Choices

I have been noticing at my place of employment that the population has grown larger over the last year...not in numbers but in physical size. I have also added a few...well maybe more than a few, pounds myself. I think the stress that is occurring nationally, state, county, city, job, and home is pushing us to comfort ourselves with that which brings us comfort. Food, drink, shopping and TV. Well food has always been my drug of choice. The difference now is that with the lifestyle changes I have made I cannot...literally...cannot eat junk food. The result is I am eating a little more of the good stuff. Fresh veggies, fruits, cheese and breads. Same result though.

It is all a matter of choices. Although many of my fellow citizens have packed on the pounds, there is one who has actually lost weight. When I asked her about it she said that she is following a program where you eat their pre-made foods. I am green with envy and I applaud her success but I need choices. I know myself. If I could even get myself to eat regular meals of processed food (no way) as soon as I had to started making my own choices again I would be in trouble.

I am a choice kind of personality. I need to feel in control of my life. I need to always know that the way my life exists is totally because of my own decisions. I guess that is why I am challenged right now, because so much in my work life seems to be chosen for me. I find ways to pull the power back. I volunteer for committees or projects that make my work life and that of my coworkers better. So it comes down to making the choices on what is good for my body.

I know it is screaming at me to make the right choices cause it doesn't want to suffer when my emotional brain really wants those chocolate malt balls. I guess that is why I went to the gym this morning.

Anticipation Or Regret

We can never know about the days to come
But we think about them anyway
And I wonder if I'm really with you now
Or just chasing after some finer day.

Anticipation, Anticipation
Is making me late
Is keeping me waiting

Anticipation for something wonderful or something horrible can make you miss the day. Every time I have been counting down the days to something exciting, when it arrives I am amazed at how fast the day seems to arrive. When it is something horrible it seems time ticks off at a slower pace and the impending doom grows bigger in my mind.

This goes back to my goal to live in the present. What a tough job it is to stay here...now. My mind drifts to what happened yesterday or what is going to happen. No matter how much time I spend anticipating an outcome or plotting a course, life always seems to add something I didn't anticipate.

So much I have missed in the moment because of anticipation or regret. So as I venture forth today to work on a project where there is much anticipation and regret I am going to focus on the people, for there are gifts if I only pay attention to what is right in front of me.

End Of The Ice Age

or it could be a melt down. My body, brain, and soul have given me a message. Your circuits are on overload...you are at def con four...you are going where no man has gone before....except crazy ones...you are sitting in your kitchen at 0100 in the morning typing a journal entry....

I think about balance and boundaries. I have none right now. I am giving up activities I love, so I can complete activities I don't love. I guess this is the way it is sometimes. Responsibilities and commitments have to occasionally take precedent. As I have told people before, it is time to put your big girl panties on...this is what separates the men and the boys...do not live in the "what ifs"....live in the possibilities...

Oye Vey, my life has sunk to living in platitudes (a flat, dull, or trite remark, esp. one uttered as if it were fresh or profound.)

What time is it? 1:12 in the morning....well starting at 1:15 I am going to return to a fine balance or at least the beginnings of one, I won't balance a ball on my nose, I won't walk a tight rope....but I will go back to bed, get some beauty sleep and wake up tomorrow to a brand new day.

Going Out To Eat

There is something invigorating about going out to eat...it's the people you meet, the people you watch and the atmosphere. It is hardly ever the food.

This time of year in the past I would be enticed to go out to eat. People watching is the most fun activity I know. Let me be on a delayed flight in the San Francisco airport and I am in hog heaven.

But since moving to our home a couple of years ago I have found it hard to venture out to enjoy the night life. As I have created a nice area to eat on the deck, planted flowers, hung feeders and birdhouses I am loath to leave. I have privacy on my deck, the best table in town, the ability to people watch (golfers at happy hour on on the course are hysterical) and the wildlife is extraordinary. Although it is nice not to have to plan a meal occasionally, at my age I am finding most things I eat out give me indigestion. I am a simple cook and it is nice to know exactly what is going into the preparation of my meal...rarely causing me the burps.

I thought it was the economy that was changing my pattern of night life but in fact it is having the cutest bartender, the best table, good entertainment and yummy food.

Flexing the Brain

After going to the gym this morning I felt so good, flexing the body releases pent up stuff. You stretch muscles that have retracted during the night. You get rid of bad juju. When I work out I always feel better afterwards, my bodily functions are more efficient and I can pee a gallon after a work out. I really feel like so many toxins are leaving my system.

Which leads me to flexing my brain. When I am stressed about life/job it seems my brain is holding this energy much like my muscles do in sleep. I am now on a path to figure out exactly how to flex my brain, so it can feel as good as my body does when I flex it....

I do know that flexing my body does make my brain feel better but what I also know about my body is that if I were to divide up the two...brain and body...my body is a single person...it feels bad when I put bad things in it, it feels good when I work out and it hurts when I fall. My brain is like having a whole dysfunctional family running it...they all have their opinions on what would feel good and sometimes they are talking at the same time. So how do I get them to shut up and let the flex happen? It may be to figure out how to treat each moment in the present rather than letting thoughts travel to the past or the future. I think it will be a challenge but I am going to start today.

Good And Tired Or Just Tired?

I know after running I feel good and tired.
I know after spinning I feel good and tired.
I know after hiking Misery Ridge I feel good and tired.
I know after riding my bike I feel good and tired.
I know every day I go to the gym I feel good and tired
I know after a day of working in the yard I feel good and tired....

but....

just give me one day in front of a computer trying to figure something out and I am just tired.

Sucks To Be You!

I actually said that to someone today. They had a hard decision to make and no matter what, someone was going to be P O'd. So I said, "It sucks to be you." They blinked and said, "It sucks to be me?" and I said yes...and they agreed...it sucks to be them. There is a reason we chose the paths we do. I never want to say to myself....It sucks to be me. So each decision I make is made with a set of rules.

1. will I be happy with my choice?
2. tomorrow when I wake up, will I be content?
3. will I have hurt someone on purpose?
4. will I be proud of the choices I made?
5. will I have stepped up to the plate?
6. will the greater good be the number one step?
7. will I be proud of what I am doing?

I do believe this person lives by these tenants...but is still sucks to be them.

Sometimes life gives you no choices and you must just put one foot in front of the other, so that tomorrow it won't suck to be you.

Dream

Last night I had the most vivid dream. I bought a most unusual bird. It was beautiful in its coloring and the shape was unusual...a cross between a run of the mill bird and a peacock. About the size of a dove. It's long tail feathers in multiple soft color was beautiful. It was interesting to watch it fly but because of it's beautiful feathers it could not stay airborne very long before it needed to land and rest.

At first I was very frustrated because no matter what kind of cage I bought the bird knew how to escape. Somehow it would be able to fit between the bars. I was worried about losing it. So I bought a couple of different cages looking for the one that would keep it safe and I could come home and know it was still there....not have flown the coop.

I found there wasn't one that could contain this bird. As it sat on my hand and it beauty washed over me it flew away and my heart contracted. Then I held my hand raised and flat and it flew back. I was filled with joy because I then knew that this bird could live without a cage and that it would always come back to me.

You figure it out....

Wherever You Go...There You Are

Sometimes I think that I keep myself on this hamster wheel with a goal of deluding myself into thinking I am sooo busy, soooo important, sooooo exciting. But then a moment of silence shows up and lets me see that no matter where I am going, how fast I am moving, or how exciting I think I am....I am still in the spot I was a month ago.

I think the question to be answered is who am I, where am I and really.....am I exciting only in my own mind???? hummmm You'd think that in my fifties I would have found the answer.

That is what makes life profound. It is fluid. Life is exciting....only exciting if you take the time to get off the hamster wheel and look through the glass wall and figure out a way to get out of that box. hummmm

Tick Tock

It happened and I slept through it. The clock moved across that invisible line where my youngest child turned 21 years old. I know intellectually the moment he became 21 is no different than the moment before, when he was 20. But, emotionally I know that I am the mother of a 21 year old. There are no more "children" running around, although there haven't been children running around for a while...

Yesterday when we all went shopping for good cheese I came up to the check out and I am sure I was the only one who read the sign that said "If you were born after this date you can't purchase alcohol." I doubt Greg or Connor gave it a glance. It is stupid when you think about it...children...are able to vote and die in foreign countries for us when they turn 18, they just can't purchase a beer.

So many steps in a mother's life time, so many moments that are significant (in some ways only to you)...birth, first solid food, first smile, first word, first step, first moment away from you, first boo boo, first time you use the potty, day you gave up diapers, first sleep over, first time you saw Santa Clause, when you lost your first tooth, first time you took off on a bike, first day at school, second day at school, third day at schoo...ect...first day at middle school, off the summer camp, first job, first competition of any kind, first day of high school, DRIVERS LICENSE, first date, second date, third date....ect...graduation from high school, off to college, first time a girlfriend was brought home, first time you actually said you loved someone, first time you gave your heart for someone to hold....so many moments that a mother notices and never forgets....now...

I officially have adult children...no longer can I pretend and I realized when I woke up that no longer do I want to pretend. I love my adult children.

PS. Besides there is Enzo

Cared Out

I read an interesting article which talked about being "cared out" or suffering from "compassion fatigue." The dilemma was first studied in the 1950's with the nursing profession and what they have discovered was that this malady manifests itself in real physical and emotional symptoms. You suffer from fatigue, stress, anxiety and you are less hopeful. It has been identified in lawyers, caregivers, physicians, psychologist and those who work in natural disaster relief.

There are many who are just recently experiencing this problem with the turn in the economy. So what do you do to help with this malady? It was reported that Four-legged Fatigue Fighters are the best! Actually any pet. They provide humor, unconditional love and when you are tired of taking care of everyone else there is someone in your life who is never tired of taking care of you....

Hence, Enzo Ferrari....you'll see and hear more about him in future blogs....but what I can tell you is, he is a beautiful chocolate brown, had gorgeous eyes and nice big feet.

Is It The Big Dipper or The Tilt A Whirl

With some relationships you feel like you are on a carnival ride. The kind that make you throw up. You enter it with anticipation and excitement...cause they are exciting...but once on you realize that there is a price to pay for making the choice to be connected. As you go up and down and all around you realize that this doesn't feel good. But, next time the carnival is in town you pay your ticket and get right back on.

Chatty Cathy

I was talking with Greg about someone who tells the same story over and over and over and over again. He said...kinda like that doll when we were children where you pulled a cord in her back and she repeated a series of 6 statements over and over and over again.

I know someone like that. It is exhausting emotionally to hear the same stories over and over again. I know we all get together and will sometimes repeat a favorite family story or sometimes you forget who you told what story and you repeat yourself. But...geesh...to hear the same story 4 times in the same day. It is not because of senility it is because they like to hear their own voice.

I feel bad that there is something missing in their life...but I want to stick a sharp pencil in my eye to put myself out of my misery...well maybe not a sharp pencil but at the very least a nice gin and tonic direct to the brain.

Tunnel Vision and Tunnel of Love

I believe that everyone has someone in their life that they love...who they must love with tunnel vision. If you were to add the pros and cons of loving this person there may be more cons but in reality the few pros, carry more weight...so you love them with tunnel vision.

It is the only way.

The Chaos Theory

What exactly is chaos? The name "chaos theory" comes from the fact that the systems that the theory describes are apparently disordered, but chaos theory is really about finding the underlying order in apparently random data.

When was chaos first discovered? The first true experimenter in chaos was a meteorologist, named Edward Lorenz. In 1960, he was working on the problem of weather prediction. He had a computer set up, with a set of twelve equations to model the weather. It didn't predict the weather itself. However this computer program did theoretically predict what the weather might be.

I am related to someone who is the eye of the storm. Whether it be karma or aura...or what ever it is...this person has chaos around them. Even when I have examined the facts leading up to the chaos I can find no definitive reason for the occurrence. What I do know is, that there is a pattern. No matter what...events will never come off as planned. Seemingly unpredictable events will happen and although you may not know what the chaos will be...you know is it coming. I wonder if the energy that is emitted by this person is so electric that chaos is a natural occurrence.

Whatever the reason, what I do know is I am going to be very tired this month.