baby.

I am sooooo glad summer finally came to Central Oregon. I know there will be days when it is rainy but now that we have had our first day of 80's I can handle anything. Girls gone wild...I mean birds gone wild. They are singing and partying...it's summer time!!!

Enzo and I have been going to the dog park at 0630 on my days off. Many times we are the only ones there that early and we walk the trails and he sniffs and pees on brushes and clumps of grass to taunt the next dog that shows up. It is summer time for both of us and I can tell he feels the joy also...

Huston...we have lift off, and there isn't any problem.

Quilting, Gardening and Life

Normally this time of year my quilting time is limited. Limited by the sun and my yard. But due to some things out of my control (like, the weather, a spectacular wedding and lots of family events) neither my quilt room nor my yard received the attention that I would normally bestow upon them.

Last week Greg and I, along with Mo hit the yard hard again. It was so gratifying to see the work I put into it last year...sprouted this year! And much like a quilt...the yard requires decisions about patterns and color. Surprising to me is that my quilting has not abated either. Due to the opening of a new quilt store, "QuiltWorks" my quilting has gotten a boost of energy. I am enjoying the time spent in my special place. My creativity has gotten a boost.

Like much of life each day, month and year gives me new information about how I want to live the days I have left. Maybe, that is what your 50's is all about. I started this blog to chronicle my thoughts, beliefs and questions about life in my 50's. With many starts, stops, mistakes and do overs I have discovered a few answers.

1. the 50's rock.

2. "do overs" are OK.

3. Give up the "What ifs" they are a waste of time and emotion

4. If my weight is my only struggle in life...so be it...I can keep working on it

5. Sleeveless clothing will never live in my closet

I am thinking that 60's is even going to be more interesting and I will find out what I didn't in my 50's

Ode To Father's Day

I have decided since it is good day to reflect on the fathers I know in the approximate order I met them.

Herb, my dad: He had the biggest heart and knew no stranger. He helped friends, just because. He had a hysterical sense of humor and lived his life touching those around him. I never doubted his love. He worked and played hard. He made everyone feel important.

Earl, my father in law: He was a renaissance man. Quiet. Gifted. He was self taught in the arts. He could make jam, weave and dye wool and crochet. He is one of the strongest men I have known. He would easily cut and stack several cords of wood for the winter and when he was bed ridden with cancer he taught himself to crochet and made us blankets.

Pat, my brother in law: The world special comes to mind. There are few men like him, who can put the needs of his sons and grandson ahead of himself. He can discuss philosophy and Thomas the train all in one sentence. He believes we are inherently good and thus never sees our shortcomings. He is the anchor in a storm.

Greg, my husband: He is a rock. I am thankful every day for the wonderful sons I have. For sons are as good/strong as their fathers help them grow. I have never had a moments worry about who my sons are as people because of their father. He is quiet/shy and yet gave his sons the strength of extrovertism. He is so proud of his boys.

Mike, my nephew: He brings a bit of his father to his son. He is a hard worker with a priority of supporting his family. He is kind, inquisitive and loving and you can see the results of that in his son.

Peter, my son: It is difficult to write about my son without tears...because in his strength I see my own father and my husband. What I have learned from my father is that, a father does not have to be biological, for my father was a father to many others besides myself. I see in Peter the ability to love. Parenting is humbling and we stumble but with strength, humor and the ability to learn what it means to be a parent...those are the things that I see have been passed down.

I read an article about fathers and I love the authors ending paragraph. "When you have been lucky in the father department, it would be an outrage not to cry in their memory. You can't have an up without a down, a right without a left, a back without a front - or a happy with a sad. This is the price you pay for having a great father. You get the wonder, the joy, the tender moments - and you get the tears at the end, too. As the old proverb says, "When a father gives to his son, they both laugh. When a son gives to his father they both cry."

Happy Father's Day!

Balancing Act

Ahhhh, the art of balancing all the requirements of life. When we are born we have no concept of balancing...we just open out mouths and wail...and someone meets our needs. As children we still have no real concept of balancing the choices in life. It is only when we start reaching the age of reason...say...8-10 years of age that we get the first notion of having to balance the wants and needs of our lives.

In our teen years we know that we have to balance our choices and desires but, we are young and strong and believe in our invincibility...balance is not an issue. We believe, we can do it all. Some time by college we start to recognize that our choices really do have an impact on how we feel.

I think it is when we reach our parenting age that we truly understand life is a fine balance and sometimes you just are not coordinated enough to carry it off.

I have always been one who wanted to juggle several things while balancing on one foot. The best part of being in my 50's is that I am content with the idea that balancing means I have to have both feet on the ground. And the several things, well...it is pared down to one or two. Sometimes I can feel the old me in my old brain trying to push the limit. But, the new me realizes that life is more about enjoying the journey not how things I can pack into the journey.

And...I find as I get older, at the end of the day...balance is not so much about how much I accomplished in any given day...but, how happy I am with the few things I did get done.

Sincerity

Sincerity. 4 syllables. A musical sound as the word rolls off my tongue. It is tangible. When you talk with people you can tell if it is there or not. Some conversations are meant to be just words strung together, meeting a momentary needs for both parties.

Me, I am a sincerity junkie. When conversations are a "how are you"..."fine"... "how are you doing?" passing words as two people come in close proximity to each other...they are only words, floating on air...never touching the heart.

As I head off to work today I am going to try to be sincere as my words float out into the world and see if they evaporate or land in the heart of those I pass.

0400

When you have had 10 days of not having to wake up at 0400 you forget what that feels like. You forget the sounds and smells of 0400.

Waking up whenever your body tells you to wake up, is sweet. There is a natural rhythm and your body knows how to dance.

0400 is insane. Yes, I grew up hearing the early bird catches the worm and yes, I do need this moment to ease into the day...but 0400 is insane. You only know that 0400 is insane when you actually get a chance to sleep until your body tells you to get up. The bitter and sweet of getting up this morning at 0400 is, I know that retirement isn't far off...maybe about 5 years and I will get to wake up when I want too. This morning I didn't even hear the alarm go off (Greg had to turn a light on) I did get to see the sky change that beautiful color as the sun rises, I hear the birds chirping like crazy and I smell a skunk...ahhhh "eau du morning." As I head off to work I can dream of that day when I don't have to own an alarm!

City Life or F**K Y*U!

City life is filled with extremes. Extremes not only in architecture but in emotions, movement and distance. When you have spent most of your life in a more countrified existence you are fascinated by the city and the people who choose to inhabit this life.

I think city people are divided into 2 different groups. Those who get sucked up into the psyche of the city and those who can move through it without giving up a piece of themselves.

As you move around the city you know that distance cannot be changed, it is concrete...but your relationship to how the distance is tackled can be fluid. You can live where it is convenient to get around and thus you are not shackled by the distances. I think when you feel shackled by the points that exist in a city you get the insane driver. Yesterday we were bogged down in the city...no movement from point A to point B because of a parade. Traffic was diverted and was moving in SLOOOOO MOOOO. The driver behind us in a mini van was revving his engine, jumping his van an inch at a time...he was not at peace in the city he was a piece of the city.

Emotions can move from extremes also...the pace is faster and maybe that make individuals want to feel as much as they can in any given moment. A beautiful day, a child's birthday party and BBQ. Everyone enjoying themselves with deep commitment to this moment...by 2 AM the BBQ had resulted into a F**K Y*U fight. One guy pushing emotions to the extreme must have said F**K Y*U 100 times, a child cries and a motor cop pushes his siren. Funny how a motor cop's siren can make a F**K Y*U be quiet.

In Bend Frank/Monica draws stunned stares for his extreme garb. In the city there are many Monica/Franks and they draw little attention.

Ah, the city I love it but it is important to be at peace with it...not a piece of it.

We Moved In With Our Son...

Hey Connor...we're home...

We moved in with our son this weekend. Such an interesting experience. His place is very tidy, and thus restful. He was nice enough to give up his bed and so we didn't have to sleep on the floor. But, queen size is not king size and where is the pillow top. When you move in with someone, you get a taste of their life.

He has better coffee than we do but that may have a lot to do with who his coffee distributor may be. His kitchen is stocked with the items he deems important...like hot sauce and beer...and he is a very good pancake maker.

All the little things you learn when you move in with someone...what kind of soap they use, shampoo, how encumbered they are by possessions or not.

We are not used to city life...I guess it is better to say...we are not used to city life on the second floor. When we stay in a hotel we only hear the city sounds from the 5th-32nd floor. City life from a second floor is more real. You can hear someone say, "you are an amazing woman!" outside your window. The train pulls up what seems like it is so close you can board. Greg, Enzo and I, we wake up only to the sounds of birds, so realizing for two nights we are an organic part of a city...well it was different and Enzo only felt comfortable when he could lie next to Greg.

This experience has given us another piece to the travels of our own lives...we no longer have "children" we have adults as sons, with rich and vibrant lives. So far this weekend I have learned how to roast veggies in the oven and make really good rice from Peter and pancakes from Connor...this gig is really fun!

Connor....can we stay out passed curfew tonight??? can we, huh...can we...

Plugged In

Yesterday I was ruminating on mindfulness. Today there was an article on Plugged-in parents.

I find it disturbing on a personal level to have phones going off left and right. People, I have taken the time to be with, suddenly jumping up and taking every single call that comes in...I may as well have spent my time alone.

I understand the need for connection. And, I do know that as parents it feels good to have the security of our children being able to contact us at a moments notice. But, I find I am getting increasingly dissatisfied with people who have got to take every single call that comes through. I think we have to start making some changes...like in the theater when they ask you to silence your phone. I want people to silence their phones when they are out to lunch with me. I know that Billy Bob want to let you know that you need to stop at the store on the way home...but can't he leave a voice message to be picked up after you have left my company. Why is it that we need to be available 24/7 to the world. Are we sooooo important?

Although having the availability of connection does have some positive sides it is affecting the American family. Children have to wait till the parent is done texting, surfing the net or talking on cell phones. They are no longer an emotional priority...the world takes first place. Self esteem is built a brick at a time by being important to someone...and for children that is their parents. Each time you discount a child because you "really have to take this call" that child learns where he/she is in the importance line up.

How many times have you seen a cell phone call go to voicemail because a parent is in the middle of a conversation with their child and the parent wants to finish the conversation with the child first??? NEVER. Instead we tell the child...hold on I have to take this call.

I am going to work on my cell phone etiquette and see if I can change the way I am plugged in...because the bottom line is, I want to be plugged in to those who choose to spend time with me first.

So, if I don't answer the phone right away I may be trying to be mindful of someone I am with...or I can't find my cell phone.

Mindlfulness

This my task. Mindfulness. It seems like a simple task on the surface but in fact, it is the most challenging.

To be mindful...of what you think, what you do, what you eat, what you drink and how you are feeling.

What does it mean to be mindful? Well, for me it means to acknowledge what is right before me, whether it be a patient, a apple, a quilt or a friend...to not be distracted by the world and lose what is right in front of me.

I once sat with a very intelligent woman who was dating one of my sons. Although she was in conversation with me, she was constantly texting on her phone. It made me feel that my company was inconsequential. That, what was out there was far more interesting than my company. Mindfulness is not only good for our own souls, it also gives the gift of respect for other's time. By being mindful of who I am with and our conversation...I am saying...you, are important too me.

My goal for this year is to be mindful...mindful of who I am with, what I am doing, what I am eating and who I want to be.

Leaving The Matrix, The Revolution

The Revolution has started. I spent 8+ hours in the car yesterday. Greg said I was awful quiet. Maybe my voice was quiet but my brain was planning a revolution.

8 + hours to process where I came from. The emotions of those 8 hours was as varied as the landscape speeding by...Weeding through what is beneficial and what is detrimental. Realizing again that I have an opportunity to reinvent those parts of me I want to leave behind and embrace those parts of me that I find amazing.

There are those in the world who look at you with jaundiced eyes when you acknowledge how amazing you are...they want to level the plain...they don't want you to truly be happy, successful or content. They only feel OK when you aren't feeling OK. There are those in the world who want to hang around because your plight makes then feel good about their plight.

Then again there are really special people who spend moments giving you the gift of acknowledgement. They can see past your insecurities and touch who you really are...those are the people who realize their plain...has nothing to do with your plain...they give you the gift of grace. They provide some balance to your plain.

This morning I spent time acknowledging the truly extraordinary place I have come from and the amazing gift of my parents. Then I spent a good 2 hours purging those things that remind me of the insecurities that they passed on too me through no fault of their own. Our parents give us the gift of life, feed us, nurture us to the best of their abilities but they also give us their quirks, insecurities and emotional boxes...it is these things that I am tossing. I am only keeping the good and I am shipping out the bad. I hope by starting this revolution for myself my children will also realize that they truly are in charge of their happiness and maybe they won't need a revolution to create happiness.

Can You Leave The Matrix

The one thing about spending time with individuals that you think you already have figured out...is that you truly can never figure someone out. Sounds confusing I know.

The best I can put it is...we use all the knowledge we have accumulated, add a dash of emotional sauce, a splash of psycho babble and we have everyone figured out. Nice and neat.

I heard the phase "he or she has issues..." all weekend. What does that mean? If everyone has issues...is it really an issue...or is it the norm?

Spending time with people you haven't seen in ages, watching people who don't know who you are and trying to understand the people who are close to you...all in a 72 hour period is exhausting.

Observing bits and pieces of individuals lives, being empathetic and generous of love and spirit...well...sometimes you come away feeling totally good about where you are and sometimes you are just ready to bolt...I want to leave the Matrix!!!!!!!!!

Friendship

You would think at my age that friendships would be a slam dunk. What I mean is that you got your girlfriends and you know yourself and thus life is smooth sailing. But, even at my age I still have things to learn...not only about others but, about myself.

It tells me that I always need to keep my brain and heart open. That others may have a better answer than I do and that it is OK to not know what the "hay" to do. And, that if you are running around like chicken little yelling, "the sky is falling, the sky is falling" that most likely a girlfriend will either be running along side you yelling the same thing...or they will slap you and say, "get a grip...we can do this."

Girlfriends are powerful...they must be, because we turn to them...and wait...to figure it out. They are our spouse, therapist, confessional, sibling and ultimately our girlfriends.

My prayer today...Thank you God for my girlfriends.

Freedom

Everyone has their own idea of Freedom. For a good part of the world freedom is synonymous with the availability of food.

For some countries it is being a part of the choice for who runs their country.

And yet for others it can be education.

Freedom has a ring even in our personal lives. Choosing divorce, deciding that you choose not to have children...all these choices bring a personal freedom.

We can even take the feeling of freedom down to the enjoyment of our lives when we walk out the door of our employer.

I think you can only enjoy the sense of freedom if you are choosing it...if you work at a place where you feel trapped then when you walk out the door each day you are not going to feel the joys of freedom but only the sense of momentary relief and dread knowing that you HAVE to come back. To enjoy true freedom I believe, means that we are content with what we have chosen in our lives. We do not feel shackled to our jobs, our debt, our spouses, our country and to our beliefs.

You Gotta Be Strong

I see people around me start to crumble. In the emotional strength kind of way. Times are hard for so many people but for the people I work with times are OK. The issue comes in that people are losing their emotional strength. Whether it be because they are listening to the news too much or they are starting to feel sorry for themselves...or maybe it just takes a little more armor to get through the day.

For what ever reason it seems people are making choices that they wouldn't normally. Whether it be to default on a home loan they can afford to calling in sick, just because they need a day off...life right now is separating the strong from the weak. In reading a article about a couple who stopped paying their mortgage because they didn't have to enough money to enjoy their life the way they wanted. So now they have been living free in their home for a year while the bank is scrambling to figure it all out...that way they can go out to dinner to Outback, buy the high cost fuel for the jet boat and go out to the casino's...what the hey??? What happened to people's integrity? What happened to to being strong and weathering the hard times so you can really enjoy the good times???

You gotta be strong. You have to help pick the nation up by just be a person of integrity...you gotta be hard as nails.

Motherhood

Yesterday evening as Greg and I sat out on the deck in front of a warming fire the birds provided entertainments since the golfers had called it a day.

It is definitely Spring/Summer and love was in the air in more ways then one. Two Morning Doves vying for the attention of one hard to impress female Morning Dove was a reminder that you should not give it up so easy girls. The more she tried to find her own branch the more they both wanted her.

On the other hand the male Finch was down right strutting. Flashing his red head and tail and performing a dance that would have surely gotten him a spot on "Dancing with the Stars" he really showed off what he was all about!

But by far the most entertaining was the mother Black Bird and her 4 children. Although they could fly well there was no way they were leaving her side. Noisy and demanding they were like any toddler I have met. No matter how she tried to escape them and get a moments peace they would fly after her and all try to squeeze onto the same spot...squawking their need for a snack! She looked to me like she wanted to poke her eye out with a sharp twig...or pull her tail feathers out...where in the @#$% was their father!

The funnest thing was although they thought they could fly well and were squawking about their independence, they were not willing to give up the security of mom. One of our bird feeders is a platform where we pour the seed onto the surface. These babies were standing in the middle of the feed but were squawking until their mother picked up the seed and fed it too them....ah motherhood...not a moments rest.

I had to add this "Thought for the Day", sent by a friend and coworker...

Women are angels

And when someone breaks our wings...

We continue to fly...

on our broomsticks.

We're flexible that way.